speedy update

Only got a minute…

Things are going GREAT.  The Melatonin by itself seems to work just fine.  I got great sleep last night and woke up feeling fantastic.  Josh woke up with me this morning and we’ve been having a really good time together.  I’ve got almost all of the chores and errands done.  And I figured out my money situation for the month and I actually have enough to pay everything plus have a little fun.  So Josh and I are going on a date tonight.  I can’t wait.

I finally heard from the guy at the craft store and I turned him down.  I didn’t even ask about the money, I just told him that my doctor wouldn’t release me to work more than 40 hours a week because one of my meds isn’t stable yet.  Kind of a lie, but oh well.  He told me to let him know when things change because he’d really like to have me as part of the team.  That made me feel really good.

Ok, back to laundry…

afternoon update

Tags

crochet, kids, life, love, mental health

This morning has gone smoothly, praise be to the almighty Ceiling Cat…

I got a flyer drafted, some administrativia sorted out, and at lunch I made really good progress on the hat.  It should take maybe another hour or so to finish.  I love these hats because they’re so damn easy.  If anyone is interested, the recipe for them is over on my Patterns page.

I realized earlier that I’ve been talking about having this long weekend, but I neglected to let you know that this means I most likely won’t post again until Tuesday.  That’s not to say that I absolutely won’t, just that I’m not sure when I’ll have time.  Josh and I have quite a few things that need to be taken care of so Mama will be busy.  And we are getting the brat.  The ex finally got back to me, sort of.  At any rate, I know when and where we’re picking her up – clear across the river at her house.  Delightful.  And I’m fairly certain she’ll have had some kind of sleepover which means she’ll be a grumpy little bitch.  Ah yes, I live for these visits…

sleep

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, christmas, family, kids, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, motivation, sleep, stress

Josh was nice enough to stop and get the Melatonin for me last night.  I took 3mg along with my last Xanax.  The combination of that and a quite evening seems to have helped.  I slept fairly well and, while I had a hard time getting up this morning, I actually feel rested for the first time in what seems like a really long time.

When I got home we talked a little about what’s been happening.  I apologized for my part in it and so did he.  We agreed that we’ll keep working at this and that things should get better once I get the sleep situation sorted out.  I feel pretty good about the way the evening turned out.

We did our “usual” thing and then had dinner.  He helped clean up the kitchen and did a few things around the house for me.  I helped him apply for a job and I managed to finish a hat I had started.  I got everything ready for today and shortly after 8pm laid down to rest.  He ended up falling asleep by about 9 so I turned everything off and was probably asleep by 10.  It was actually pretty pleasant.

Now I’m just not sure what to do about tonight.  I think I might have an old bottle of Klonipin laying around somewhere, which may help like the Xanax did.  Although tonight I may just try the Melatonin and see how well it works on its own.

I’m feeling fairly certain that if I can get myself several days of solid sleep in a row that the fighting will pretty well stop and we can go back to being good to each other.  It’s just so incredibly frustrating not feeling well and rested.  I have to keep my shit together at work or I’ll get fired.  I guess I just need to start viewing Josh as my other full time job and work harder to keep my shit together around him.  It’s worth a try.

I still haven’t heard from his ex and I am getting seriously pissed off about it.  It’s not like I want to have a visit this weekend, but I know Josh does.  I don’t understand why this bitch always has to make things so difficult.  But now I don’t know if I should send her another email or a text or really just let it go and wait until she gets in touch with us Saturday morning to find out why we aren’t there.  I hate to say it, but had I known that I’d be having to deal with this kind of shit, I may well not have married Josh.

I have 2 more hats to make and then it’s time to start working on kid gifts.  I also need to make a pair of slippers for Josh.  I have the yarn for that already and the pattern is really pretty easy, so maybe I’ll start those before the bunnies.  The hats should only take a few days, so I’m hoping to have those done by the weekend.  Just seems like there’s so many things to do and only so much of me to go around.

