I’m not sure why I still bother…
I talked to Josh briefly this morning on his first break. It was terse, but ok I guess. I told him I couldn’t talk at lunch because of a meeting. He said that was fine, he’d talk to me later. I went to my meeting and when I got back there was text thanking me for his sandwich, that was it. Fine. At his last break he sent 2 messages, one asking how things were going and the other saying that he loves me. Then nothing. At the very end of his break he finally sent one more saying he’d see me soon.
Perhaps I shouldn’t be pissed off, but I really am.
I finally sent him 2 messages back saying thanks for talking to me and I’ve never felt as loved as I do right now. I’m just kind of waiting to see if he gets the sarcasm. I doubt it.
Here’s the thing – I went home in a less than great mood yesterday and finally caved to his attempts to put me in a better mood. Today I’m thinking I’ll just stay pissed off. I think I’d rather like it that way. Except that means a fight, and I always lose the fights. Trying to figure out the delicate balance of this one.
This would be the borderline in action. He’s slighted me and now I want to lash out and beat him to death. And I just might try.
Tired of feeling like a doormat, tired of being taken advantage of, and quite frankly, tired of being married. I was way happier when I was single. I think. I had to have been because I’m utterly miserable right now.
I’m trying my best to work the fucking DBT skills, but holy fucking hell, this shit is HARD. I already smoked a cigarette outside in the nice cool air to try and clear my head. Didn’t work. Trying listening to music. Not helping so much. Been chatting with Gemma. Nice distraction, but she doesn’t have any answers either.
I’m really just stuck until I can physically do something about this. The question is, what will I do this time? And the answer is, most likely, NOTHING. I will go home and he’ll say something and I’ll cave and go back to thinking he’s the best thing since sliced fucking bread. And that is just so WRONG. He’s an ASSHOLE of the highest magnitude. And I just get to sit here stewing until 4 when I can leave and go home to him. I really don’t want to go home to him, seriously. I could always go home, get pills and clothes, and go hang with Gemma for the night. But really, what would that solve? Tomorrow I’d be faced with the same situation. Running is not an option. Hitting him upside the head with a baseball bat might be.
It’s really not something I should joke about. We’ve hit each other before. Yes, we. I’ve taken a swing at him a few times myself. He hits back so it’s really not much fun. The problem is that we both have raging tempers and we seem to enjoy taking it out on each other. Not healthy. Probably another reason I should eliminate him from the picture.
He’s not answering my text messages which means he either really is busy and can’t take time to look, or I’ve pissed him off sufficiently that he’s going to ignore me until I get home. Kind of wish I knew. Not knowing means I’m walking into the viper’s nest when I go home. And I doubt that if he hasn’t looked at them by now that he won’t remember to look when he gets off work, so it’s almost like I shouldn’t have even bothered sending them.
I’ve tried telling him before that I think us talking at all during the day is a bad idea, specifically because of days like today. I get all butt-hurt because he doesn’t do exactly what I think he should and then it fucks up my entire day. If he just didn’t talk to me at all during the day I don’t think I’d get all upset like this. He, however, insists that if he didn’t check on me that things would be worse when we got home. I’m seriously thinking it’s time to try things my way. This shit has got to STOP.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I’m going to go smoke, again. Maybe the extra chemicals will calm me down.