I’ve decided it’s time for more changes, like a big one. I’m no longer anyone’s mama but Evie and if she keeps beating me in the face with her tail I won’t even be her mama much longer. Anyway, it’s time for a new “me” and a new home where I can write. So I’m moving. Well, I’ve moved. The new place is setup and kind of already there, there’s just not much there. And I’m self-hosting now which is really pretty cool for me. Yay!
Anyway, I’d rather not just broadcast the new address for the whole fucking world, I’m sure you get that. But if you’d like to come with, just leave me a comment and I’ll get you the address personally.
I want to thank all of you for being with me, sticking with me, smacking me every now and then. Y’all are amazing.
…freeze those fuckers and throw them at people you don’t like. Because seriously, who likes lemonade? But I digress, today is Thursday and on Thursdays we talk about mental health.
I’m going to discuss suicide in this post. If that will bother you, stop reading now.
In February of 2010 I had a terrible breakup with a guy. That was pretty typical for me. I still hadn’t completed DBT and I wasn’t really taking care of myself. True to form I fell hard and scared him off. When he broke up with me I emptied the contents of the medicine cabinet into my stomach. That was my 4th serious attempt within two years. By the time I was found I was completely unconscious. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital, they pumped my stomach, and I spent time in the ICU.
Life was not good at that point, to say the very least.
I worked hard to get my life back together. I continued going to my therapy sessions, 3 times a week at the start, my mom locked my meds up and I only got one week worth at a time, and I learned how to think all over again. My psychiatrist wasn’t sure if I’d finally managed to cause myself permanent brain damage. (I hadn’t.)
Slowly but surely things came back together. I finished my Master’s degree and started doing better at work. My relationships improved. I learned how to not give up on myself anymore.
Back to the present…
A month or so ago my boss told me that our prescription insurance will do mail order three month med refills on generics for NOTHING. I take three prescriptions, all psych meds, and all generic. But I was concerned that my doc wouldn’t go for it because of my history.
The box came yesterday.
Josh has known about this blog for a very long time but, I had thought, didn’t read it unless I asked him to. Apparently since I kicked him out he’s been reading. Last night I got a super nasty little text from him about some things I said in last night’s post. (immediately after one where he sent me a text kiss) Anyway, because of that there will be no more talk of him. No sense adding fuel to the fire.
Day three of getting up and on the treadmill and I’m drinking a healthy little smoothie for breakfast. Here’s my standard recipe:
- 1 C frozen fruit
- 1 single serving container of yogurt, I tend to go for either Greek or low carb in a flavor that goes well with the fruit
- 1 C lowfat milk, you could use a non-dairy milk if you prefer
Toss all of that in a blender and kill it. This makes the perfect size serving for me and in this terrible heat we’re having right now it’s a lovely light way to start the day.
What’s your favorite quick healthy breakfast?
I did NOT get selected for a jury, thank DOG. The case involved alleged sexual assault of a young girl by her father. As soon as I heard that I had a very hard time not jumping up and ripping that guy to pieces with my bare hands. Apparently his lawyer sensed my hostility and everyone agreed that I was not an appropriate juror for that particular case.
But while I was at the court house I was able to file the papers for the divorce, at least most of them, and give the nice clerk my $157. I had neglected to have Josh sign something that said he’d been given copies of everything so I had to get him to come over this afternoon when he got done at work.
He’s still wearing his wedding ring.
In all other respects he’s still being the same shitstain I kicked out on July 2nd. So much so in fact that not even the paper towel sweatband he was wearing (because he hasn’t taken all of his shit with him which would include several way more appropriate, and comfortable, garments) made me feel bad for him. He looks bad. Really bad.
I, however, look fabulous according to all of my pals at work. I should, right? I mean, I’ve lost 250lbs since the last time they saw me. They all commented on how they’ve never seen me look this light and happy before, and the one gal has known me more than 14 years. So that was good. And I got to spend a little time redecorating a bit and rearranging some stuff.
Perhaps now life will start to settle. I’ll put the form in the mail tomorrow morning and once the court receives it my 60 day countdown clock starts. After the 60 days are up I call the clerk and find out when my court date is. On that day I’ll go back to the courthouse at my designated time with the rest of my paperwork, be sworn in, sit on the stand, answer the judge’s questions (which are just a rehash of what’s on the paperwork), and then it’ll be done. So hopefully sometime towards the end of September this will all be behind me.
On a much lighter note, I’ve been working on the shrug, I walked yesterday and today, and I’m in much better shape with the class I have scheduled for next Wednesday than I thought I’d be. Yay.
If you’re just joining me for the first time, I’ve got a list of 10 Major Goals I want to accomplish before I turn 40 in 2016. That’s what I refer to as my Life Worth Living; it’s a DBT thing. If you don’t want to stay stuck where you’ve been in life, you have to figure out where you want to go and what it would take to truly make your life worth living.
Every week I do a Creative, Stress Management, Health, and Financial goal that tie back to my Building a Life Worth Living project. I’ve also added a Simplifying goal that ties into my plan to declutter my life this year. Bit by bit I’m reaching for the stars.
Update from last week:
Another strange, but entirely awesome, week. WOOT!
Creative: I want to finish the knit shrug. Trying this one again. Not yet, but I have joined the second sleeve to be worked in the round so the end is in sight.
Stress Management: I really want to start water aerobics again so I’m going to focus on finding a place. I’m also on vacation this week so I’m going to do my very best to relax. Got in plenty of relaxing, still haven’t for sure found a place to do the water aerobics.
Health: I got some new vitamins, new shampoo/conditioner, and I’m going to try to find a different moisturizer. I need to just get back into taking care of my physical health. Picked up even more vitamins and I’ve been using the new moisturizer every day. I like it even better than the first one.
