the things I do for love

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alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, family, knitting, life, love, meds, mental illness, sleep, work

Sorry kids, it was a long weekend that turned into a longer weekend that turned into 4 days from hell.

We got up Friday morning and went and did the doctor thing.  That wasn’t too bad – Josh got an Rx for Ambien and we both got told to exercise more.  Josh is also going to need to have an upper GI done.  Shouldn’t be a big deal it’s just that they can’t figure out why his stomach is still giving him so much trouble.  Anyway, my mom had my nieces at the house all day Friday so Josh and I didn’t get any time to ourselves at all.  My sister and her husband ended up coming over for dinner to celebrate H’s birthday.  The food was good, the company not so much.

Saturday morning I got up to a text from Josh’s step mom asking about us going over for dinner.  I woke him up and we got all that planned.  We tried to have sex in the morning and for the first time in nearly 9 months he couldn’t do it.  I was heartbroken.  We went and ran some errands and when we came back home we tried again and it finally worked.  We went and had dinner and actually didn’t have a bad time.  We would have stayed later but Josh wanted to hurry home so he could drink.

Sunday morning I tried getting him up and it was just a nightmare.  He actually yelled at me to get the fuck away from him and leave him alone.  So I did.  When he finally got up we had a discussion and sort of got things straightened out.  I thought everything was fine when I went to bed, but I woke up at 11:30 to find him gone again.  I went upstairs and he was drinking whiskey in the kitchen.  I didn’t say anything, just went to the bathroom and went back down to bed.  He came down and fell and then slept for awhile on the floor.  I started having nightmares.  By 1am I was awake for good.

I laid in bed and just tried my hardest not to fall back asleep.  When it was time to get up I started getting myself ready.  I couldn’t budge him.  At 6 he finally got up and said he wasn’t going to work.  I flipped out and called in myself.  I’d had maybe 3 hours of sleep and I knew the big fight was coming.  We started yelling at each other and did that for a good 2 hours.  We sort of got things worked out and then laid down to rest.  Then the fighting started again.  I finally told him about all of the trouble I’ve been having and how hard things have been lately.  He finally told me that he’s been hiding the drinking from me for months.  More yelling.  I tried getting through to him that this is just killing me and that I really wanted to kill myself but all he kept doing was playing with the computer.

I finally got a razor blade and cut my arm.  The blood got his attention.  I spent almost the entire day crying and wishing I was dead.

I finally went to my appointment with the shrink in the afternoon and she wrote me an Rx for Clonidine to help stop the nightmares and make me sleep a little better.  I took 100mg of Geodon and the Clonidine last night and still didn’t sleep very good.  I’m guessing at this point it’s because I spent so much time laying down yesterday.  I just hope tonight is better.

He keeps telling me that no one else has ever been able to get him to cut back his drinking before.  He says that every time someone else has tried to get him to cut back he just drinks more.  I don’t know, it’s just not right.  And now that he has the Ambien he shouldn’t ever be drinking to get to sleep.  He admits that that was a choice he made Sunday night and that it wasn’t the right choice.  He apologized and said that he’s been hiding it from me because he didn’t want to hurt me or make me worry.  I told him that this is why I haven’t been telling him how bad my brain has been.

I don’t know, it just seems like every time I think we’ve made some progress something like this happens and we start all over again.  I’m sick and tired of all the fighting and the lying.  I really just want him to go away for awhile so I can think.

On the upside, I did get the closet completely cleaned out and reorganized, including Josh’s section of clothes, I got all of the chores done, and I made some progress on the sock.  I finally got the heel turned and weighed the yarn that was left and it looks like I will have enough to finish afterall.  I just didn’t really feel like I had a whole lot of time to be able to spend with it.  Too much drama.

When I talked to shrinky-poo yesterday she said to go ahead and keep taking the 100mg of Geodon since I’ve slowed down enough.  I asked her if she thought I’d still crash and she said no.  She thinks that since we got it slowed down appropriately that I should be ok.  I do still feel like I have a decent amount of energy when I’m able to get some sleep and my brain isn’t racing anymore.  I just need to figure out how to get good sleep on a regular basis.

