quick picture post

2015-06-30 11.54.52That’s the black and white vest that plagued me for so long. It’s done and I wore it to work this morning. I was teaching a brand new class, my third of the summer, and wanted a little something to make me feel pretty. You can’t really see it but I also made the necklace and earrings I have on. Hopefully I’ll be back later with a slightly longer post. <3

life worth living weekly update – June 29th

reach for the starsIf you’re just joining me for the first time, I’ve got a list of 10 Major Goals I want to accomplish before I turn 40 in 2016. That’s what I refer to as my Life Worth Living; it’s a DBT thing. If you don’t want to stay stuck where you’ve been in life, you have to figure out where you want to go and what it would take to truly make your life worth living.

Every week I do a Creative, Stress Management, Health, and Financial goal that tie back to my Building a Life Worth Living project. I’ve also added a Simplifying goal that ties into my plan to declutter my life this year. Bit by bit I’m reaching for the stars.

Update from last week:

The nicest thing I can say about last week is that it’s over. (I think I said that last week, too.)

Creative:  I need to start, and keep, cranking away at my 28 Day Challenge projects. I FINALLY finished the black and white vest and I did make good progress on the knit shrug.

Stress Management:  Continue walking on the treadmill as often as possible, at least 5 sessions of 25 minutes minimum. Nope. Because of the severe issues with my legs I only managed one time and only for 10 minutes.

Health: Back to working on a healthier diet. Tomorrow morning I’m trying the soaked chia seed breakfast again with some tweaks. I got the chia breakfast thing figured out and it’s amazing. My diet did some up and down things last week but I managed to lose one pound. So yay.

Financial:  I need to look at the budget again, closer, and see where I can make changes. I want to get things paid off. This didn’t happen because of all the medical shit with Josh. I simply didn’t have the energy or inclination.

Simplify:  I actually went through my printed patterns last night and got rid of the ones I knew I wouldn’t ever actually make. I think going through the craft supplies is probably my next stop. I don’t have too much excess of anything, except maybe yarn, but if nothing else it’ll refresh my memory of what I’ve got. I didn’t get rid of anything but I was able to straighten up the yarn storage and figure out what all I’ve got.



The challenge is officially over and I officially did not do well. I’m going to keep plugging away at finishing the other two projects. I’m thinking the next time I do this sort of challenge that it’ll be just a little easier, like maybe not shopping for anything but groceries or something.

flower dividerGoals for this week:

Creative:  I want to finish the knit shrug.

Stress Management:  I really REALLY need to get back on the treadmill.

Health: Skin again. For some reason my hands are just trashed.

Financial:  Pay day is tomorrow, time to get serious.

Simplify:  ??? Not sure about this one this week.


so much to tell you

I’m not really even sure where to begin, which isn’t like me. So let’s see…

I did walk on Friday, only 10 minutes, but still. And my total for the week in terms of weight loss was one pound. I’ll take it.

Josh had the appointment with the cardiologist Friday afternoon. He almost certainly has blockages in his heart and his legs. On Monday he goes in for a scan of his legs and then on Wednesday they’ll do an angiogram. Not sure what they’ll find or when he’ll come home. I honestly don’t think it matters. He isn’t taking any of this seriously and I’ve decided I really don’t care. If he doesn’t love me enough to take care of himself then there’s no point in worrying about any of this.

Mom and I went shopping today, as per our usual Saturday morning fun. We did the big farmer’s market downtown, Kohl’s, Barnes & Noble, and Hallmark. She had some wicked good coupons at Kohl’s and gave them to me so I ended up with a swimming outfit for $1.06. It’s really workout shorts and a tank top that should be alright in the water and will cover the truly unsightly bits on my legs.

This afternoon I got the sewing done on the black and white vest. WOOT! I still need to trim the threads and clean up a few rough edges, but it’s essentially done. I am so fucking excited to see the ass end of that project. The knit shrug is coming along nicely as well, I’m thinking maybe tonight I’ll get to spend a little time with it. Although, maybe not, because…

MENTALTOASTER is a thing! My friend got the URL registered, WordPress is installed, and now we’re working on some final details and what it should look like. My intention is for it to be a positive place where anyone wanting to get or give support on nutritional/health type issues can go, particularly if that person also has mental health issues. I will definitely let y’all know when everything is live and ready to roll.

a proposal of sorts

I’ve been trying to figure out how we handle this whole need for a support group online stuff. I have a very dear friend who has graciously offered to slice out a little space on her server, setup a wordpress theme on that space, and then act as our hostess. She says she can take care of posting info that folks pass along such as updates on progress, recipes, whatever. It would actually be good for her, keep her out of trouble so to speak. Also, the URL mentaltoaster.com is available and for some reason that strikes me as both hilarious and appropriate.

So, what do y’all think?

the (viscous and entirely rotten) cycle of mental health from the viewpoint of someone with bipolar and borderline

mental healthWow, doesn’t life just suck some turds sometimes? Honestly, things were going great in my little world and then BAM! All of a sudden I’ve quit smoking, the diet is really changing, and the old man may or may not have a serious heart condition. I feel little like I’ve been handled in a way which is sexually inappropriate and A) not offered adequate lubrication, and B) not been kissed afterwards.


And because my stress levels have rocketed through the ever-loving roof, my skin condition is flaring up. And my neck/shoulder muscles are tight again. And this afternoon my irritable bowels decided to be irritable.

Come on man, now this shit REALLY SUCKS.

But it’s like that for those of us living with a mental health condition. What effects our physical health will end up effecting our mental health, and the other way ’round. It’s like a two-fer that NO ONE WANTS. Or a buy one, get one sale on second-hand toothbrushes. Or… (insert your own icky metaphor here, and share in the comments please)

For me it’s all too easy to let the cycle get entirely out of control. Take for example this fine shitstain of a week. I haven’t walked yet at all. Not once. And the less I walk the harder it is to sleep. The harder it is to sleep, the harder it is to get up early enough to walk. You feel me, right? Dig it.

So the cycle has to stop, and I have to be the one to do it. Tomorrow morning, no matter how much I don’t want to or I hurt or I’m tired, I will be getting my fat little ass on that treadmill. (after I weigh myself) If I don’t, then the skin condition bullshit and the stress and the mental stuff, it all wins. And I am not spending my time on this little blue ball letting something other than me determine what wins.


apparently I am truly not alone

Yesterday’s post garnered quite a bit of attention. Evidently I’m really not the only one who’s struggling with the losing weight/how to eat healthier thing. (no shit Sherlock!) So I’m thinking we start our own online support system.

My ultimate goal is to establish healthier eating habits and daily routines that will result in slow and steady weight loss and lead to overall better health. To that end I’ll be continuing to walk on the treadmill, use my Fitbit to track activity, and I’m aiming for pool time soon. On the diet front my goal is to lower my carb intake pretty drastically but not cut them out completely. I love my fruit and veg too much to give it all up completely.

I will happily share whatever tips and tricks I stumble across along the way, along with interesting recipes.

Should we name this? Do we need a special tag? Should we post progress updates or is that not a good idea?

I have no clue about this stuff so I need your input.

wherein Mama becomes the Blue Light Special at your local K-Mart

Alright, not much time for a post tonight but I need to get something out because some of this is really just too interesting not to share.

The nice dermatologist PA dude said a low carb diet is the way to go with this shit. If the treatment he did today works as intended I shouldn’t need to have this done again for at least 3 months, and that’s good because he used a laser instead of just a light and it really rather fucking hurts. He also said that once the openings heal he wants me to start water aerobics again because, get this, chlorine pools are like taking a bleach bath and that’s totally awesome for this particular kind of bacterial nuisance.

Anyway, it does hurt a little. It’s kind of like if you crossed getting a tattoo with getting burned by bacon grease, at the same time, and on your inner thighs. Not something I want to do again any time soon.

So tonight we did Mama’s Last Supper. That’s where I sent Josh to Culver’s for a Reuben sandwich, fries, and sweet tea made with real sugar. I’m contemplating having dessert. Because tomorrow we are back on the low carb / mushy seed breakfast bandwagon.

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