how now brown cow

Tags

bipolar disorder, crochet, knitting, life, love, mental illness

I’ve been noticing a trend.  Even if I go to sleep in a decent mood, I seem to wake up bitchy.  I’m not liking this one bit.

Yesterday was kind of strained with Josh.  He was pretty quiet most of the day and I was, too.  By the time I got home I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.  But no, he wanted to snuggle and talk.  We did and it was ok, but it didn’t lift my spirits like it usually does.  We had a bit of a little fight, got things worked out, and the rest of the evening was uneventful.  I passed out early and slept alright.

This morning I woke up around the same time he did and went the the bathroom.  When I got out he was waiting to give me a kiss.  Then he left for work.  He sent his usual morning text when he got to work and then nothing for two hours.  When he finally sent me something else it was just a text kiss.  I really hate those kisses.

So now I’m stuck.  I’m crabby, but for no real good reason.  It’s not like he’s done anything to make me mad.  It’s not like he’s really done anything at all.  And this seems to happen just about every day.  What the fuck?

He usually calls me on his breaks, and should be calling in about 45 minutes.  I’m debating answering the phone.  I don’t really have anything to say and I’m afraid if I do talk to him I’ll be nasty.  I just don’t know.

What I don’t get is why this always happens.  I know I don’t jump out of bed thrilled at the prospect of spending 9 hours at work, but really, I’ve been working full time my entire adult life – getting up to go to work is no surprise at this point.  And it’s really not like he’s done something wrong.  I don’t know what the fuck the deal is but it’s getting old, fast.

Maybe I will talk to him and try to pretend that nothing’s wrong.  Sometimes I can make that work.  The interesting this is if I pretend good enough for long enough, I really do start to feel better.  I just hate pretending because it feels so much like lying.

In other news…  The shrug is progressing nicely.  I finished the first half at lunch yesterday and then picked up the stitches for the second half this morning before I got ready for work.  I brought it with me again today so hopefully during lunch I’ll be able to make more progress.  I’m really quite pleased with how it’s coming out so far.  The sleeves are perhaps a tad baggy, but I’d rather too baggy than too tight.  It looks like it should be really comfortable to wear.

I spent a little time yesterday trying to figure out what I should cast on for next.  I did start the crocheted floral shawl, but it’s 81 flower motifs that you work separate and then join together with a contrasting yarn.  This does not sound like a whole hell of a lot of fun.  So, I’ve got an idea for a different kind of knit shrug using a really pretty light pink/lavender sock yarn.  This one will be basically a lace rectangle tacked together at the corners.  I think I have enough yarn to pull this off, I think.  I just need to decide for sure on the lace pattern and see how it works up.

I found out the other day that I’ve got a whole month worth of vacation days saved up.  I’m going to try to take a week sometime this spring.  I’d like to take spring break, but we’ve got a big upgrade scheduled for then so I don’t know if my boss will want me here or what.  I’m really kind of excited at the prospect of it.  Just think of how much crafting I could get done with an entire 40 hours at my disposal.

mona lisa smile

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, love, mental illness, patterns

When I was first diagnosed, back when I was 29, the doc I was seeing put me on high doses of Seroquel to slow my racing mind.  It worked, too well.  I lost all ambition to do anything and I completely lost my facial affect.  I couldn’t smile or make any kind of facial expressions unless I was in pain.  It was terrible.  After about 2 years I figured this was a permanent thing and that it wouldn’t ever get better.  Then I switched docs and she switched my meds.  My smile kind of returned.

I don’t take Seroquel regularly anymore and I’m very thankful for that.  It’s great when I’m manic and need to slow down, but anymore just a tiny dose knocks me flat on my ass for a few days.  Currently I’m taking only 2 meds to control the bipolar – Lithium and Geodon.  Most of the time this works really well.  But I still don’t smile right.

The really frustrating part is that to me, it feels like I am smiling.  And the harder I try the worse it looks.  I’ve got the Mona Lisa smile thing down pretty good, but a big full face smile – out of the question.  I hate having my picture taken because of this.  My face just never looks right to me.  It’s like when I try to smile I look like I’m in pain.

Josh has a great smile.  His whole face lights up and it’s just awesome.  I wish I could do that.  He’s told me that he thinks I’m prettiest when I smile.  I just don’t feel like I can ever do it justice.

The weekend was an interesting adventure.  I tried probably a dozen times on Saturday to get a project – any project – to turn out right.  It seemed like everything I touched turned to shit within just a few minutes.  The yarn wasn’t heavy enough, the colors changed too close together so the stitch pattern didn’t show, there wasn’t going to be enough yarn…  On and on and on.  Nothing turned out right.  I finally gave up and went to bed early.  Josh entertained the kid and I just kept stewing over what to do.  I just knew that I needed to have something turn out proper or I was going to lose it.