Since both she and the regular doc mentioned exercise I think I’m going to try to start walking in the evenings after dinner.  I wasn’t able to last night since I had to run to the pharmacy, but tonight it shouldn’t be a problem.  I asked her about doing it after dinner because I really don’t want to give up any of the time Josh and I spend together after work and she thinks that should be ok.  It’s not like I’m going to be doing real hard physical activity.  It should help me bring some of my numbers down and make me sleep better.

I’m really wishing there was some way I could have come in to work yesterday.  I don’t really feel like Josh and I got anything monumental worked out and now I have a fuck load of stuff to do and almost no time to do it in.  My anxiety is starting to go through the roof again.

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better living through chemistry

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bipolar disorder, family, knitting, life, love, meds, mental illness, motivation, sleep

So apparently I shouldn’t fuck around with my pills on my own.  Who knew?

I was pretty slow yesterday, and it really pissed me off.  I got home and had another fight with Josh.  He decided that I haven’t been getting enough sex lately and that that’s what’s been causing me some of the problems.  So we did, and I actually did feel a little better.  I guess my brain is addicted to the chemicals that get released with orgasms.  At least it’s a cheap and easy fix.

So we got everything worked out and I managed to get a few things done last night which in turn made me feel even better.  I figured since I’d slept pretty well the night before that maybe a little less Geodon would be even better.  I took 80mg.  Big mistake.  I slept terrible and now this morning I feel pretty well wiped.  I did manage to get the required morning things done and get to work on time, but now I’m wondering what all I’ll be able to accomplish here.  I’ll go back to 100mg tonight for sure.

I’ve kind of decided that even if I don’t have the energy to really want to do things, I’m still able to push myself to get them done.  This morning before I left the house I cleaned up the basement, put away the rest of the dinner dishes from last night, and started a load of laundry.  Not bad for being pretty tired.  I’m just hoping that this weekend I can keep doing that and get everything done.

Josh managed to get registered for classes yesterday afternoon.  He’s taking English and math and will be gone 3 nights a week.  I’m not entirely thrilled by this, but I know it needs to happen.  I’m kind of figuring this will give me extra time to knit and craft.  And he doesn’t start until 6 so I’ll still have a few minutes to spend with him in the afternoon before he has to leave.  I’m actually really proud of him for doing this – it means he does have some ambition and that he really wants to make life better for us.

Tonight my niece is coming over again and I’m not really looking forward to it.  She’s a great little kid and I love her, but she’s got so much energy and I’m just not sure I can cope with that tonight.  Plus I’m sure she’s going to want to do some kind of craft project and I just don’t know if I’m up for that.

My uncle’s sock is turning out to be a nightmare.  I checked with some other knitters and found out that this yarn is just about the very worst that you can use for socks.  It won’t wear well, requires special attention for washing, and it appears that I won’t even have enough with what I ordered.  This is why I haven’t posted any pictures yet – I hate it.  I’m planning to keep working this first one to see how far I get, but I’m not really hopeful that it’ll be a success.

The mood is alright I guess.  I’m kind of tired, but like I said, I’m pushing myself to keep moving.  I’m really not in the mood to deal with Josh so I told him I’m busy.  His break is coming up in a few minutes and I’m not sure if he’ll keep quite or try to talk to me then.  Not sure which I’d prefer to be honest.

speedy gonzales doesn’t work here anymore

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bipolar disorder, hypomania, life, love, mental illness, work

*sigh*

I think my hypomania is leaving me.  I’ve managed to get a few things done today, but nothing like even yesterday.  And I picked a fight with Josh at lunch time for no good reason.  I’m way too slow and it fucking sucks.

I have been thinking about some little things I’d like to do when I get home, just not sure I’ll have the energy to do them.  I’m wondering now if I’ll be able to accomplish my weekend list, or if I’m going to turn into a slug before then and not get anything done.  I suppose that’s not entirely fair – I’ll still get stuff done, just not as much or as fast.  I’m trying to figure out what I can try to get done tonight while I maybe still have a little left in me.

