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I went home, we did the usual thing, my head did not explode.

I’m definitely not getting manic, or if I am it’s going to come on slowly.  When I got home I was kind of quiet – I’d been quiet all day – and just tried to pretend that nothing was wrong.  I guess it worked because we didn’t fight.  There was a tense moment in the shower when I asked him about his drinking plans, but I managed to not blow up at him and we didn’t fight.

I think I’ve decided it’s just not worth fighting with him anymore.  I never win, so what’s the fucking point?  And he’s just going to tell me what I want to hear and then do whatever the hell he wants to anyway.  Again I ask, what’s the fucking point?

I did manage to get a little more work done on Gem’s pressie last night and I got some of my yarn photographed and put on Ravelry.  I’m going to try to swap some of it so I needed pics.  Josh helped drag out of the yarn boxes, which was nice.  I do feel like I got something accomplished last night so I’m sure that helped make me feel a little better.

I’m feeling stuck today and I’m going to try to work through it.  There’s really not much going on here at work today so I’m really wishing I felt like I could ask my boss for the afternoon off.  The problem is I think I’ve been asking for too much time lately and I don’t want to make her pissed, so I won’t even ask.  I’d really rather be at home doing things, but what am I going to do…

I’m guessing you’ll be surprised to hear that my current to do list at home only has one thing on it.  Just one.  There are other things that need to be added but by the time I was done with the yarn last night I was tired.  I thought I was going to have a restful evening, but no.  When I asked Josh if he could turn the tv off he said “maybe if you bribe me with some whiskey.”  Seriously, that’s what he said.  I rolled over and proceeded to ignore him.  I’m ignoring him still.

He doesn’t seem to understand that joking about the drinking is NOT going to make it any easier for me to deal with it.  It actually just makes me trust him even less than I already do.  I’m fully prepared now to have him completely blow off our agreement about the drinking and break my heart, YET AGAIN.  I guess what I really need to do is decide whether or not it’s worth sticking in a relationship that seems to be full of little but broken promises.

The mood is still pretty weird.  I really thought I was going to get manic, or at least hypomanic, yesterday but that didn’t happen.  Not sure if I can attribute that to good coping skills or the external factors I had to deal with last night.  I certainly don’t feel like I’m getting manic now.  I don’t really feel depressed either.  I guess I’m just sort of stuck in the middle, not really feeling too much of anything for too long.

I can’t say as I like the mood shit that’s going on right now.  I wouldn’t really want to be depressed, but I could definitely use a little of the energy and motivation that sometimes comes with the mania.  This so called “normal” shit is just frustrating.  I want to feel SOMETHING.  The almost complete lack of feeling has me questioning whether or not I’m really even alive right now, and that sucks.

I’m still worried about getting the kid this weekend.  I just don’t seem to have a whole lot of patience right now with anyone and I really don’t want to unleash the fury on either her or Josh.  I haven’t come up with a way to be gone though, so I guess I’m stuck.

I’ve said it before, I don’t like kids.  I don’t understand them and I don’t have patience for them and I’d really rather just not have to deal with them.  I had my girl parts shut down for a reason.  This whole step-mom bullshit is really just too much for me to deal with.