The mood this morning is fairly neutral.  I don’t feel like I have a whole lot of energy, but I don’t feel as much like a slug as I have the last several days.  I just need to get through the next 8 hours and I’ll be alright I think.  Josh and I have several things lined up to do tomorrow and I’m looking forward to that.  I’m also really looking forward to my mom coming home on Saturday.  I didn’t realize how much I would miss her.

don’t bring me down

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, christmas, kids, knitting, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, sleep, stress, work

I had very little hope that today would be anything other than “Tuesday, part 2” but it appears I might have been wrong.  Please Ceiling Cat, let me be wrong…

When I talked to Josh on his first break I told him I didn’t want to talk at lunch if he didn’t think we could be good to each other.  He promised that he’d do his part and that he’d call.  So I let him.  We talked for almost an hour – his work was having some kind of picnic today and they got a long lunch because of it.  It started out kind of iffy.  Neither of us really seemed to want to say much for fear of saying the wrong thing.  But we talked, and it got better, and now things appear to be alright.  I guess I’ll have to see when I get home.

He did say that since he still has a little money in his bank account that he’ll stop at the store on his way home and get me the Melatonin.  I figure at this point damn near anything is worth trying.  What I really need, and what I told him, is that I need a nice quiet productive evening to make me feel good.  Perhaps if I feel good when I lay down that will help.  Hard telling, but, again, it’s worth a try.

I managed to get a respectable amount of work done on a project this morning which also makes me feel good.  I’m still really tired, and a bit sore, but I’m coping.  While I was talking to Josh at lunch I managed to finish the last of the Christmas washcloths.  That means tonight I need to dig out the hat yarn and get going on those.  I found a pattern for the little girls yesterday, I just need to find out what their favorite colors are.  The pattern is for bunnies wearing skirts.  I thought little girls should like something like that.

I still haven’t heard from Josh’s ex about the weekend plans and it’s really starting to piss me off.  I guess this time I’ll just not worry about it and see what happens.  If she hasn’t gotten back to me by Friday I’m just going to assume we’re not getting the brat this weekend.  Fine by me.

The mood is a little better now than it was this morning.  I just keep trying to tell myself that I only have 1 1/2 days left of work this week and then I get a 4 day weekend.  I think I’m looking forward to it.

fighting

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, sleep

We fought again last night, pretty bad.  Lots of yelling and name calling.  I’m really tired of this shit.  I feel like little more than an empty shell of a person.

It seems like every time I think things will get better they get worse.  I just don’t seem capable of keeping my shit together for more than a few days at a time.  I’m always looking for things to be mad at him about.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I was so wound up from fighting last night that I barely slept again.  I even tried taking one of his Ambien to see if it would help, but I guess the anxiety was too much and so it did nothing.  I’ll head to the pharmacy when I get paid and get some Melatonin and see if that helps.

The mood is just utterly terrible right now.  Everything he does hurts me it seems.  And now I’m starting to physically hurt from the depression that seems to be setting in.  I just can’t seem to win.

here we go again

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, kids, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, sleep, work

I was able to talk to shrinky-poo last night, but it wasn’t really worth the effort.  She told me to stop taking the Clonidine and get myself some Melatonin.  I asked her about taking one of Josh’s Ambien and she very adamantly said NO, it’s too habit forming.  Yes, I’d like the habit of sleeping on a regular basis.  What the fuck?

And of course I’m broke right now which means I can’t even go to the pharmacy and get any of these Melatonin pills until Friday.  So I have another entire week of shitty sleep to look forward to.  Yay!

Last night was a tiny bit better without the Clonidine.  I didn’t have as much trouble getting comfortable but it was still a battle royale to get myself to fall asleep.  I managed to get up when Josh did this morning but I didn’t have any kind of energy (still don’t) so I wasn’t able to get the chores done.  I did make it to work on time.  Small victories I guess.

We did end up fighting some yesterday between the time he got off work and the time I got home.  I just really wasn’t in a mood for him so I was definitely less than nice, which means he was less than nice back to me.  I realize that it’s really hard to be good to someone when they’re being terrible to you, but some days I just wish he’d try a little harder.  Which really isn’t fair, I know.  But it’s partially his fault I’m not sleeping.

I just don’t trust him at night anymore.  Since he’s told me that he has no problem sneaking the booze I’m always waiting to wake up and find him off somewhere drinking.  And he told me this weekend that he near constantly is having a battle within himself about the drinking.  He says it’s like have a drunk angel on his shoulder just constantly goading him to drink.  I can’t imagine what that’s like, having never been addicted to anything but cigarettes before.  I’m sure it’s terrible.  But hearing that just kind of makes me trust him even less.