The mood is, remarkably, not too bad.  After Josh and I got things straightened out I seemed to feel better.  And then the system administrators came and told me that my name change got approved and they did the switch this afternoon.  I’ve been going by my previous married name at work because I haven’t legally changed my name with the Social Security Administration yet.  The email guys finally put a thing in place where you can change your email identity without having a legal name change.  This is awesome for me because for the entire 11 years I’ve been here I’ve been known by that name.  Now I’ll be known by both.  Not hyphenated.  Just three names – Erin K*** R****.  This makes me happy.

feeling a little of this right now…

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bipolar disorder, music

cocktail hour at chez mama

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bipolar disorder, hypomania, knitting, life, love, meds, mental illness, motivation, sleep

The speeding up/slowing down thing pretty well came to a halt after dinner.  At that point I slowed down to where I pretty well just stopped.  Thankfully I was able to get the requisite evening chores accomplished and my shelf hung up.  But I didn’t knit at all and that kind of bummed me out.

I decided to go ahead and take only 100mg of Geodon and I’m glad I did.  I slept well last night and I woke up feeling better.  I was a little slow getting started, but I also started about 30 minutes earlier since I needed to make sure Josh was out the door in time.  But I got all of my regular morning stuff done plus a few extra bits.  I feel like my energy is slowly picking up and I’m feeling fairly certain that I’ll top out where I should.

In many ways yesterday was perfect.  Josh and I got along all day, I had enough energy to get the things I needed to done, and I slept quite well.  If I could figure out how to clone that day and make it happen every day, I’d be a very happy Mama indeed.  But, as Josh pointed out last night, no one can safely stay hypomanic forever.  I am disturbingly aware of the fact that this episode will come to an end, and probably soon.  I just want to do everything I can to minimize a crash at the end of it.  And I’m trying to make the most of the energy I have now because I know that this will be the first thing to go.

I’m really hoping this lasts through the weekend.  I’ve got just a few more big things I’d like to get accomplished before I turn into a slug again.  My closet is getting kind of messy again and I’d really like to get it cleaned out and organized.  That’s where I keep all of the craft supplies and lately we haven’t been doing such a good job of putting things back when we’re done.  Plus I’d like to label stuff so I don’t have to rifle through boxes to find what I’m looking for.  Mom has said she’ll help me with this.  I think if I can get that done this weekend I’ll feel pretty good.

normal?

Tags

bipolar disorder, hypomania, normal

I have finally sped up a little, but not dangerously so.  I’ve had periods this morning where I’ve gotten back up to about 70 but it only seems to last for a short bit and then I slow down again.  I’m really honestly starting to wonder if this might not be considered “normal.”

I really doubt that anyone has sustained energy all throughout the day.  I mean, really.  So maybe this speeding up/slowing down thing is good for me.  It’s kept me from going too far overboard.  And I haven’t slowed down so much that I couldn’t do things.

Hell, who knows at this point.  I’m just going to try to ride it out.

I can’t drive 55

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bipolar disorder, hypomania, life, love, meds, mental illness, motivation, sleep

My shrink has this really interesting way of discussing brain speed as it relates to mood.  She says that your average person’s brain goes about 55mph when they’re healthy.  When someone is depressed it slows down.  When it gets to around 35mph is when you need to worry.  If a person is getting manic, the brain speeds up.  When the speed approaches 75mph you need to worry.  When I saw her last Thursday my brain was going about 130mph – dangerous indeed.  She told me that she wanted me slowed down to around 70 by yesterday.  I don’t like going much slower than 70 ever, so I figured I’d give it another day or two with the 120mg of Geodon and see how it went.  This morning I had a kind of hard time waking up and now I’d say I’m only going about 55.

I can’t cope with 55.

So here’s the dilemma – do I stay at 120mg of Geodon until I see her next Monday and just try to deal with being “slow” or do I adjust my own meds back to 100mg and see if I pick up just a little more speed?

I’m very honestly torn.  I don’t like the idea of being slow, but I don’t want to fuck something up drastically either.  If she was actually in the office this week and I could talk to her I’d feel better.  But she’s on vacation and the best I’ll get is one of her partners – none of which really know me or my situation well enough to make a completely informed decision.

