This one always brightens my day…
This one always brightens my day…
Sometimes you apparently have to unleash a little of the inner bitch in order to get the results. Lesson learned.
I got home and was over the top sweet to him, for about 5 minutes. And then I went over the top BITCH on his ass. Ah yes, that was lovely. I had to physically wrestle him to the bed to get him to shut up and listen to me. And then it was all good again. Sometimes these naughty boys just need a proper spanking to get them back in line.
I’m starting to think that the alleged un-mania of a few weeks ago might have been legit. I feel like I’ve come down, WAY DOWN, and I don’t like it one bit. Part of my nocturnal apathy may well be from the drama I’m having to endure through the day, but seriously, I think this goes deeper. The sun was out yesterday, which should have helped. But after the smack-down session and some dinner, I was completely spent. I made his sandwich and got my lunch bits ready and then flopped on the bed and passed out. Not cool.
I had a serious debate with myself this morning about the value of going to work. I was sorely tempted to just make up some ailment and stay home so that I could perhaps get something done. But no, my midwestern work ethic won out and here I am. I didn’t even bring the shawl with me. I figured there was no point, I haven’t gotten anything done with it for several days, what makes me think today would be any different? Yeah, it’s at home.
Tonight is the concert. I don’t want to go. I’m too fucking tired. I tried telling Josh this last night and he got kind of pissy with me. He argued that we both already have some time off on Friday to allow for sleeping in, and we already paid for the tickets, so why not go. BECAUSE I’M TIRED YOU IDIOT. I’m thinking right now I’d rather have a quiet night at home and some time to sleep in the next morning than go to a concert with a bunch of fucking teenagers. Call me an old fuddy duddy, I don’t really care. He told me to wait and see how I feel today. Newsflash asswipe, I’M STILL TIRED. Call me crazy, but I don’t think a night out on the town is going to make me any less tired.
I don’t know, I guess we’ll have to see how things go the rest of the day. I’m pretty fucking tired still but I seem to be keeping my shit together fairly well. He’s texted me a few times already and should be going to break soon, so as long as all that goes alright I guess it should be a decent day. I don’t have any meetings today so, in theory, I should be able to get a lot done. Here’s hoping…
So apparently first thing this morning was the high point of my day. Fucking figures.
I had someone in my office when Josh went on his first break so I didn’t get to text him as much as I’d wanted. But when I started getting back to him he blew me off again. I sent a text after he went back to work telling him not to call at lunch. For whatever reason he decided to get back to me right then and we started going round and round again. Fuck.
At lunch I really didn’t want to talk to him but for some stupid reason I answered the phone. It was alright until it was almost time for him to go back to work and he hung up on me. He claims that it was the phone. He is forever blaming his phone for this kind of shit. Sick of it. Anyway, he’s been texting me off and on since then. All I’ve been responding with is either “it’s ok” or “it’s alright.” Nothing else. He’ll be going on break again in a few more minutes and I’m pretty sure that conversation will be just a repeat of earlier.
I’ve managed to get a few things done today but nothing all that impressive. I looked at the shawl and promptly shoved it back in the bag. No sense fucking it up for no reason.
I’m trying to keep myself sort of calm by listening to some of my favorite tunes. Right now it’s The Dollyrots. This is my theme song…
Ah yes, nothing…
I went home with my little plan in my head and once I got there it vanished. As per usual. I told him that I realize I can’t change him, he’s got to do that. I told him that I really want to trust him, but I don’t feel like I can right now. And I told him that I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Ever.
We didn’t fight. We had a very quiet and rational discussion and I think things are alright now. We’ll see how today goes.
I got virtually nothing done last night. I was exhausted. I sat on the couch for a few minutes watching tv but that was about it. I’m pretty sure I was asleep before 9. I woke up at 4 this morning to go to the bathroom and then promptly fell back asleep. I made it to work on time and I seem to be functioning alright so far.
Where, oh where, did all of my beautiful energy go?