Sunday morning I got up and tried one last thing.  I had this huge beautiful skein of worsted weight wool in shades of pinks and purples.  The color changes every few stitches so I knew it wasn’t suited to anything fancy.  I also only have the one skein and I wanted something to make the most of every inch of it.  So I split it into two equal balls and started a knit shrug, worked from the middle out.  Finally, something was working.  I got almost done with the first half yesterday in between cooking and taking care of everyone.  I actually brought it to work with me today so I can keep working on it at lunch.  My goal is to have it finished so I can wear it to work on Friday.

Here’s the recipe so far…

One Skein Shrug

560 yards of worsted weight yarn

16″ size 13 circular needle

stitch marker

tape measure

yarn needle

co 60 stitches and begin working stockinette stitch flat

I worked even like this for 10″ (my back measures about 19″ across and I wanted to allow a little give)

join and begin working in the round, place marker to indicate start of round

work even until almost out of yarn

to bind off – k next 2 sts together, place new st back on left needle, repeat around – this should give a stretchy bind off edge

work other half

pick up 60 sts along co edge and continue as above

 

One of these days I’m going to try to get some pics of some of this stuff up.  I know it’s frustrating to see a pattern without a picture to know if you’re getting close.

forgot to add…

Tags

recipes

I was going to share my Beef Stroganoff recipe with you!  Josh says it’s the best and since I’m making it for dinner tomorrow night I thought I’d share.

Beef Stroganoff

serves 4- 6

2 pkgs Hormel Beef Tips & Gravy

2 12 oz pkgs Reames Frozen Egg Noodles

1 16 oz container sour cream

2 cans cream of mushroom soup

1 can beef broth

Worcestershire sauce

salt & pepper to taste

Bring a large stock pot of water to a boil and add the noodles; boil 25 minutes.  While noodles are cooking mix all other ingredients in a large sauce pan and heat through.  Drain noodles.  Combine noodles and sauce and allow to sit for at least 10 minutes.

goals? maybe?

Tags

bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, crochet, goals, knitting, life, love, mental illness, money, sleep

I’m rather known for being a list maker.  It goes along with the structure and organization I crave constantly.  I’ve been a little busy this year (short as it’s been so far) so I haven’t made myself a list of goals for the year yet.  But it’s quiet today, I don’t really feel like I have overly much to bitch about, so why not give it a whack.

1. Get my finances back in order.  I’ve been on a slow but steady downward spiral with money for well over a year now.  I rob from next month’s check to pay this month’s bills.  And some bills I just flat out haven’t been paying.  I need to get my ass out of this funk and get my money back in line.  I know what needs to be done, I’m just too fucking lazy to do it.
2. Rip out all of the half started projects I have laying about and reclaim the yarn for something else.  I looked the other day and I’ve got enough yarn to keep myself entertained for a good long while if I just find the right patterns.  I’ve been working on this.  Because of the money issues (see #1) I really can’t afford to buy any more yarn, so I need to find good ways to use what I have on hand.
3. Perform a “stuff” purge.  The last time I moved I didn’t have time to really weed through my junk and decide what should be kept and what should be pitched in the trashcan so I kept it all.  I’ve been doing this a little at a time over the last several months, but I think a full-fledged plan of attack needs to be mounted.  I have far more stuff than any one person really needs.
4. Read a book.  This sounds like such a no brainer, but I couldn’t tell you the last time I just sat down and read for the fun of it.  I’ve got scads of books at home just waiting for me to pick them up.
5. Get better at documenting my knitting/crocheting projects.  I joined Ravelry for a reason, now I need to make sure I use it.
6. Organize my photos.  I’ve got odds and ends scattered on my computer in a couple different places.  It would be really nice to get them all in one place and maybe labeled?  Yeah, why not.
7. Take more pictures with the camera, not just my phone.  I’m kind of terrible about this.  I always have my phone with me, never my camera.  So maybe for the things I want to take pictures of at home I should get better at using the real camera.  That would definitely help me with #5.

I think we’ll stop there, 7 sounds like plenty enough to keep me busy.

Things with Josh seem to be going alright.  Since I had the episode the other day I seem to have mellowed some, which always helps.  I wouldn’t say it’s all rainbows and roses again, but we’re talking and getting along and in general seem to be treating each other as we should be.

I think part of what’s been helping is my sleep is getting a little better.  I wouldn’t say it’s as good as it should be, but it’s an improvement over the last several weeks.  Sleep always helps.

