here it comes…

Tags

bipolar disorder, mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain

Me thinks the hypomania is here.  FUCK.

I want to talk, talk, talk – but there’s no one around to talk to.  I want to have a deep and meaningful conversation about ANYTHING with ANYONE.  I’m a little afraid that if I do start talking i won’t stop.

I want a hug.  Fuck that, I NEED a hug.  Again, afraid.  Maybe if someone hugs me I’ll shatter into a thousand pieces.  Who would pick them up?

I want to do stuff, but not work stuff.  I want to knit, crochet, make some jewelry…  Anything with my hands and something pretty.

I want to go home NOW and start tearing the house apart.  I want to reorganize EVERYTHING and I want to do it NOW.

I want to make some kind of huge life change, something positive, something uplifting, something AWESOME.  I have no fucking clue as to what that would be though.

I want to laugh, laugh so loud the whole building can hear me.  I want to be witty and funny and brilliant, and I’m NONE of those things.

I want to tear my hair out in hunks.  It’s hot, it’s making my neck hot, it looks awful today, I hate it.  I want to grow it all the way down my back and wear it in elaborate styles with braids and things.

I want to be beautiful and yet right now I feel hideous.  I’m a troll, a fucking troll.  I hate my face.  Why do my eyes have to be brown???

I’m so fucking TENSE right now that I’m getting cramps in my muscles from being clenched all the time.  I don’t think my skin would even cut right now it’s so fucking tight.  My hands are so thin compared to the rest of me.  My rings are spinning on my fingers.  My body doesn’t even feel like it’s my own.  Can’t fucking hardly type, my fingers keep getting confused.

Is it the sun?  Is it a chemical imbalance?  Too much nicotine?  Not enough food?  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?????

I feel like I’m fucking vibrating.  My brain feels too big for my skull.  My jaw keeps clenching.  I don’t know what to do with my teeth again.  Everything kind of itches.

I’m fine, really.  I’m FUCKING AWESOME.  Just please, someone, anyone, tell me I’m not going to go so high that when I crash I leave a crater in my soul.  Just please, someone tell me I’m going to be ok.  Even if you don’t mean it, I’ll believe you.  I swear.

Here it comes kids…  here it fucking comes…

is it just me?

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain

There seems to be a whole hell of a lot of ICK going on with folks on the interwebs right now.  I realize I’m kind of having my own ick, but my ick seems way less than a lot of folks are dealing with right now.

I should be delighted that my proverbial shit is functioning better than everyone else’s and laugh at their misery, right?  Uh, no.  Wait a sec, FUCK NO.

I feel terrible for everyone who’s struggling right now.  I want to give each and every one of you a big ass hug.  I want to buy y0u some ice cream and tell you it’s going to be better soon.

And then I want to march into shrinky-poo’s office and demand a re-evaluation because I cannot possibly be mental when I seem to be able to hold my shit together so well in comparison.

Oh sweet ceiling cat, Mama has done gone off the fucking deep end AGAIN…

just breathe

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, kids, life, love, mental illness

I went home, we did the usual thing, my head did not explode.

I’m definitely not getting manic, or if I am it’s going to come on slowly.  When I got home I was kind of quiet – I’d been quiet all day – and just tried to pretend that nothing was wrong.  I guess it worked because we didn’t fight.  There was a tense moment in the shower when I asked him about his drinking plans, but I managed to not blow up at him and we didn’t fight.

I think I’ve decided it’s just not worth fighting with him anymore.  I never win, so what’s the fucking point?  And he’s just going to tell me what I want to hear and then do whatever the hell he wants to anyway.  Again I ask, what’s the fucking point?

I did manage to get a little more work done on Gem’s pressie last night and I got some of my yarn photographed and put on Ravelry.  I’m going to try to swap some of it so I needed pics.  Josh helped drag out of the yarn boxes, which was nice.  I do feel like I got something accomplished last night so I’m sure that helped make me feel a little better.