The weather here has been rather rainy and odd the last few days. Not odd for spring in Nebraska, but odd. Not quite sure how to explain it. I guess you’d have to have lived here to really understand. Anyway, it’s supposed to be sunny and warmer today. I’m hoping so. Maybe more sun would cheer me up.
I know for sure that some productivity would cheer me up. Just trying to figure out how to get that accomplished. I’ve done a few things here already but I’ve got a butt load more that I need to do. I’m just hoping today doesn’t end up being another day aimlessly surfing the web and wasting time.
I brought the current shawl with me today and hopefully I’ll make a little progress at lunch. I didn’t get much done yesterday because I was already irritated with Josh and if there’s one thing I know it’s that I have no business playing with yarn while I’m irritated. Hopefully today is smooth and I get another couple rows done.
Josh wants me to teach him how to use Photoshop this weekend. In a way I’m kind of looking forward to it. I like teaching people new things. I just hope I have enough of the skills he’s interested in and that he’s patient. Patience is not known for being one of his better qualities. He mentioned trying to redo the rose picture this week so that we could try coloring it in PS this weekend. Maybe tonight I can get him to do the line drawing.
I really need to revisit my to do list at home, like maybe tonight. I know there’s a ton of stuff I need to get done over the next several days, I just need to form some kind of plan of attack. Maybe if I have a good day today I’ll go home with a little energy and I can start getting things done tonight. I can always hope.
The mood has finally settled back down I think. I woke up a little grumpy but I’d been having weird dreams, so that’s not unusual. I feel pretty decent right now and I’m hoping to stay that way today. Just waiting for Josh’s first break right now to see how that goes.
I’m not sure why I still bother…
I talked to Josh briefly this morning on his first break. It was terse, but ok I guess. I told him I couldn’t talk at lunch because of a meeting. He said that was fine, he’d talk to me later. I went to my meeting and when I got back there was text thanking me for his sandwich, that was it. Fine. At his last break he sent 2 messages, one asking how things were going and the other saying that he loves me. Then nothing. At the very end of his break he finally sent one more saying he’d see me soon.
Perhaps I shouldn’t be pissed off, but I really am.
I finally sent him 2 messages back saying thanks for talking to me and I’ve never felt as loved as I do right now. I’m just kind of waiting to see if he gets the sarcasm. I doubt it.
Here’s the thing – I went home in a less than great mood yesterday and finally caved to his attempts to put me in a better mood. Today I’m thinking I’ll just stay pissed off. I think I’d rather like it that way. Except that means a fight, and I always lose the fights. Trying to figure out the delicate balance of this one.
This would be the borderline in action. He’s slighted me and now I want to lash out and beat him to death. And I just might try.
Tired of feeling like a doormat, tired of being taken advantage of, and quite frankly, tired of being married. I was way happier when I was single. I think. I had to have been because I’m utterly miserable right now.
I’m trying my best to work the fucking DBT skills, but holy fucking hell, this shit is HARD. I already smoked a cigarette outside in the nice cool air to try and clear my head. Didn’t work. Trying listening to music. Not helping so much. Been chatting with Gemma. Nice distraction, but she doesn’t have any answers either.
I’m really just stuck until I can physically do something about this. The question is, what will I do this time? And the answer is, most likely, NOTHING. I will go home and he’ll say something and I’ll cave and go back to thinking he’s the best thing since sliced fucking bread. And that is just so WRONG. He’s an ASSHOLE of the highest magnitude. And I just get to sit here stewing until 4 when I can leave and go home to him. I really don’t want to go home to him, seriously. I could always go home, get pills and clothes, and go hang with Gemma for the night. But really, what would that solve? Tomorrow I’d be faced with the same situation. Running is not an option. Hitting him upside the head with a baseball bat might be.
It’s really not something I should joke about. We’ve hit each other before. Yes, we. I’ve taken a swing at him a few times myself. He hits back so it’s really not much fun. The problem is that we both have raging tempers and we seem to enjoy taking it out on each other. Not healthy. Probably another reason I should eliminate him from the picture.
