bipolar disorder, crochet, knitting, life, love, mental illness
I’ve been noticing a trend. Even if I go to sleep in a decent mood, I seem to wake up bitchy. I’m not liking this one bit.
Yesterday was kind of strained with Josh. He was pretty quiet most of the day and I was, too. By the time I got home I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. But no, he wanted to snuggle and talk. We did and it was ok, but it didn’t lift my spirits like it usually does. We had a bit of a little fight, got things worked out, and the rest of the evening was uneventful. I passed out early and slept alright.
This morning I woke up around the same time he did and went the the bathroom. When I got out he was waiting to give me a kiss. Then he left for work. He sent his usual morning text when he got to work and then nothing for two hours. When he finally sent me something else it was just a text kiss. I really hate those kisses.
So now I’m stuck. I’m crabby, but for no real good reason. It’s not like he’s done anything to make me mad. It’s not like he’s really done anything at all. And this seems to happen just about every day. What the fuck?
He usually calls me on his breaks, and should be calling in about 45 minutes. I’m debating answering the phone. I don’t really have anything to say and I’m afraid if I do talk to him I’ll be nasty. I just don’t know.
What I don’t get is why this always happens. I know I don’t jump out of bed thrilled at the prospect of spending 9 hours at work, but really, I’ve been working full time my entire adult life – getting up to go to work is no surprise at this point. And it’s really not like he’s done something wrong. I don’t know what the fuck the deal is but it’s getting old, fast.
Maybe I will talk to him and try to pretend that nothing’s wrong. Sometimes I can make that work. The interesting this is if I pretend good enough for long enough, I really do start to feel better. I just hate pretending because it feels so much like lying.
In other news… The shrug is progressing nicely. I finished the first half at lunch yesterday and then picked up the stitches for the second half this morning before I got ready for work. I brought it with me again today so hopefully during lunch I’ll be able to make more progress. I’m really quite pleased with how it’s coming out so far. The sleeves are perhaps a tad baggy, but I’d rather too baggy than too tight. It looks like it should be really comfortable to wear.
I spent a little time yesterday trying to figure out what I should cast on for next. I did start the crocheted floral shawl, but it’s 81 flower motifs that you work separate and then join together with a contrasting yarn. This does not sound like a whole hell of a lot of fun. So, I’ve got an idea for a different kind of knit shrug using a really pretty light pink/lavender sock yarn. This one will be basically a lace rectangle tacked together at the corners. I think I have enough yarn to pull this off, I think. I just need to decide for sure on the lace pattern and see how it works up.
I found out the other day that I’ve got a whole month worth of vacation days saved up. I’m going to try to take a week sometime this spring. I’d like to take spring break, but we’ve got a big upgrade scheduled for then so I don’t know if my boss will want me here or what. I’m really kind of excited at the prospect of it. Just think of how much crafting I could get done with an entire 40 hours at my disposal.