I’m feeling stuck today and I’m going to try to work through it.  There’s really not much going on here at work today so I’m really wishing I felt like I could ask my boss for the afternoon off.  The problem is I think I’ve been asking for too much time lately and I don’t want to make her pissed, so I won’t even ask.  I’d really rather be at home doing things, but what am I going to do…

I’m guessing you’ll be surprised to hear that my current to do list at home only has one thing on it.  Just one.  There are other things that need to be added but by the time I was done with the yarn last night I was tired.  I thought I was going to have a restful evening, but no.  When I asked Josh if he could turn the tv off he said “maybe if you bribe me with some whiskey.”  Seriously, that’s what he said.  I rolled over and proceeded to ignore him.  I’m ignoring him still.

He doesn’t seem to understand that joking about the drinking is NOT going to make it any easier for me to deal with it.  It actually just makes me trust him even less than I already do.  I’m fully prepared now to have him completely blow off our agreement about the drinking and break my heart, YET AGAIN.  I guess what I really need to do is decide whether or not it’s worth sticking in a relationship that seems to be full of little but broken promises.

The mood is still pretty weird.  I really thought I was going to get manic, or at least hypomanic, yesterday but that didn’t happen.  Not sure if I can attribute that to good coping skills or the external factors I had to deal with last night.  I certainly don’t feel like I’m getting manic now.  I don’t really feel depressed either.  I guess I’m just sort of stuck in the middle, not really feeling too much of anything for too long.

I can’t say as I like the mood shit that’s going on right now.  I wouldn’t really want to be depressed, but I could definitely use a little of the energy and motivation that sometimes comes with the mania.  This so called “normal” shit is just frustrating.  I want to feel SOMETHING.  The almost complete lack of feeling has me questioning whether or not I’m really even alive right now, and that sucks.

I’m still worried about getting the kid this weekend.  I just don’t seem to have a whole lot of patience right now with anyone and I really don’t want to unleash the fury on either her or Josh.  I haven’t come up with a way to be gone though, so I guess I’m stuck.

I’ve said it before, I don’t like kids.  I don’t understand them and I don’t have patience for them and I’d really rather just not have to deal with them.  I had my girl parts shut down for a reason.  This whole step-mom bullshit is really just too much for me to deal with.

scared to go home

Tags

bipolar disorder, kids, life, love, mental illness

I think I’m about to go manic.  It’s just a suspicion, but it’s there.  I’m starting to get the grandiose ideas about doing ALL the things, tonight.  I’ve got a million ideas in my head and no means to do much of anything with them.

I’m also afraid the mouth might get out of control tonight and I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT WITH HIM AGAIN.

We are slaves to our routines, Josh and I.  We have our entire afternoon/evening planned out before either of us ever leaves work.  And it’s always the same.  He goes home, shits, eats a snack, and then gets naked and plays with his nook in bed until I get home.  I come home, drop my things in the appropriate places, get naked, and join him in bed.  We talk and snuggle for 30 – 45 minutes, then have lukewarm sex.  After that it’s time for a shower and dinner preparation.

The same thing, EVERY FUCKING DAY.

I don’t want that today, I really don’t.  I have things I want to do.  Things I need to do.  But if I try to deviate from the routine he gets frightened and we fight.

I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT WITH HIM AGAIN.

I need to find some way to convey to him that there are times when our routine is awesome and very comforting.  But there are other times when the routine is stifling and it just fucking kills me. HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO I DO THIS???

I’m already getting pissy about having the brat this weekend.  I’m trying to find excuses to not be home, to go do something, to be anywhere but stuck inside those four fucking walls with him and that brat spawn of his.  I’m not cut out for this shit, seriously.

Praise jesus and pass the prozac…  it’s gonna be a long night.

of moods and foods

Tags

bipolar disorder, random shit that falls out of my brain, weight loss

My stomach and my brain seem to have a closer connection than they should.  My moods very directly effect my appetite and my ability to process food.  So now it would seem that my ENTIRE FUCKING BODY is out to get me.

