My shrink has this really interesting way of discussing brain speed as it relates to mood. She says that your average person’s brain goes about 55mph when they’re healthy. When someone is depressed it slows down. When it gets to around 35mph is when you need to worry. If a person is getting manic, the brain speeds up. When the speed approaches 75mph you need to worry. When I saw her last Thursday my brain was going about 130mph – dangerous indeed. She told me that she wanted me slowed down to around 70 by yesterday. I don’t like going much slower than 70 ever, so I figured I’d give it another day or two with the 120mg of Geodon and see how it went. This morning I had a kind of hard time waking up and now I’d say I’m only going about 55.
I can’t cope with 55.
So here’s the dilemma – do I stay at 120mg of Geodon until I see her next Monday and just try to deal with being “slow” or do I adjust my own meds back to 100mg and see if I pick up just a little more speed?
I’m very honestly torn. I don’t like the idea of being slow, but I don’t want to fuck something up drastically either. If she was actually in the office this week and I could talk to her I’d feel better. But she’s on vacation and the best I’ll get is one of her partners – none of which really know me or my situation well enough to make a completely informed decision.
And then too there’s the fact that I’m not sure if maybe I’m just going to start the day a little slow and pick up speed as I go. I’ve only been awake since 6 so I don’t know if maybe I’m just going to need to gradually ease into my day.
I guess it doesn’t really matter too much right this minute as I won’t be taking another dose until this evening anyway.
The mood has been doing interesting things. I got into a few small fights with Josh yesterday, possibly because of going too fast. We worked them out very well and everything was fine, I just don’t like the idea of fighting at all. I do have to say that overall I’ve been fairly cheerful through this whole ordeal. I’ve even been funnier than usual, which I very much enjoy.
Last night at home I was cruising along getting things done again. I made lunches and my morning mocha, cleaned out the drawers in the bathroom, ran a load of laundry and got it put away, and knit for a little while. I wanted to start tearing the closet apart, but Josh talked me out of it. I’m actually really glad he did – I wouldn’t have had enough energy to finish it and leaving that stuff strung out all over the place would have made me crazy. I did put it on the list for this weekend though.
I’m beginning to wonder if starting my weekend to do list early is not necessarily a good idea. It’s blossomed. Spectacularly. Given that I have an extra day it might not be too bad, I’m just not sure yet. Some of the things I want to try to get done during the week – like Josh’s financial aid stuff and getting him registered for classes. And I’m sure some of it I’ll end up doing early just because it’s easy – like hanging a small shelf in the bathroom. I just kind of figure that I should try to get as much stuff done as possible while I do still have the energy so that when it finally fades I’m ahead of the game.