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I’m very lavish with my praise to Josh.  May not seem like it here, but I butter that man up every single day.  I tell him what an awesome husband he is, what a great lover he is, how much I appreciate everything he does for me.  And now this…

I fell asleep early again last night, like before 8.  So this morning I woke up before his alarm went off at 4:30.  I got up and had a smoke and tried to decide what to do next.  When I went back inside his alarm clock was going off.  I thought I’d be nice and put it on snooze for him.  When I did that, the last text conversation he was having showed up.  It was between him and his friend Jason.  I don’t like Jason.  So I decided to peek.  I REALLY shouldn’t have.  They were discussing women and sex.  I was mentioned of course, but what he said was that I was better than all of his other women EXCEPT the one that came right before me.  Apparently she gave the best blow jobs ever.

I suppose this shouldn’t be a big deal except for the fact that he’s been telling me that I’m the best.  And now it appears that I’m not.  And that makes me start questioning EVERYTHING all over again.

I guess what it comes down to is that I just can’t fucking trust him and that really hurts.  I give this man everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, he asks for and a lot of things he doesn’t ask for.  I don’t know what more I could do for him.

I’m crushed, just fucking crushed.  And apparently it’s my fault for looking at his phone.  Nevermind the fact that when we first setup his phone we had to put my email account on it and for a couple of weeks he was reading all of my email – including the comments coming from here.  Yeah, let’s just conveniently forget about that, shall we?

I took a Xanax when I got here, I’m really hoping it kicks in soon.  I’ve got stuff to do today.

How in the name of all that is holy do I get a decent day for a change?  All it’s been lately is drama on top of drama on top of more drama.  We don’t seem capable of having a good day together during the week anymore.  I’m fucking sick of it.

I know I’m not the best partner, I’ve got faults like none other.  But I try, I really do.  When I’m feeling good I try to be as over the top lovey to him as I’m capable of.  I realize that when I’m feeling bad I probably give him way more grief than he deserves, but didn’t we vow to love each other in good times and BAD?

I’m trying to stay rational about this.  Guys talk shit about girls all the time, and they like to brag about their conquests.  Part of what he was saying to Jason was complimentary.  But I re-read that shit at least a dozen times to make sure I wasn’t overreacting, and I’m pretty sure I know what I saw.  And of course he’s busy at work today so he isn’t able to text me back like he usually would be able to, which is going to mean this will drag out all fucking day.

Honestly, if I hadn’t seen the word “blow job” on the screen I wouldn’t have paid it any attention.  But some words like that just kind of jump out and grab your eyes and demand immediate attention.

I really don’t want to have a melt down today, but I can feel it coming.  The tears are right below the surface right now.  How could he do this to me?  After everything I’ve done for him and all the nice things I always say about him?

The really fucking sick part is now I’m questioning whether or not he really loves me, or if those have just been more empty words.