So far I’ve reorganized the file tree on my desk, made a new background for Gemma’s blog, added a new page here, redone my header graphic AGAIN, and generally fucked around. My to do list for at home is up to a whopping 20 things. Still trying to figure out how I’m going to get all of it done it 2 days. But you know me, I’ll try my best. Anyway, in case I forget, someone needs to remind me to give y’all an update on the yearly goals. I think I’ve made some progress that’s worth sharing. Have a loverly weekend folks!
My mind is going about a million miles an hour right now. I don’t think this is mania though – it feels different. I’ve been able to concentrate some this morning and I’ve gotten a few productive things done for work. I also did a few tidy-up type things here. Feels good. Anyway, I’ve got all of these ideas for stuff I want to do and I thought perhaps I’d just make myself a little list here… I’m weird, I know. Shut up.
- make another shrug – green mohair, same as the One Skein but with different yarn
- make that shawl I found this morning
- tie-dye a t-shirt
- work on my book
- make a pair of earrings – have the stuff, just need to get the tools out
- fix my medical ID bracelet – it broke weeks ago and I still haven’t gotten then 69 cent piece to fix it
- make cookies – grandma’s sugar cookie recipe to be specific
I just have these compulsions to do stuff right now. Sitting in this desk chair is KILLING ME. I want to be at home getting things done. But of course since my boss isn’t here today I can’t go beg to take the afternoon off. ARGH!!!
Fair warning, don’t be surprised if I post again. The productive thing I’m doing for work is rewriting documentation and that shit is boring as watching paint dry.
So much to talk about, where to start…
I do indeed have bruises on my hips. Not bad, but still. I’m starting to feel a little better but I’m still pretty stiff. I’ve pretty well decided that this is the new way my body is going to deal with stress. Ah yes, piss off the system and the system will bite you in the ass. Literally.
Things with Josh have settled down, I think. Yesterday was strained, but I was expecting that. When I got home we kind of talked about what had happened and got things straightened out. The problem is when we fight, he finds the nastiest thing to say to me knowing full well how much it’s going to hurt my feelings. I don’t fight like that. I know that once I say something I can’t take it back. Anyway, I guess we’re back to normal. And of course that means he’s being uncommunicative again this morning. I’m finding that I just can’t win with him. I’m just about to be done trying.
The moods for the most part are holding stable. I have what I think are probably normal fluctuations during the day. I go up a little, I go down a little, but I seem to be coming back to the middle fairly quickly and pretty regularly. I’m thinking this is a good thing. Perhaps I’m really at the “normal” place again. It’s really hard to say with me. All I know for sure is that I don’t feel much of anything too strongly for too long, so I’m considering that a good thing.
I brought my to do list with me today so that I could evaluate and make a plan of attack. There’s 12 things now and I’m thinking I should be able to get damn near everything done this weekend if I manage my time right. I kind of already started a little this morning so that’s good. I just have this feeling that if I can get this stuff done it will lift some of the weight off my shoulders and perhaps help my back feel a little better. I know it will make the brain feel better, so it’s worth a try.
I am indeed going to try the goals things. What I posted earlier this week is the official list.
- Finish the scarf for the kid.
- Find the missing picture of me and Dad and print it.
- Finish my to do list.
- Start reading Game of Thrones with Josh.
- Start my Christmas list.
I did start the Christmas list, so I’m already ahead of the game. We’ll see how long I can keep this going.
I also found the perfect pattern this morning for a ball of sock yarn I have at home. It’s this shawl from Knitty. I’ve got enough yarn with the one ball and it looks pretty easy. I’d like to try to start it soon. The yarn is Dream in Color “Starry” in the Wisterious colorway, which means it’s kind of pinky and purpley with a little thread of silver running through it. I think it will be perfect for this pattern because the color changes are very subtle. I’m looking forward to it.
My boss has the day off today so I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’ve got plenty I could do to stay busy, just not sure what I’ll be able to concentrate on. My brain still doesn’t feel quite right so sometimes it’s hard to think straight. My psych doc said that might take awhile to come back after losing my dad. Usually I bounce back fairly quickly from these kinds of things, but maybe not this time. I’ve been trying to stretch my mental muscles a little every day, but not push myself so hard that it hurts. I’m also still trying to be patient with myself. I did suffer an injury of sorts so I should be willing to accept that it’s going to take some time to heal.
I’m really just hoping that today goes smoothly and that the weekend does as well. No drama, no fights, no problems. It’s probably too much to ask for, but it doesn’t hurt to hope. I haven’t had a real borderline episode in awhile now and I’d like to keep it that way. I’d be perfectly ok just dealing with the bipolar – I know how to manage that pretty well. The borderline is like a whole different creature. It comes on suddenly, lasts an indeterminate amount of time, and drains me. I’ve told Josh before that I’m like a live hand grenade, and that’s really how I feel sometimes. The pin has already been pulled, all it’s going to take is a slight upset to make me explode. I hate it. The DBT stuff I went through helps some, but it’s not a cure. And it takes effort, real concerted effort, and there’s times I just don’t have it in me to do that kind of work. I try, really I do. It’s just that sometimes it’s too fucking hard.
I’m not a believer in the Christian god, but I’ve always liked the Serenity Prayer. I actually have the word serenity tattooed on my right wrist. It seems fitting.
god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference