I had thought the ick was over, but apparently I was mistaken.
Josh and I usually let each other know when we’ve made it to work in the morning. It started with me asking him to let me know because he’s usually half asleep when he leaves the house and I’m always afraid he’ll have a car accident on the way. A month or so ago he started asking me if I’d made it to work because I was having so much trouble sleeping that he was afraid I’d oversleep. So now he sends a text and I send a text. Sometimes I acknowledge his before I leave for work, sometimes not until I get to my office. Usually he replies to my message with a kiss or something else inane. This morning he said “awesome honey.” My brain is reading that as “wow, you made it work all by yourself – that’s quite the accomplishment for someone as defective as you.”
I really had no intention of starting shit with him this morning. I’m too tired to deal with him on a polite level, I really don’t have it in me to deal with a fight. But it looks like I’ve started one, again.
I realize that I’m not like other people. I have 2 mental illnesses that make every day life anything but “every day.” It’s a struggle to get enough motivation to get out of bed and get myself ready for work. I know this. I just don’t really want anyone else to know this.
I hate being mental. It colors every aspect of my life. Things that “normal” people can take for granted are sometimes huge ordeals for me. And so some days it really is an accomplishment to get myself up and dressed and into the office. But please, PLEASE, don’t pat me on the back for doing something any adult should be able to do. It makes me feel completely inferior.
The weekend was different. Josh and the brat pretty well kept to themselves and I did my own thing. I managed to get almost the entire list done, just couldn’t find the motivation to finish the sock. But I did get the desk done, so that was good. We found out yesterday that we’ll get a break from the brat. She’s going to some kind of church camp the next weekend we’d have her so we get to basically skip a visit. The ex offered her next weekend, but I had Josh tell her we already had plans. That was probably the best thing to come out of the weekend.
The mood is kind of icky. My sleep is still kind of off and that’s causing problems again. I’m guessing it’s just stress. I don’t really ever get a chance to unwind anymore and I really think it’s getting to me. I’ve scheduled myself a long weekend next week, but I’m pretty sure Josh is going to find out and want to take the day off with me. Just what I need, an extra day with him…