It is apparently a REALLY BAD IDEA to be thinking about picking up the Rx for your sleeping pills whilst assembling your morning pills. I sucked down a Geodon without even blinking. By the time I realized what I’d done it was too late to do anything. Well, that’s not quite true. I could have stuck something down my throat to make myself puke, but really, who wants to do that? So anyway, here I am, hoping like hell that since there’s no food in my belly the damn thing doesn’t kick in.
Speaking of food and bellies, I’ve decided I’m fat. Well, that’s not quite true either. I’ve known I’m fat for quite a while now. It’s just that last night Josh was lamenting the fact that the brand new jeans we bought him, which are a size larger than he used to wear, are really just too tight. So he got on the scale to see just how bad it is. Me, being the world’s biggest DUMBASS, decided I would also get on the scale. HOLY SHIT WHEN DID I GET FAT?!?!?!
Ah yes, the scale. The fat girl’s arch nemesis. I have a rule, which I broke obviously, but here it is – I only weigh myself at the shrink’s office on her scale. She’s the only one who ever really cares what I weigh, so why should I concern myself with it at home? But I did, and now I’m pissed. Well, slightly less pissed this morning because after having a nice bowel movement and not wearing any clothes I weigh less than I did last night. But still, I’m 5’6″ and I weigh 265lbs. I’m FAT.
The thing that’s funny, if you’re the sick sort like me that can find gross obesity amusing, is that while this is the heaviest I’ve ever been, my clothes pretty well still fit just fine. Oh sure, there’s a few pairs of pants that are a little more snug than I’d prefer and there’s a shirt or two that are a tad tight, but I can still wear all of my clothes. And it’s still the same size I’ve been wearing for the last 10 years.
I know I need to lose some weight. I’d feel better, I’d look better, Josh would perhaps find me even more irresistible… I’m just trying to figure out a plan of attack, identify my problem areas, and start doing something.
I drink tea, all day every day. If it was just regular tea it would be fine, but I like the sweet stuff – which is full of empty calories. I do like the Mio stuff, but Josh keeps buying me these big cans of the good stuff. The can I’m drinking right now has 100 calories in it and I drink at least 2 of those a day, sometimes as many as 4. That might not seem like a lot, but it adds up. Gotta see if I can get him to stop getting me the tea.
I also tend to snack a lot at work. I get bored during the day, or frustrated, and I reach for the snacks. I do try to keep some healthy snacks around, but let’s face it – if given the choice between chocolate and granola, I’m almost always going to choose the chocolate. I need to try to purge this office of all the junk food and then not bring any more in.
I’ve heard that people who eat breakfast every day have an easier time losing weight. I’m considering this. Not this morning – I think putting food in my belly right now could very well activate the Geodon and then it’d be lights out for the Mama. I do sometimes have a little fruit for breakfast. Perhaps I need to get better at that.
The big thing I need to start doing is getting more activity. I’m really kind of lazy and I don’t like to sweat, so exercising is like completely at the bottom of my list. I do have access to a treadmill and walking isn’t too bad. Just need to figure out when in my already overloaded day I’d have time to fit that in. I guess maybe if I got up when Josh left the house I could walk for a little bit before getting ready for work. Must try.
Ideally I’d like to lose 100lbs. Realistically I’m shooting for 50lbs. We’re supposed to take the kid on vacation at the end of May. I’d like to have lost at least 10lbs by then. We’re going to Florida – doing the Disney thing – so there’ll be a ton of walking involved and I don’t want to be the old fat broad who can’t keep up. There’s 8 weeks before we leave – so I think 10lbs is very reasonable. Actually, 20lbs would be better. We’ll see.
The birthday was decent. Josh sang to me and gave me the best gift of all – some uninterrupted time together. All in all, not a bad day. Just wish I could have talked to my dad.
The mood seems to be ok. I had a few times yesterday when I could sense that things had the potential to get ugly, but I managed to keep my shit together just fine and it all worked out well. The mood this morning is ok, I just feel stupid about the whole pill situation. That is so me though.
This morning I’m going to try to see if I can’t get some things lined up for the next few days. There’s a lot to be done yet to get ready for the party and I want to get all of that stuff organized. I’d say I’m going to try getting some real work done, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to concentrate with the Geodon in my system. Only time will tell I guess.