The last several days I’ve had almost no appetite at all.  I’ve eaten bits here and there because I know I need to, but pretty well just the bare minimum to keep my body from thinking it’s starving.  I have to eat something at night with my pills otherwise they don’t work at all, but the last few days that’s about all I’ve eaten.  I didn’t really think much of this as I would really like to lose some weight, I just don’t necessarily think this is the best way to go about doing it.

Anyway, this morning I had to stop and get smokes on the way to work so while I was at the gas station I picked up a pastry and a bottle of milk.  Didn’t eat it until after I’d been here about an hour.  Didn’t get hungry again until just a few minutes ago.  I finally ate some Cheetos.  I know, high quality food there.  Anyway, now I’m thinking maybe I am a little hungry and should perhaps nosh on something before I go home and empty the fridge into my gullet.

Does anyone else have the mood/food connection?

driving miss daisy

Tags

bipolar disorder, friends, kids, knitting, life, limits, love, mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain, work

There are many, many things I love about living in this part of the country, and in this city in particular.  We have pretty clearly defined seasons which means I get a little bit of everything when it comes to the weather.  I almost always get a hot Fourth of July and a white Christmas.  I like that.  There’s plenty to do here, or within a short drive of here.  We have a great museum, lots of historical stuff, and we’ve got a big enough arena that big name bands actually come here now.  This city has more restaurants per capita than just about anywhere else, New York city included.  There are lots of parks and pretty green spaces, easy access to outdoor activities, and since we’re pretty well smack-ass in the middle of the country, it doesn’t take too terribly long to get to just about anywhere else.  I love it here and I can’t imagine living anywhere else.

(I’m building the scene for you, sit down and shut up, I’m not done yet.)

I’m quite lucky that the university I work at is flexible with their hours.  It’s up to my boss’s discretion when I work, just as long as I put in my 40 hours every week.  Because of Josh’s schedule, and my propensity to get up at the ass crack of dawn, I work 7am – 4pm.  I have one other colleague on our team who works this shift; the other folks work 8am – 5pm.  I like the early shift for several reasons, namely because it gets me out of here before anyone else.  This is awesome all year long because it helps me avoid traffic regardless of the condition of the roads.  On the drive in I take one route and miss most of the traffic because the morning rush doesn’t really start until after 7.  On the drive home I take a different route because it’s faster given that the evening rush starts between 3:30 and 4.  I should point out that my commute takes about 15 – 20 minutes each way, depending of course on weather and when I can actually leave.  I never bitch about my commute because I know it could be worse, a lot worse.

(The scene is set, are you ready for this kids?)

So, I love this city and I’m pretty pleased with the hours I work.  My complaint (you knew there had to be one) is that people around here are FUCKING RUDE DRIVERS.  Turn signals seem to be an option on vehicles and most folks didn’t want to spend the extra $5 to have them installed.  Red lights, which to you and I mean STOP, to them mean FLOOR IT MOTHER FUCKER.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been 4 or 5 cars back at a particular intersection and MISSED THE GREEN because the sonofabitches in the turn lanes coming the opposite direction DON’T FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT THEIR LIGHT IS RED, RED MOTHER FUCKERS, RED.

Perhaps people are like this all over the place?  I don’t think so.  I’ve driven other places, lots of other places actually, and I’ve never witnessed the kind of blatant disregard for traffic laws that I see here.  And it’s worse the farther west you go in this city.  East of the major north/south street it’s better; west of it, you might as well put on your racing helmet and strap into your harness.

By working the hours I do I’m able to avoid some of the IGNORANT MOTHER FUCKERS, but not always.  In the morning it isn’t usually as bad, but in the afternoon it’s TERRIBLE.  And I’m not even driving the tiny Honda anymore, Josh drives that.  I drive a Jeep Grand Cherokee, so it’s not like I’m a small vehicle.  Last night on the way home I damn near got run off the road by some ASS HAT in a pedo-van who was either drunk or texting – I couldn’t tell which, but he was weaving all over the place.

That’s the other thing that gets me about driving here – people do not seem to be capable of driving and talking on their phones at the same time.  WHAT THE FUCK?  If you’re too easily distracted by the talkie, then FUCKING HANG UP.  I have been known to text while driving (don’t judge, I bet you’ve done it too) but anymore I limit my message sending to stop lights and traffic jams.  I also know that it’s not a good idea for me to try to talk on the phone while smoking while driving, so I avoid that whenever possible.  The worst offenders seem to be women my age, usually with several small children in the back of their mini vans.  GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE AND DRIVE, I’VE GOT PLACES TO GO BITCH.  I’d be willing to bet MY ENTIRE PAYCHECK that whatever TRIVIAL FUCKING THING you’re talking about can WAIT until you get to the mall.

Oh sweet jesus, it feels kind of nice to have that off my chest…

***

I started a new project last night that I would love to tell you about but I can’t.  It’s a surprise, and a present, and I know that dearest darling Gem-star reads this blog and she’d definitely notice this, so I can’t tell you anything about it yet.  Well, yeah, maybe a little.  It’s going to be beautiful, and really soft, and the colors are amazing, and I can’t wait to see her wear it.  SQUEE!!!  So the shawl goes on the back burner for a bit.  I was getting kind of pissed off at it anyway, so it’s good for it to go in time out for a little while.  Sometimes yarn needs to sit and think about what it’s done to you.

I have 7 days (counting today) left of work and then I get a week off.  PRAISE CEILING CAT!  I’ve got a ton of stuff to do that week, including a garage sale, but still – it is time I DON’T HAVE TO BE COOPED UP IN THIS TINY LITTLE CLOSET OF A FUCKING OFFICE WITH NO GODDAMN VENTILATION.  I will be seeing dearest darling shrinky-poo and possibly dropping in on Gemma, not sure yet.  Josh’s birthday and our anniversary are that week, not sure yet what I’m doing for either.  They’re actually the same day.  He insisted on that to lessen the possibility of him forgetting our anniversary.  Given his poor memory, I figured it was alright to let him stack the deck in his favor on this one.

My mood is kind of… odd.  I felt very fragile yesterday and Josh and I had to have some discussions about that.  We got back to what I think feels like a good place, just have to see how long we can stay there.  We cycle like this, which is oddly comforting.  Every time we have an extended bad spell we manage to somehow come back together and we usually seem stronger for it.  I really hope that’s the case this time.  We have the kid this weekend and I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HAVE ANY FUCKING DRAMA while she’s around.  I just fucking can’t.  I still have no idea what we’re going to do with her, but I know I’m going to insist on some time for me to work on my shit.  She’s 9, she has toys at our house, she’ll bring her Kindle thing with her, she can fucking well entertain herself.  Josh had just FUCKING WELL BETTER GET OFF HIS DEAD ASS AND TAKE CARE OF THE FUCKING BRAT OR I WILL SCREAM.  I’ve reached my limit of being a babysitter to that little brat.

faces and names

Tags

life, love

the happy couple

That’s Josh.  That’s me.  Yeah, with the Princess Leia buns.  Me.  Erin.  I have that picture on my desk and I keep staring at it, looking for answers.

When we’re happy, we’re really happy.  And when we’re good to each other, we’re great.  But when the shit hits the fan, look out.

I love him.  I really truly love him.  I couldn’t tell you why.  For some reason he seems to complete me.  I guess that’s all there really is to it.

He loved me first, knowing full well just how broken I am.  And he still loves me, knowing full well how broken I really am.  He may not always be the best to me, but let’s be honest – I’m not always the best to him.

We seem to truly love each other and I guess, at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.

do over

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, crochet, knitting, life, love, meds, mental illness, money, normal, sleep, weight loss

I ended up talking to him yesterday afterall and I guess things are alright again.  He agreed that he won’t hide the drinking from me and I agreed to start paying the bills on time.  Seemed like a fair deal to me.