The mood has been decent.  I don’t really count getting all pissed about the deal with my bestie yesterday as a problem.  More it seemed like righteous indignation.  Still pisses me off.  But anyway, I’m ok.

Here’s hoping we all have a nice quiet weekend filled with good fun and good food.

fuck you and your narrow little mind

Tags

discrimination, mental illness

Just found out that my best friend got kicked out of her dance studio.  Why, you ask?  For BEING MENTALLY ILL.

She’s got schizoaffective disorder and had a rough time with voices this weekend.  Rough enough she had to go to the hospital for an evaluation.  She posted about it on Facebook.  The owner of the dance studio she goes to saw it and told her she’s not welcome to come around anymore because she’s obviously too stressed out.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

This is discrimination at it’s finest.  You’re different than me so you’re obviously inferior and I don’t want to associate with anyone inferior.

BULLSHIT!!!

Dance was a wonderful thing for her.  It got her out of the house on a regular basis, she made some new friends, it gave her something to look forward to.  She really blossomed during the time since she started doing it.  And now it’s being taken away.

I honestly don’t remember the last time I was this pissed off at someone who isn’t Josh.

This just kills me inside.  How could someone do this to someone I love?  Fuck, how could someone do this to ANYONE?

nope

Tags

borderline personality disorder, kids, life, love, mental illness

About the only thing that saved me yesterday was teaching.  I had to give a class at 2pm so by the time the day was over I was in a decidedly better mood.  I did go home and have a discussion with Josh about what had happened and what I thought we both should have done differently, but I was actually fairly pleasant about it.

I hate losing control like that.  I’m actually kind of a control freak, so losing control of myself just makes me even madder.  And the madder I get, the more out of control I get.  It’s a vicious cycle that’s very hard to break.

So anyway, now we’re dealing with today.  By the time it was all said and done yesterday we managed to get everything sorted out and when I went to bed everything was fine.  This morning, not so much.  He always sends me a text to let me know that he’s made it to work.  I reply and then nothing.  Nothing for more than 3 hours.  He finally called on his break and I was kind of cold to him.  I cut our conversation short and went to a meeting.  When I got back there was a text waiting from him, just telling me he loves me.  I replied and then he came back with “I’m home.”  Apparently they didn’t have enough work today so they sent everyone home way early.

I hate it when he gets sent home like this.  Mainly because it means we’re out that much pay, but also because it almost always means we’re going to fight.  I’m stuck at work and can’t leave so I’m jealous.  And it always seems like the days he gets sent home are the ones I absolutely have to be at work.

Anyway, I called him and we talked for a few minutes and I asked him if he wanted to come have lunch with me.  He’s supposed to be on his way shortly.  Sometimes the lunch thing buys a good afternoon, but not always.

The mood is still kind of iffy.  It’s hard coming down off one of those episodes.  They’re very draining, both physically and mentally.  It usually takes me a few days to bounce back.  I hope I do it quick this time because if I’m still tense come Saturday it’s going to be a very interesting weekend.  Tension always seems to be worse when the kid is around.  And since this is the second weekend in a row we’ve had her, it’s bound to be worse.

I’m really hoping I can find something cheap to do at home to entertain her with.  I found out this morning that we can’t go to Josh’s dad’s house because they had something come up.  So much for my great plans.  Maybe with all of the stuff I have laying around the house we can find something to make.  I’ve got plenty of projects I can do for myself, just pretty sure she’s not interested in any of them.  I’ve tried teaching her how to crochet and knit but she doesn’t seem to want any part of that.  Seriously, how can you be a girl and not like yarn?

episode

Tags

borderline personality disorder, life, love, mental illness

It’s been a really long time since I had a bad borderline episode.  Today is apparently the day.

Josh seemed to think it was funny that I was sick.  This pissed me off.  I yelled at him when he called this morning and we had a delightful little fight.  We’re still fighting.  Except now he’s not talking to me.

I’ve texted him and told him I’m having an episode.  I asked him to say something to me.  His reply was that he can’t talk.  Three words – that’s all I asked for.  Instead I got an excuse.  Now I’m really pissed.

My episodes tend to manifest in a very particular way.  My hands and feet get cold, my face gets hot, my ears itch, and my hands shake.  I’ve got all of that going on right now.  And the longer he takes to get back to me, the worse it gets.

I hate having episodes.  Physically they’re uncomfortable and mentally they’re anguishing.  I want to yell or throw things or say really hateful things to people or, better yet, I want to hurt myself.  Seeing as I’m at work I can’t really do any of that.  This is both good and bad.  Good that I can’t hurt myself, bad that I don’t have an outlet to vent some steam.