I told him yesterday when I got home that I really don’t even want a husband.  I want a puppy and an endless supply of batteries.  He looked hurt.  I told him I just want someone to be all excited when I come home, that will let me pet them and take care of them, and then when I’m tired of them will just go curl up in a corner and sleep.  Sad, but entirely true.  Yes kids, I am indeed the Worst Wife Ever.

So, I had this prediction that today will suck as bad as yesterday…  Looking like I’ll be right.  Yay!  Josh is working in another part of the shop today where he’s out in the open and can’t text, so our communication will be limited to breaks.  Really seriously thinking about just not communicating.  I really do have things I should be working on, so I’m kind of feeling justified in thinking about ignoring him.  I sent a text when I got here letting him know I’d made it and that I’d talk to him at lunch.  I just doubt he’ll even bother to read the message before he sends me something.  He did that to me pretty well all day yesterday – the few times we talked he just kept ignoring my messages and taking the conversation precisely where he wanted it to go.

I’m tired, and I’m cranky, and I don’t see things getting any better for awhile.  I may well be at the start of an unpleasant downward spiral.  I’m going to try to stay on top of things and keep this from getting too utterly ridiculous but there’s no telling what may happen.

Josh and I are supposed to have a 4 day weekend together.  It would be lovely except we get the brat right in the middle of it.  At least I’m assuming we’re getting her, I still haven’t heard from the ex.  I’m just hoping that even though it’s a holiday weekend that we only get our normal time with her.  I don’t want or need any extra time, god no.  I’m having a hard enough time figuring out what we’ll do with her for the time we have to have her.

yuck

Tags

bipolar disorder, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, sleep

GRRRR

I’m not really in the mood – for ANYTHING.  I had to talk to Josh at lunch, even though I didn’t want to, and that just made me grumpier.  He hardly talked at all, and I sure as hell wasn’t saying anything.  When he had to let me go he said that he was sorry he hadn’t had much to say but he had really wanted to keep me company.  He also assured me that tonight will be good.  And he told me that he loves me, twice, to which I did not respond.

Now he’s busy working somewhere he can’t talk and I’m just ready to give up.  It’s not worth putting in any kind of effort towards making tonight good as I’m pretty sure tomorrow will end up a repeat of today.  When he does talk to me he pretty well only bitches about his job.  Really pretty sick and tired of hearing about it.

He claims that tonight we’ll do our “usual” thing after work and then after dinner he’ll look for a new job.  Whatever.  I’m tempted to go home and eat a piece of cheese, take my pills, and then barricade myself in our bedroom.  I’M TIRED!!!  All I really want to do is go home and sleep.  But I won’t.  There’s something going on preventing me from sleeping right now and I don’t know what it is.  I’d like to call my shrink, but her office is closed right now for an all staff meeting.  And by the time they open again I’ll have to go to meet my next client and then after that I’ll probably forget.  Except that I’ve written here that I want to call, so maybe I’ll remember today.

Why is sleep so fucking hard for me?  My body is physically exhausted, why in the fuck can’t my brain get with the program and just turn itself off for awhile???  SERIOUSLY.  I’m tired of constantly being so fucking tired.  I could not tell you the last night I got any kind of sleep that didn’t involve chemicals.  And now even the normal pills aren’t working.  WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???

sleep deprived, again

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, life, love, mental health, mental illness, sleep

Not sure how many times I’m going to have to explain to Josh that when he drinks I don’t sleep.  He drank both nights this weekend, AGAIN, and again it has fucked up my sleep schedule.

I had hoped that since I took it easy yesterday that I’d have an easy time falling asleep.  I felt pretty tired damn near all day.  I took my pills early, stayed away from the caffeine, had my last smoke early, and still I was awake half the night.  Thanks to this I woke up feeling like dirt and had trouble with my stomach.  I guess I’m just thankful this will be a short week.

The weekend really wasn’t too bad except for the lack of sleep.  We had a nice time together and got some things done.  We did fight just a tiny bit, but not enough to spoil the good mood we had going.  I’m just hoping I can keep my shit together well enough today that we don’t fight any more.