Today I’m trying to start fresh.  I’m doing things to try to keep myself in a good mood and actually get things done.  I brought my knitting to work with me so perhaps I can make some progress at lunch.  I also managed to find an extra power cord for my phone so that I don’t have to worry about the battery fizzling out in the afternoon.  And I had a few dollars in my purse this morning so I stopped and got a mocha.  Here’s hoping that all helps.

I’m loving my new phone.  It does everything I need it to, lots of things I don’t need but enjoy, and it keeps a charge for almost two full days.  The only reason the battery gave out on me the other day is because I was using it way more than usual.  I figure since I’ve brought the cord to work I won’t ever need it.  Ain’t that the way it always goes.

My mood has been doing some interesting things the last few days.  I think mostly I’ve been depressed.  I haven’t been wanting to get up in the mornings and my appetite has almost disappeared.  The only thing I’ve really been able to keep up with is my appearance.  I know that if I can present a “normal” facade to the world that I am more likely to feel the normal.  Sounds stupid perhaps, but it seems to help me.

I’ve got an appointment with the psych doc next month and I’m considering asking for a change in my cocktail.  The Geodon doesn’t always work as intended and I’m getting a little frustrated with it.  Some days it works fine, some days not at all, and some days it works all too well.  I need something a little more reliable.  I wish I could remember some of the things I’ve tried in the past, but the only ones that come to mind are Seroquel and Zyprexa and I’d really rather not go back to either of those.  There’s no way in hell I’d be able to lose weight on either of them.  I really just don’t know what my options are at this point and that’s frustrating.

I have to tell you kids that I’ve found this awesome thing and I just have to share it with you.  It’s a website called Reddit.  The address is http://www.reddit.com.  They have communities for EVERYTHING, including Bipolar and Borderline.  There’s also communities for just about any interest.  Lately I’ve been cruising the crochet and knitting areas.  Anyway, it’s awesome.  I realize that I’m probably not telling you anything you didn’t already know because I am not one of the cool kids and hence am always the very last to find out about the good stuff, but seriously, go check it out.  It’s AWESOME.

forgot to show you

Tags

crochet

It’s just proof that my brains are addled right now…  I forgot to show you one of my most favoritest gifties.

rose from Gemma

She crocheted that rose, just for me.  Found a pattern, followed it, everything…  I’m so fucking proud of her and delighted that she made this for me.  I just had to put it on my purse so that I can see it every day.

what to do now

Tags

alcohol

I ended up leaving work early yesterday because I was so incredibly pissed off at Josh that I couldn’t even see straight.  I went home and waited for him.  As usual, I abandoned my plan to kick him out.  We talked and I explained that what had really pissed me off wasn’t the fact that he did drink, but rather that he had told me he wouldn’t and then he did.  I tried getting him to see that it’s a trust issue.  I also asked him if there was anything else going on that I needed to know about.  He said no.  I dropped it.  We made up properly and went about our evening.

Around 7:30 he told me that he was feeling pretty stressed out because of some financial issues and would it be ok if he had one beer after I fell asleep.  I was very pleased by his willingness to ask me so I agreed that one would be ok, with the usual caveat that this does not turn into an every night thing.  He agreed and I went to sleep.

This morning I found the empty can, and was not surprised.  What shocked the shit out of me was the flash light on my nightstand – where I’d been hiding the whiskey.  The bottle is visibly emptier.  Pissed off in action.  But wait, it gets better.  In the kitchen trash I found TWO empty bottles of whiskey, one of the shooter size and one a pint.

That lousy son of a bitch is hiding it from me STILL.

So far I haven’t talked to him this morning and I’m going to try very hard not to talk to him at all today.  I’m so fucking pissed off I know that I would be unable to be civil to him.  I’m really thinking this is going to end up being the straw that broke the camel’s back.