alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, family, knitting, life, love, meds, mental illness, sleep, work
Sorry kids, it was a long weekend that turned into a longer weekend that turned into 4 days from hell.
We got up Friday morning and went and did the doctor thing. That wasn’t too bad – Josh got an Rx for Ambien and we both got told to exercise more. Josh is also going to need to have an upper GI done. Shouldn’t be a big deal it’s just that they can’t figure out why his stomach is still giving him so much trouble. Anyway, my mom had my nieces at the house all day Friday so Josh and I didn’t get any time to ourselves at all. My sister and her husband ended up coming over for dinner to celebrate H’s birthday. The food was good, the company not so much.
Saturday morning I got up to a text from Josh’s step mom asking about us going over for dinner. I woke him up and we got all that planned. We tried to have sex in the morning and for the first time in nearly 9 months he couldn’t do it. I was heartbroken. We went and ran some errands and when we came back home we tried again and it finally worked. We went and had dinner and actually didn’t have a bad time. We would have stayed later but Josh wanted to hurry home so he could drink.
Sunday morning I tried getting him up and it was just a nightmare. He actually yelled at me to get the fuck away from him and leave him alone. So I did. When he finally got up we had a discussion and sort of got things straightened out. I thought everything was fine when I went to bed, but I woke up at 11:30 to find him gone again. I went upstairs and he was drinking whiskey in the kitchen. I didn’t say anything, just went to the bathroom and went back down to bed. He came down and fell and then slept for awhile on the floor. I started having nightmares. By 1am I was awake for good.
I laid in bed and just tried my hardest not to fall back asleep. When it was time to get up I started getting myself ready. I couldn’t budge him. At 6 he finally got up and said he wasn’t going to work. I flipped out and called in myself. I’d had maybe 3 hours of sleep and I knew the big fight was coming. We started yelling at each other and did that for a good 2 hours. We sort of got things worked out and then laid down to rest. Then the fighting started again. I finally told him about all of the trouble I’ve been having and how hard things have been lately. He finally told me that he’s been hiding the drinking from me for months. More yelling. I tried getting through to him that this is just killing me and that I really wanted to kill myself but all he kept doing was playing with the computer.
I finally got a razor blade and cut my arm. The blood got his attention. I spent almost the entire day crying and wishing I was dead.
I finally went to my appointment with the shrink in the afternoon and she wrote me an Rx for Clonidine to help stop the nightmares and make me sleep a little better. I took 100mg of Geodon and the Clonidine last night and still didn’t sleep very good. I’m guessing at this point it’s because I spent so much time laying down yesterday. I just hope tonight is better.
He keeps telling me that no one else has ever been able to get him to cut back his drinking before. He says that every time someone else has tried to get him to cut back he just drinks more. I don’t know, it’s just not right. And now that he has the Ambien he shouldn’t ever be drinking to get to sleep. He admits that that was a choice he made Sunday night and that it wasn’t the right choice. He apologized and said that he’s been hiding it from me because he didn’t want to hurt me or make me worry. I told him that this is why I haven’t been telling him how bad my brain has been.
I don’t know, it just seems like every time I think we’ve made some progress something like this happens and we start all over again. I’m sick and tired of all the fighting and the lying. I really just want him to go away for awhile so I can think.
On the upside, I did get the closet completely cleaned out and reorganized, including Josh’s section of clothes, I got all of the chores done, and I made some progress on the sock. I finally got the heel turned and weighed the yarn that was left and it looks like I will have enough to finish afterall. I just didn’t really feel like I had a whole lot of time to be able to spend with it. Too much drama.
When I talked to shrinky-poo yesterday she said to go ahead and keep taking the 100mg of Geodon since I’ve slowed down enough. I asked her if she thought I’d still crash and she said no. She thinks that since we got it slowed down appropriately that I should be ok. I do still feel like I have a decent amount of energy when I’m able to get some sleep and my brain isn’t racing anymore. I just need to figure out how to get good sleep on a regular basis.
Since both she and the regular doc mentioned exercise I think I’m going to try to start walking in the evenings after dinner. I wasn’t able to last night since I had to run to the pharmacy, but tonight it shouldn’t be a problem. I asked her about doing it after dinner because I really don’t want to give up any of the time Josh and I spend together after work and she thinks that should be ok. It’s not like I’m going to be doing real hard physical activity. It should help me bring some of my numbers down and make me sleep better.
I’m really wishing there was some way I could have come in to work yesterday. I don’t really feel like Josh and I got anything monumental worked out and now I have a fuck load of stuff to do and almost no time to do it in. My anxiety is starting to go through the roof again.
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