I could go outside and chain smoke for awhile, but that will just make my already upset stomach feel even worse.  I could attempt to write Josh an email and express some of my anger that way, but he probably wouldn’t read it anyway.  I’m feeling pretty stuck right now so I’m doing the next best thing – writing about it.

I’m pretty sensitive, always have been.  It takes very little to crush me.  The wrong word, the wrong tone of voice, the wrong body language – any of that can set me off.  On the up side, it takes almost as little to make me very happy.  It’s just that right now I’m not getting anything from him so I’m stuck being pissed off.

The longer he waits the more I think about divorce.  He’s never been a particularly good husband, in any way.  I’ve always provided the financial support, I take care of all the household chores, I do most of the care of the kid, I do all of the care of him.  In return I get sex.  That’s about it.  He will occasionally give me a compliment or say something nice.  When he gets his pathetic little paychecks he’ll sometimes spend a few dollars on me.  It’s just not enough anymore.

The problem seems to be that I don’t believe I could get anyone better than him, which rationally is just a crock of shit.  I’ve got a master’s degree, a good paying job, I dress well, I’m super nice (when I’m not having one of these episodes), I’m a great cook, and I’m not bad to look at.  I’ve got a great package to offer some lucky guy.  So why am I settling for the king of the losers???

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how the rest of the day goes.  I do this – I think I’m going to finally kick him out and then when I get home I change my mind.  Maybe I’ll be able to stay mad enough to day to actually go through with it.

ugh

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, kids, life, love, mental illness

Evidently Josh did have some kind of 24 hour stomach virus because he was generous enough to pass it on to me.  I spent yesterday morning puking my guts out and then the rest of the day trying to recover.  I’m back at work today but still not feeling that great.

I wish this week was over already.  I’m ready for it to be Monday again.  Sadly I’ve got to get through the next 3 days at work and then another weekend with the kid.  My uncle is coming into town on the next weekend we’d normally have the kid to visit my dad and there’s just no way I can deal with both him and the kid at the same time.  Two weekends in a row is not my idea of a good time.

The shrug was a big hit.  Everyone was really impressed with how well it turned out and how nice it looked.  I wouldn’t mind doing another one in a different yarn sometime.  Today I’m going to start a floral wrap that I got the yarn for before Christmas.  I had thought maybe I’d start yesterday while I was at home but I just couldn’t muster the attention it would have needed.

The mood has been doing interesting things again.  Yesterday I was pretty depressed most of the day.  Being sick will do that to you.  This morning the mood seems to be a little better even if the energy hasn’t fully returned.  I am kind of pissed at Josh.  Not for making me sick, just for the way he’s been treating me lately.  He thinks it’s funny that I got sick, too.  Anyway, I guess if I had to label the mood right now I’d say it’s pretty normal.

My dad seems to have stabilized again.  He’s been able to stand for brief periods of time again, usually a few times a day, so that’s definite improvement.  I haven’t heard any more about them wanting to move him to a rehab facility, but I’m guessing it won’t be long now.

monday blues

Tags

kids, knitting, life, love, patterns

The weekend turned out about as I expected – long and painful.  We picked the kid up Saturday morning and went and had lunch.  As per usual she ate about 5 bites of her food and decided she was full.  I hate taking her out to eat because she damn near always does this.

After lunch we went to the grocery store to get some supplies.  Then it was back home to find something to do until dinner.  Fortunately Josh’s step mom called and invited us to dinner so the evening was taken care of.  We did a few little crafty things and then headed out.  Unfortunately the entire family was there, including Josh’s sister and her two very unruly girls.  It turned out to be a decent evening in spite of that and we lined up to get together again next weekend so that us big girls can have some craft time together.

Sunday morning Josh was near impossible to get up, which is pretty typical for him.  We finally got him out of bed and had breakfast.  He was complaining that he didn’t feel good the entire day.  I spent most of my time working on finishing a crocheted shrug I started right after Christmas.  The kid worked on painting a stepping stone and then decided she wanted to make a felt monster.  Josh just kind of vegged all day.

We took the kid home around 4:30 and I had hoped we’d finally get some quality time just the two of us, but he still felt unwell.  We did lay down for a few minutes before dinner but it was not our typical snuggle session.  He ate some dinner and then proceeded to start drinking.  This is his regular Sunday night thing – have dinner then drink 3 of the 24oz beers and pass out.  Only something is apparently wrong because around midnight he started coughing, bad.  Sometime between midnight and 2:30 he got up and peed in the trashcan.  Then around 2:30 he got to coughing so hard he threw up all over himself.

