Yesterday didn’t get better until after I got home. Awhile after I got home. We continued to fight and say nasty things to each other and I had pretty well given up any hope of having a decent evening. After about an hour we got to the point where we could actually talk and I told him that I wake up every morning hating him. I didn’t even realize it until I said it, but it makes a lot of sense. I wake up just knowing that he’s going to do or say something to hurt me so I harbor intense feelings of hatred for him until he proves me right. The hate goes on until we finally see each other after work most days. It’s really kind of terrible.
So he’s talking about how to make the mornings better and what we can do to start the day off right. I tried texting him back this morning as soon as he told me he’d gotten to work. I told him that I love him. He told me to be good today. I told him I’d try. When I got to work I checked in like usual. He told me he’d text me later.
So I’ve been dismissed, as per usual, and now I really don’t care if I ever speak to him again.
I’m really pretty disappointed in myself. I haven’t made hardly any progress with my knitting lately. I made another washcloth this weekend but I haven’t sewed it together or woven in the ends yet. I also haven’t finished the sock. It really probably only needs another 2 hours or so of time, I just haven’t been able to pull that off. I only worked on it for a few minutes at lunch yesterday and then not at all last night. It should be done by now.
I just don’t seem to have much motivation anywhere right now and it’s really frustrating me. I know it’s from all the stress with Josh. I can’t ever get any time to relax and if I can’t relax I can’t really do anything. And as I figured, he overheard me telling Mom about having next Friday off work so he put in for the day off as well yesterday. So much for my mental health holiday.
I’m starting to wonder if part of my problem lately isn’t from my meds. My moods will kind of stabilize, but they don’t stay that way for very long. I wonder if it’s time to increase my lithium again. I hate to think we’ll have to add something else to the mix, but I suppose it might come down to that.
I just don’t really feel like I’m in control anymore, the emotions always seem to be. Even when I know what the right thing to do or say is, I can’t seem to pull it off. I can do it with the people I work with – I’m the consummate actor here at work. It just feels like I really shouldn’t have to do that with Josh and yet, when I let my emotions take over, a big ass train wreck ensues.
I don’t know how he puts up with me. It really does seem like nothing he does is ever the right thing. I always assume there’s some ulterior motive for everything he does. I can’t accept that he might be being nice to me just because he wants to or because I deserve to be treated nice. I always assume it’s because he wants something or is trying to make up for something rotten he’s done.
Of course I never feel like I can do or say the right thing when it comes to him either. I always pick at the things I know will irritate him or say things I know will hurt his feelings. I’m wondering if this isn’t the borderline at work – I want to be able to hurt him before he has a chance to hurt me. I haven’t had a borderline episode in awhile now, at least I don’t think I have. I’ve definitely gotten mad, I just don’t think the full on rage I usually get with an episode has come out lately.
I really don’t know what to do about this morning, so I’m ignoring it. It’s not like I have anything to say to him anyway, I just don’t like being dismissed like that, and he knows it. Part of me wants to just turn the damn phone off and ignore him all day. But I know I’d have to deal with serious hell when I got home if I did that. Part of me wants to go over the top lovey on him and butter him up so that when I get home I can be mean. The rational part of me is saying to just ignore this and pretend like everything is fine, and if I pretend long enough and convincingly enough, it really will be fine. I’m just not sure what I’ll actually end up doing.