And then too there’s the fact that I’m not sure if maybe I’m just going to start the day a little slow and pick up speed as I go.  I’ve only been awake since 6 so I don’t know if maybe I’m just going to need to gradually ease into my day.

I guess it doesn’t really matter too much right this minute as I won’t be taking another dose until this evening anyway.

The mood has been doing interesting things.  I got into a few small fights with Josh yesterday, possibly because of going too fast.  We worked them out very well and everything was fine, I just don’t like the idea of fighting at all.  I do have to say that overall I’ve been fairly cheerful through this whole ordeal.  I’ve even been funnier than usual, which I very much enjoy.

Last night at home I was cruising along getting things done again.  I made lunches and my morning mocha, cleaned out the drawers in the bathroom, ran a load of laundry and got it put away, and knit for a little while.  I wanted to start tearing the closet apart, but Josh talked me out of it.  I’m actually really glad he did – I wouldn’t have had enough energy to finish it and leaving that stuff strung out all over the place would have made me crazy.  I did put it on the list for this weekend though.

I’m beginning to wonder if starting my weekend to do list early is not necessarily a good idea.  It’s blossomed.  Spectacularly.  Given that I have an extra day it might not be too bad, I’m just not sure yet.  Some of the things I want to try to get done during the week – like Josh’s financial aid stuff and getting him registered for classes.  And I’m sure some of it I’ll end up doing early just because it’s easy – like hanging a small shelf in the bathroom.  I just kind of figure that I should try to get as much stuff done as possible while I do still have the energy so that when it finally fades I’m ahead of the game.

under control?

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bipolar disorder, family, hypomania, knitting, life, love, meds, mental illness, money, motivation, sleep

Wow, what a weekend…

Saturday I managed to get the yarn for the socks split and Mom and I spent some time working on untangling the yarn before I had to get Josh up.  I woke him up and got him out the door for his tests and then Mom and I started running errands.  We went to Sam’s and stocked up on supplies.  When we were done there we went home and Josh was back so he helped us unload.  Our next stop was Olive Garden for lunch.  Yum!  Then it was over to my office real quick to drop off some of the supplies we’d bought, then over to Trader Joe’s, then to the regular grocery store.  We made a quick stop at home and then it was off to the mall to get Mom a new purse for a trip she’s taking later this summer.  Oh, we also went to Hobby Lobby and got some more craft supplies.  After that it was out to one of the local Mexican restaurants for dinner and margaritas.  I got a little bit loaded.

Sunday morning I managed to sleep until almost 6:30.  I figured I’d have some time to get the sock started before Josh woke up, but when I rolled over and said good morning to him, he was already awake.  We got showered and dressed and went to the lab to have the blood drawn for our physicals this week.  After that we headed to Panera for breakfast.  Finally it was time to relax.

I did get the sock started finally and I have to say – I HATE this yarn for socks.  It’s beautiful, it’s soft, it’s going to make a great sock…  But it’s a single ply and it splits like crazy.  Anyway, not sure now if I’ll be able to get the pair done in time to send next week or not, but I’m still going to try.

It was a very busy weekend, but a very productive one.  I got everything on the list done except Josh’s financial aid.  I realized we need to print copies of our tax returns and I couldn’t get the printer at home to cooperate, so I mailed myself copies and I’m going to do it here.  It shouldn’t take too long once I have all of the numbers we need.

I’m really proud of Josh and I – we were really pretty good when it came to money this weekend.  We took Mom out for lunch on Saturday to help pay her back for the stuff she got us at Sam’s, we took ourselves for breakfast on Sunday, got some stuff at the grocery store, a few things at Hobby Lobby, and a few more at Michael’s.  We did really good not going overboard with the spending this weekend.

The mood held pretty steady the whole time.  Josh commented that we should make a person sized gerbil wheel and hook it up to a generator so that I could run on it and sell electricity back to the grid.  I do still have a ridiculous amount of energy, but I don’t feel like my brain is just racing like it had been.  Shrinky-poo told me to call today if I didn’t feel like I’d achieved significant slow down, but I’m going to give it just a few more days.  I’d like to see if there’s a way I can level myself out a little faster than she’d originally said.  I talked to Josh about it and he agreed to let me have a few more days.  I feel much more in control of what’s going on now than I did last week, so I figure that’s got to count for something.

