Thank ceiling cat for Xanax. I have no doubt that I would not have made it this far through this day without it. I really need to figure out how to get shrinky-poo to give me a real Rx for it.
He’s been talking all day, saying how he didn’t mean that she was better than me, how I’m the best, how he gives me better treatment than he’s ever given anyone else… Etc Etc Ad Nauseum. I don’t believe a single fucking word of it. But supposedly we’ve put all of this past us now and everything is FINE.
Yeah, you want to see FINE asshole, why don’t you wait until we get home, eh?
He’s told me several times that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and that he thinks I’m worth fighting for. I wonder if he’ll still feel that way after I get done with him tonight.
The only decent thing that’s happened today is that I’ve been able to keep my proverbial shit pretty well together. I’ve been very polite to him. I’ve refrained from coming out and calling him a liar. And the wicked borderline episode that was right under the surface this morning has almost entirely subsided. I’m still very warm in the face and I’d just as soon smack the sonofabitch when I see him as actually have to speak to him. Hey, I’m not perfect. But I haven’t said anything terribly shitty today and I’ve been very careful with my word choices. When he gives me one of his lines about how awesome I am I’m careful to respond with “that’s very sweet of you to say” to which he always comes back with some declaration of the truth behind the statement. Seriously? Fuck you. I’m to the point right now where if he told me the sky was blue I’d have to go out and check for myself.
He’s lying – either to me or to Jason. I don’t so much care anymore which it is. He’s a fucking liar and I don’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth. And yes, that includes his declarations of love for me. Seriously? You love me and you’re going to talk to your friends about me like that? I don’t fucking think so.
I still haven’t figured out what, if anything, I’m going to do tonight. I’ve considered going home and just telling him to get his shit and get the fuck out. I’ve considered playing as though nothing has happened and see if he tries to kiss my ass. I’ve considered slicing his dick off with a sharp knife. I’ve also considered just flat out ignoring him, giving him the silent treatment. That’s kind of what I’m doing right now. After his lunch break he said something about talking to me at his next break, which I took to mean that he was going to actually work again and didn’t want to be disturbed. So I told him I’d be turning off my phone so as not to be tempted to text him anymore and bother him. He’s sent several minor messages since then which I have completely ignored. He’ll be going on break in a few minutes and I’m just kind of waiting to see what happens.
I’m so tired of all this. This bullshit seems like high school stuff, not the kind of crap that should be taking place between grown adults. I don’t lie to him, why should he lie to me? Can’t we be grown up enough to be honest with each other? I say all kinds of nice things to him, but I’m not lying when I say them. That’s why I don’t say nasty things to him hardly ever – I don’t really mean them so why should I say them? That’s half the point of having this blog – so I have a place to vent and get the terrible things out of my head so that they don’t have to come out of my mouth and hurt him. I realize he never intended for me to see the conversation with Jason, but seriously? Even when I vent here about what an asshole he is I don’t pick on him. I say things that are true – like he’s uncommunicative and a fucking drunk. Both very true.
My mind just keeps going back to ways I could punish him, make him feel even part of the hurt that I feel. I just don’t know how I’d do that right now. I’m kind of hoping not texting him will accomplish a little of that, but it doesn’t seem like enough. I need to hit him where it hurts. The problem is, once I do that, I can’t go back. All of the nasty things I can think of to say would be very personal attacks and would probably wound him more than I intend. He needs a good spanking, not a beheading. And most of the things I can think of would wound him in a way that would actually come back to bite me on the ass, so that’s no good. There’s got to be something I can do…