Needless to say, I’ve been awake since around midnight and I’m really not happy about it.

He thinks it may be the flu, but I’m wondering if maybe it isn’t pancreatitis.  He had a bout of it last summer and ended up spending two days in the hospital.  He’s home sick today and if he’s not better by the time I get home I’ll be hauling him into the ER.  It just really pisses me off that he can’t be bothered to take better care of himself.  It’s not like he really did anything strenuous this weekend that would have wore him out.  As usual, I was the one doing most of the kid sitting duties.

That probably pisses me off more than anything.  He’s her father and yet most of the time he can’t even be bothered to pay attention to her.  She spends most of her time talking to me when she comes over.  I guess that’s ok, but seriously, man up and be a dad.  Right now he’s more of just a sperm donor.

Anyway, I finished the shrug I’d been working on and I’m really pleased with how it turned out.  The pattern is called Sonata and I got it off Ravelry.  I used a really pretty wool sock yarn that’s shades of blue, green, aqua, and lime.  It turned out great and it was really easy to make.  I’ve got it on at work today and I’m just waiting for my friends to see it.

I also spent a little time working on a knit bag this weekend.  I made one for myself around Christmas to serve as my new work bag and I liked the way it turned out so well that I started making another.  Of course once the kid saw that I had already made one for me she wanted this one for her.  (side note to Gemma – if you would like one, too, just let me know – I think I’ve got enough yarn to make a third one)  The pattern is really easy…

Spiral Bottom Bag

Set of 5 size 7 double pointed needles

16″ size 7 circular needle

worsted weight cotton yarn (I use Lily Sugar & Cream)

stitch marker

yarn needle

On dpns, co 8 stitches and distribute evenly

Join to work in the round being careful not to twist co edge

Knit one round

yo, k to end of needle – repeat across all needles

Repeat until there are 25 stitches on each needle

K even, transferring to circular needle

Continue working even until bag is approximately 14″ from last increase row

Bind off all but 10 stitches

K last 10 stitches, turn to work flat

Continue knitting even working flat until strap is desired length

Bind off, sew strap to opposite side of bag

Weave in ends

weekend

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, kids, life, love, mental illness, sleep

Josh has an 8 year old daughter.  We get her every other weekend for custody visits.  We normally pick her up Saturday morning sometime and then take her back home Sunday evening.  I hate these visits.

I don’t have any children of my own and that’s been done on purpose.  It’s not that I don’t like kids, I just don’t really have the patience to deal with them on a regular basis.  They’re stupid and they generally talk too much and it seems like all they want you to do is spend money on them.  No thanks.

This kid is a picky eater and she talks pretty much non stop from the time she gets up to the time she falls asleep.  Sometimes I can get her to do a craft project with me to pass some time, but not always.  I usually try to have something lined up before we go get her, but not this weekend.  I just don’t really have it in me right now to do that.  I also don’t think I really have it in me to have the visit this weekend, but I’ve put her off for a couple weeks now already, so I guess it’s time to face the music.

I ended up taking yesterday off work.  I didn’t plan to, I just couldn’t get moving in the morning and then I lost all motivation to try.  I ended up spending the day sitting on the couch watching tv.  The only thing I did that could even be considered marginally productive was make dinner.  I just literally didn’t have the energy to do anything else.

I’m guessing this means I’m depressed again, which would kind of make sense.  My whole world feels like it’s been turned upside down and I’m not dealing with it as well as I want everyone to think I am.  I have these really unrealistic expectations for myself and when I don’t meet them I beat myself up.

I’m trying to stick to my routines at home because I know that helps.  I can’t imagine how much worse things would be now if I didn’t have at least some semblance of order in my world.  I have a tendency to get really off balance when my routines get upset.  I guess that’s part of the mental illnesses.  I’ve heard (or maybe read somewhere) that people with bipolar need a lot of structure in their lives.  I know it seems to help me.

Josh was mean to me before he left for work this morning.  He woke up late and was afraid he was going to be late for work so he yelled at me to get out of bed so that I wouldn’t be late, too.  I appreciate that he was concerned about me getting to work, just not so keen on the way he chose to express that concern.  I’m seriously debating not talking to him at all today because of it.

The mood is doing the usual fluctuations.  I actually broke one of my own rules and went to bed angry last night.  I was trying to sleep and Josh just keep watching tv in bed.  I finally got up and was going to go to the living room to sleep when he decided that it was late enough he could just turn it off.  He knows I need to get some sleep yet he seems hell bent on making sure I can’t.