Mom even commented this weekend that she enjoys having me this way.  I wake up with energy, I get things done, I’m mostly pleasant…  If I could figure out how to stay hypomanic all the time I really would.  What I’m not looking forward to is the almost inevitable crash that’s going to come at the end of this.  And with coming into our busy season at work, I’m guessing if it does happen it’ll be at the very worst time possible.

who needs sleep?

Tags

bipolar disorder, hypomania, knitting, life, love, meds, mental illness, sleep

Apparently not me.

I laid down last night around 9.  Josh was already good and drunk by then and totally fighting going to bed.  So I left him playing with the computer.  Around 10:30 I woke up alone.  He had gone upstairs for the bathroom.  I took a quick trip to the other one and then came back down to sleep again.  He was all over me, elbows in my back, trying to talk to me…  I ignored him and tried to go back to sleep.  I woke up again at 4 because I had to pee again.  And then of course I couldn’t fall back asleep.  So here it is, not even 5:15 on a Saturday morning, and I am WIDE AWAKE.

I guess this shouldn’t surprise me too much.  I almost never manage to sleep in on the weekends.  My body seems to prefer to sleep late on week days when I’m really supposed to be getting up and going to work.  On the weekends when I have all kinds of extra time, my body wants to be up and moving as early as possible.  It’s entirely fucked up, but it is what it is.

I plan to make the most of my time, as usual.  I’ve got the scale with me and I’m going to start splitting my uncle’s yarn in a minute.  Yesterday I got damn near all of the chores done – all that’s left is dusting and Josh kind of started that for me.  The remainder of the to do list looks like this:

• dust
• finish untangling a ball of yarn
• start my uncle’s sock
• get Josh to apply for financial aid for school
• and run to the grocery store

Very manageable I think.  About the only thing I can really do right now is the sock, given that everyone else is asleep.  I suppose I could run to the store, but I’m not exactly in the mood to get dressed yet.

I just keep thinking that if I could find a way to really physically exhaust myself I’d sleep and sleep good.  I might actually try getting on the treadmill today and see if a nice 30 minute walk helps.  I’m just starting to run out of non-drug related options.  I know there’s plenty of wiggle room yet with the Geodon, I just really would like to figure out how to find a way to combat this without a lot of extra meds.

checking in

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, mental illness

I taught this morning and it went really well.  I think I maybe talked a little too fast, but not obnoxiously fast.  There were the requisite technical blips, but nothing I couldn’t handle.  In all I’d say it was a success.

I talked to my boss this morning and she said she’s really proud of me for recognizing that there was a problem and then asking for help.  She says this is huge for me, which I suppose is true.  I hate asking for help, with anything.  So, I asked her for some more help – I asked for the afternoon off.  She was more than happy to let me have it, provided I didn’t tell Josh.  She knew that I needed some time to myself and she wanted to make sure I got it.

And I am.  And I’m happy.

So far I’ve managed to vacuum our area, run 2 loads of laundry, reorganize 2 of my knitting bags and put a slew of supplies back in their proper place, figured out how to cat-proof my knitting area, made lunch, made a mocha (hey, it’s before dinner, I can have one!), wound 6 partial balls of sock yarn up, and did the math so I can start my uncle’s socks tonight.  I’d start them now but my mom loaned our kitchen scale to my sister and since his yarn is all in one ball I have to wait for her to bring that home so I can split the yarn.  No worries, there’s plenty to keep me busy.

But I’m supposed to be resting…?  No, I’m supposed to be relaxing and right now doing stuff is very relaxing for me.  Besides, if I can get all of the to do list that doesn’t require anyone’s help done today, then I have TWO WHOLE DAYS to fuck off.

YIPPEE!!!

I leave you with some yarn porn…

sock yarn… yummy…

That is 3 pairs of socks for Mom, 4 pairs for Josh, and 6 pairs for me.  Guess I’d better get to knitting!