He’s not answering my text messages which means he either really is busy and can’t take time to look, or I’ve pissed him off sufficiently that he’s going to ignore me until I get home. Kind of wish I knew. Not knowing means I’m walking into the viper’s nest when I go home. And I doubt that if he hasn’t looked at them by now that he won’t remember to look when he gets off work, so it’s almost like I shouldn’t have even bothered sending them.
I’ve tried telling him before that I think us talking at all during the day is a bad idea, specifically because of days like today. I get all butt-hurt because he doesn’t do exactly what I think he should and then it fucks up my entire day. If he just didn’t talk to me at all during the day I don’t think I’d get all upset like this. He, however, insists that if he didn’t check on me that things would be worse when we got home. I’m seriously thinking it’s time to try things my way. This shit has got to STOP.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I’m going to go smoke, again. Maybe the extra chemicals will calm me down.
I’m tired. Really fucking tired. I need some good, uninterrupted sleep. Probably not going to get any.
I went home yesterday in a royally foul mood. I was tired and cranky and not in a mood to deal with anyone. We didn’t quite fight, but things were tense. I finally relented and let him cheer me up but I was still exhausted. I didn’t do anything last night. Well, not quite anything. I made dinner and got his lunch ready for today. Then I crashed.
I really need to get some energy back. This morning I almost had to use a cattle prod on myself to get out of bed. It was nice and warm under the covers and I really didn’t want to get up. Fortunately my bladder kicked in and I was forced to get up. I’m still not feeling all the way awake. Anyway, I need to start getting stuff done again. It’s driving me crazy having so many half-started stuff laying around. I was trying to think last night about what I need to get done over the next several days and my mind just kept wandering.
So far right now I’ve got:
all started and in various states of doneness. I need to FINISH all of that and then move on to other things. Better things. More interesting things. Like presents.
I’m still trying to figure out when I’m going to have time to get all of the holiday stuff done. So far I’ve been concentrating on the birthday stuff and trying to get that all out of the way. I think I just need to work on being more efficient with my time management skills. It would help if Josh was capable of taking care of himself just a tiny bit, but since he’s a helpless man, that’s not going to happen.
Maybe I need to do the goals thing again. I kind of abandoned it awhile back and that probably wasn’t a good idea. I don’t know. I’m so fucking wishy-washy these days that it’s pathetic.
I keep getting this feeling that I need to do something grand, large, involved, life affirming… And I have no fucking clue what that would be. Maybe if I just finally finished all of that shit I’d feel better. It’s so hard to say. I need to feel a sense of accomplishment, soon.
The concert is this week. I really wish I was more excited about it. I’m just afraid that Josh is going to bitch the entire time we’re there and ruin it for me. I’m almost positive that he won’t want to stay for the entire show. This is my favorite band of all time, how can I not stay until the end? Maybe I’ll just tell him that I’ll go by myself.
My mood is kind of all over the place right now and I’m not entirely sure what to make of it. I’m tired, but I’d really like to do some things. I can kind of think, but not really in a linear fashion. I’m pretty easily distracted, but if I put some effort into it I can focus for a short amount of time. And I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m in a bad mood, I just don’t feel like I’m in that good of a mood either. I think maybe I’m stuck back in that god-awful neutral place again that frustrates me so much. GAH…
Not sure if anyone noticed, or remembers, but on 4/5 I posted a little poll asking about what y’all want to see as far as the primary content of my blog. Thanks very much to the FOUR people who took the time to respond. Looks like I won’t be changing anything. Apparently, among those who expressed a preference, the variety I provide you with is appealing. I’ll just keep spoon feeding you the same old drivel for another few months when I get the next wild hair up my ass and decide I need to change again.
I’m back at work in my cozy little office trying very hard to forget all of the unpleasantness of the last week. Not doing such a good job, but oh well.