Financial: I need to make sure that I can cover what’s left for this month including paying for the divorce paperwork. I’ll be selling the Honda so that’ll help. When I sold the Honda I paid off a small loan that I had with Mom, my line of credit at the bank (and then closed it), and my credit card (kept that open for emergencies). I also spent some time looking at what my finances should be now that it’s just me and things will be soooo much more comfortable.
Simplify: I don’t think I really even need this anymore. YAY! Yay!
Turns out I do have to report for jury duty, at least tomorrow morning. I’m not pleased by this, but there isn’t much I can do. It does mean that I’m going to try to get some of my work done at home, assuming I can get back into my account. I put in a request to have my name changed back to what it had been before I left on Thursday and they actually did it.
Creative: I want to finish the knit shrug, seriously. It shouldn’t take more than a few more days, tops.
Stress Management: I’m aiming to get back on the treadmill at least 5 times for a minimum of 15 minutes each time.
Health: I really need to get back on the healthy eating bandwagon. There’s been a bit too much crap in my diet lately.
Financial: Even though my situation is more comfortable now, I have got to quit buying shit like I’m loaded.
What a wonderful week it’s been! (no, oddly enough, that is NOT sarcasm)
Here’s a quick break down of what all has gone on, just in case you’ve been in a cave:
- got all of Josh’s stuff (well, at least 95%) moved out to the garage; he came and got a little more yesterday
- the divorce papers got ordered and delivered, I just need to take some stuff to a notary and sign them and then find time to get down to the court house to file
- the title for the Honda came and it will be sold, one way or another, TODAY
- me, who does not wear dresses as a rule, purchased 2 new dresses this week
- Mom and I saw “Inside Out” yesterday; lovely flick but definitely not a kid movie in my mind
- Mom helped me do a quick detail job on the Jeep and it looks tons better
- we went to 2 bead stores and a yarn shop
- I actually have strawberries on my plants in the garden and I’ve eaten 2 of them!!!
- we’re going to a bridal shower for my cousin today, should be fun
- I made myself new fridge magnets
That’s about it I guess. I’ve had a good time being off work but I’m pretty well ready to go back. I just hope I’m able to. I have to call tomorrow night to see if my group has been selected to actually report for jury duty Monday morning. I know it’s really not a big deal but I have a ton of stuff to do at work and I’d really like to just get back to it.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love to shop? It really doesn’t fit with the whole minimalist thing I’m trying to embrace, I realize that. But I love a good deal. And shiny things.
Part of this whole transition to singleness has involved making over bits of my living space. I felt that I had to really make this area MINE in order to live happily down here. A lot of what I did was remove things, put my things that had been tucked away in a more prominent place, move things around – you get the idea. But I’ve done some shopping, too. And I’ve realized something…
it is entirely different shopping for myself now as an independent single woman than it was shopping for myself as his wife.
Seems a little odd, but it’s true. And I don’t know that I can explain it. So I won’t even try.
Anyway, Mom and I took Grandma shopping yesterday to get a dress for my cousin’s wedding and I scored a great dress.
Fortunately my sleep situation seems to be truly sorted out. I slept nearly 8 hours last night which is phenomenal. I ate like shit yesterday but I’m hoping since it was a one time kind of thing that it won’t cause any problems. And sadly my right leg has two new lesions that are draining and irritating me. I think part of that issue is different activities lately and me not being properly attired for them.
I’m going to see T-bone this morning. I had set this appointment up when I was in there last time, mostly just thinking since I’d be on vacation it would be a good idea. I’m thinking he’ll be quiet pleasantly surprised to hear about what’s been happening.
bipolar disorder, building a life worth living, creating myself, divorce, life, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, projects, random shit that falls out of my brain, sleep, taking my life back, you need 5 pillows
That’s the best shot I could find of the north end of the room as it looked while Josh was here. It was cluttered, which you can’t too much see, and it was kind of one dimensional. I have since turned that into…
this. And this is much more me. It’s very organized and more streamlined. There are flowers everywhere but they don’t make it feel too busy. The colors are a little softer and it’s all very warm and cozy. I love being in this space now. And Evie Cat seems to love it, too.
Things are still going really well. I’ve lost another 1.5lbs since Friday and that really excites me. I slept good again, about the same as the night before, so I think that’s really good. And Mom and I are getting some things done we had wanted to. Maybe not the vacation I had thought I would have but it’s certainly not turning out bad at all.
I’m not going to lie and say that this process I’m going through has been entirely easy. There’s been one hell of a lot of hard work getting the traces of him out of here so that I could start building my nest. It’s been a little difficult for me to get used to being able to make my own decisions again. But I haven’t had a single doubt that I did, and am doing, the right thing.
I chose the day I did because I knew that he would have a long weekend to try to start finding a place to stay, get some things, arrange transportation. That same span of time allowed me and Mom to do the overhaul in my living space. And now I have my week off work to get my sleep schedule back under control.
The first night I have no clue how I slept, other than like shit. Since then I’ve been having my Fitbit track my sleep. The second and third nights weren’t great either, and I was starting to get worried. Too many nights with no sleep can spell utter disaster for someone with Bipolar. Lack of sleep isn’t always a symptom of mania, it can also be a trigger. And I fucking HATE being manic.
But, praise the Almighty Ceiling Cat, I slept for 7 hours and 20 minutes last night.
So I think I’m going to be really alright. I’m finishing one of the last little projects I wanted to get done this morning. Yesterday Mom and I took my nieces to a natural history museum and hung out with some dinosaur bones, which they thought was super cool. And today we’re doing crafts. So yeah, I’m doing better. Loads better. Thanks for all the support kids, y’all rock.