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I know I’ve mentioned before that Josh is a big fat fucking liar.  It is literally so bad anymore that I don’t believe ANYTHING he says.  This includes every time he claims to love me.  Seriously?  You love me and you’re going to treat me like this?  I don’t think so.

At lunch when I talked to him I ignored him telling me he loves me.  I do this fairly regularly anymore and most of the time he misses it.  Not today.  So he just kept repeating himself until I said it back.  After he hung up I texted him and told him he needs to stop saying it because I don’t believe it.  Now he’s pissed.  I don’t give a shit.

I just can’t deal with this bullshit anymore.  He’s only ever good to me when he wants something or when he thinks he needs to make up for something.  I’m good to him all the time.

I realize that marriage is about give and take.  Sometimes one person is having a rough time and needs more love and support from the other.  Sometimes it switches and the other person needs more.  But both people should be trying to give as much as they can as often as they can, right?  I mean seriously, it’s about showing your love on a daily basis, not just saying some words when you want something.  Seems like it’s always been that I do the giving and he does the taking.  It’s completely unbalanced and it’s quite frankly wearing me out.

*****

I managed to get my testing done this morning.  This is good.  I feel kind of productive now, which may help me do something else today, I’m just not sure yet.  I’ve got plenty of things I could be doing, just nothing I really want to be doing.  And that kind of sucks.

The mood is still fairly neutral, maybe a little on the low side.  I’m just really fucking tired anymore.  Seems like no matter how much sleep I get I just don’t have much energy.  I’m feeling fairly certain that I’m going into a depressive phase.  I don’t have too much longer before I go see my shrink again, so I’m hoping I can just hold out until then.  Besides, I really don’t think there’s much, if anything, she can do for me right now.  This is most likely situational depression, not chemical.