I got the first sock for Josh done and the fucking thing is too tight at the bind off. I’ve chatted with some other knitters and got some suggestions for how to fix it, but for now the sock is in time out. I just don’t have the patience to deal with it right now.
I finished a crocheted shawl for myself and I’m quite pleased with how it looks. It still needs to be blocked, but I’m hoping to get to that tonight. I started another shawl for myself and brought it to work today for the lunch time crafting. The other one only took a week and that was with working on the damn sock, so maybe this one will go quicker. I’m back in a mood where I need to be able to finish things and see some progress.
The kid drove me absolutely crazy this weekend. I am ever so glad that we only have to deal with her a few days a month. Any more than that and I’m sure I’d have to smack her. Hard.
I finally found the picture of me and my dad that I’d been looking for. My mom had it printed and in a frame upstairs. I brought it to work today and scanned it so that hopefully tonight I can print myself a copy.
I’m running on about 4 hours of sleep today and so I’m not doing so well. For some reason I had a really hard time falling asleep last night. I did take my pills a little later than usual, but not that much. Not sure what caused it, just really hoping I get some decent sleep tonight. I slept like shit all weekend.
The mood has been alright I guess. I still seem to have a fair amount of energy and I didn’t get too bitchy with Josh. I was royally pissed off that he blew off our anniversary, but the next day he went shopping on his way home from work and spoiled the hell out of me, so I guess that was ok. I’ve been practicing my DBT skills quite a bit lately and I know that’s been helping. I know for a fact that those skills are the only thing that kept me from kicking his ass out last week.
I really wish I could have a nice, quiet, productive day today with minimal interruptions. Not going to happen. My mom has already called once and Josh is texting me. I don’t really want to talk to either of them. I’m ignoring Josh. We’ll see how long that lasts.
Calgon take me away…
I really just don’t have it in me right now to explain everything that’s been happening. He forgot our anniversary, over compensated to make up for it, drank when he said he wouldn’t, and that fucking kid drove me up the wall. I will be very pleased to go back to work tomorrow. One of the few nice things that happened was that he finally started work on drawing me a rose. He’s not happy with it, and quite frankly I’m sure he can do better. But it’s a first stab so I guess it’s not terrible.
Well, so far I’ve managed to shop and knit a tiny bit. And smoke. Lots of smoking. I can feel the emphysema developing in my lungs.
The visit with shrinky-poo this morning went well. She agreed with me that the “mania” of the last several weeks is not indeed a true mania but rather a normal elevated mood brought on by the return of the sun and nice weather. She said to keep an eye on things and make sure it doesn’t blossom into a full mania, and enjoy it while it lasts. So I set out today to do just that.
I knit on the rat bastard’s socks for awhile, but I’ve since abandoned them. If I’m going to play with yarn today it’s going to be for something for me. Nyah. Anyway, I went out shopping and had a lovely time. I hit a great sale at my favorite clothing store and got a hooded sweater, short sleeved sweater jacket, denim skirt, and a pair of jeans – for $70. Quite the score. Then I went to Trader Joe’s and got a cake for dinner tonight and some treats for the worthless one. After that it was on to the art supply store where I got him a mini robot to draw on and a new set of fine point markers. Why am I spoiling him like this? Fuck if I know.
Anyway, after that I went to Hobby Lobby and got stuff to make some new jewelry to go with the hooded sweater.
I’m pleased with how it all turned out. New jewelry always cheers me up. If the rat bastard behaves himself, the plan is to wear my new outfit when we go to dinner Friday night. Of course that all remains to be seen.
I’ve talked to him THREE TIMES today and he hasn’t mentioned our anniversary during any of those conversations. I’m thinking (hoping?) that he’s got something planned for when he gets home. He fucking well better. If he doesn’t, his ass is OUT. He knows very well how important today is for me so you’d think he’d have been saying shit all day long, but no. For fuck’s sake, the whole reason our anniversary is on his birthday is so that he doesn’t fucking forget!!!