The mood right now is kind of dicey.  Being utterly worn out will do that to you though.  And the oppressive heat has returned.  It’s not really any hotter than it has been, but the humidity is way up there.  Nothing like being hot and tired to put you in a foul mood.

weekend progress

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, love, mental health, mental illness, work

Good morning kids!  Hope everyone is feeling good this morning.  I feel splendid, thanks for asking…

This has been a stellar weekend so far in damn near every regard.  We had a really pleasant time Friday night just kind of hanging out.  The weather was lovely so we spent part of the time just sitting in the garage with the door open, chatting.  Saturday morning Josh got up when the alarm went off, as promised, and we had a wonderful day.  We took our shower, had some breakfast, ran a few errands, had lunch at my favorite Greek restaurant, did a little window shopping, and then came home and just sort of fucked off the rest of the day.  Last night we spent the evening alternating between playing with the computer and sitting in the garage smoking.  And there was no tv, hardly at all yesterday.

So far this morning we haven’t managed to do much.  Well no, I haven’t managed to do much.  Josh has emptied the cat boxes and the dishwasher for me already.  I need to finish tidying up and then figure out what I’m doing the rest of the day.

We haven’t been able to work on the cedar chest because the weather just hasn’t been cooperating.  That’s alright, I’m just kind of enjoying hanging out and being a slug.

The job interview went well.  I’m supposed to find out Monday or Tuesday if I’m getting it.  The managers I talked to seemed really nice and I think I’d really enjoy working there.  I’m kind of anxious to get the call.

Alright, that’s enough drivel from me for one morning.  I’m feeling fat and sassy and I need to go torment something or someone.  Catch ya in the morning!

really?

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, life, love, mental health, mental illness, sleep, work

I figured out what started the issues yesterday, and I’m really embarrassed about it.  A contributing factor was my lack of sleep – that always sets me up for trouble.  But then on his first break Josh started talking about the weather.  For some reason I thought we should be talking about something of more substance since he wasn’t able to talk between breaks.  That’s what set me off and I ended up being snotty the whole fucking day because of it.

I yelled at him a little and then felt better, so the evening wasn’t a write off.  We talked and snuggled and made up.  If I’d actually managed to sleep last night I would have called it a win.  But I didn’t, and so I’m kind of crabby again.  Fuck my life.

I don’t know what the deal was last night either.  Maybe I should have stayed up knitting longer instead of getting into bed with Josh right away.  He just kept wanting to show me things and since he was on the other side of the room it was hard.  And I just don’t like sitting up in bed to knit for some reason.  Gotta figure out a better solution to this.

Part of the problem last night was that I just could not get comfortable.  I was too hot under the covers, but too cold without them.  I tried taking off my pjs and getting under the covers but that didn’t seem to work either.  I slept in fits and spurts all night.  When Josh got up this morning I sort of woke, but I didn’t get out of bed until my alarm went off.  Fortunately I’ve got it set early enough that I still had time to do everything this morning, but I had to kind of speed my way through everything.  Nothing like hitting the ground running.

I’m in my own office for a short bit this morning and then I’ll be over in the lab the rest of the day.  Well, the rest of my short day.  I’m leaving at 3, as per the arrangement with my boss.  My job interview is at 3:45.  I’ll try to get up before Josh tomorrow morning and post about it.  Maybe that contributed to the poor sleep last night?  Being nervous about the interview?  Not sure.

I did manage to run the load of towels through the washer/dryer last night, so that was good.  I might try to do some stuff tonight when I get home, but I’m guessing I’ll do the majority of it tomorrow.  There’s quite a bit I can get done while Josh is sleeping.  Though he did tell me he’ll try to get up at 8 both mornings, so we’ll just have to see.

One of the things that really staved off the fighting last night was him helping around the house.  By the time I got home he had made my mocha, cleaned all 3 cat boxes, emptied the dishwasher, started his coffee, and gotten pills out for dinner.  I thanked him profusely and told him how much it means to me when he helps.

I’m sure you’ll find this hard to believe, but I don’t have a to do list for this weekend.  I realized that it’s pretty much always the same things on the list, and I can manage that in my head.  The only different thing this weekend is that I’d really like to work on the cedar chest.  I’m just hoping the weather cooperates.  Josh says we need to work on this in the driveway since the fumes from the stripper solution will be so bad and it’s supposed to rain on Saturday.  Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

The mood is doing better this morning, even though I am pretty tired.  I’m hoping to get the sleep mess sorted out this weekend.  Though since Josh will be drinking I’ll feel compelled to stay up with him to make sure he doesn’t get himself into any trouble.  Not sure what will happen with that.  Anyway, I’m hoping that maybe my body will finally be exhausted enough to just drop tonight.