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I feel completely numb from the brain down.

Josh apparently had a really bad day yesterday so he got beer on the way home.  Delightful.  He proceeded to get drunk and really talkative.  It appears he’s depressed again and thinking about suicide.  Not actively, just more the “wish I was dead” kind of thinking.  I tried to comfort him as best I could but I was completely disgusted.  Drinking is NOT the way to solve this problem.

His job is frustrating him again.  He makes barely more than minimum wage and isn’t happy with the management.  Rather than get off his dead ass and try to find another job, he bitches.  I have no patience for this.  When something in my life is making me unhappy I try to figure out what I can do to make it better.  (hence my staying with the asshole – I keep thinking I can get him to become a better man – starting to think this is a losing battle)  Anyway, he just wants to crawl in a fucking bottle and drown his sorrows.  I’ve been telling him again how much the drinking scares me and how much I don’t want to lose him.  He just keeps telling me that everything is fine and he’ll be ok.

Seriously?

So I had a follow up appointment with my psych doc this morning.  She said no more Xanax – it’s too addictive.  She also suggested that I find an AlAnon meeting to go to and see if that doesn’t help with the stress from Josh’s drinking.  And she’s increasing my Geodon.  Gotta try to find time this weekend to go to the pharmacy to get new pills.  She’s really concerned that Josh is dragging me down with him and while she didn’t quite come out and say it, the implication was that I’d really be better off without him.

I’m kind of stuck.  I love him, I think, and I’d like to find a way to make things better.  However, he’s got to be an active participant in making some changes and quite frankly I don’t think he acknowledges the need.  He may tell me that he’s going to change, but he won’t.  He’ll just do like usual and tell me precisely what I want to hear and then go behind my back and do whatever the fuck he wants to anyway.  I’m really pretty sick of it.

Again this morning he told me that he won’t get sick because he’s got this under control.  Yeah, you’re going to drink 4 days in a row and you’ve completely got this under control.  Tell me another one.

I’m really dreading the upcoming trip, so bad that I’m on the verge of cancelling it.  I just know we’re going to fight the whole time we’re there and not only will that not be good for me, but I can’t really imagine what that would do to the kid.  I’m seriously thinking about telling him if he wants to go so fucking bad he can just take her himself.

We’re supposed to have her this weekend and now I’m not sure that’s going to happen either.  I texted the ex this morning to tell her to make sure the kid wears good shoes tomorrow since we’re going to the renaissance faire and she got back and said the brat’s been running a fever for 2 days, they’re going to the doctor this morning.  So now I have no idea what’s going on.  If she’s running a fever I don’t want her.  I’ve got too much stuff to do in the next few weeks to get sick.  Besides, sick kids are crabby kids and I’m not going to deal with that.

I really wish I could have a day to myself again.  Just one would be enough.  A day where I could get up on my own with no fucking rooster alarm clock, take a shower when I wanted to, drink some mocha, knit, listen to the quiet sounds of a sleeping kitty, and not have to do anything for anyone else all day.  Wouldn’t that be lovely?