i give up

Tags

borderline personality disorder, life, love, mental illness

This has been an absolutely terrible day.  I wish it was over, but I’m still not done.  But I am done.

When Josh talked to me on break we had a terrible fight.  I told him I was upset about what happened and that I needed him to either do his job of protecting and taking care of me or get the fuck out.  His reply was “bye.”  I flipped.  Cue a borderline episode on top of a panic attack.  And the bastard shut his phone off.  This was about 30 minutes before I had to leave to teach.  So I told him I’d be filing for divorce as soon as I got home.

He finally got back to me and started accusing me of not actually loving him.  We went round for a few minutes and I finally started begging him not to leave me.  He agreed that he wouldn’t and told me that he loved me.  I went and taught.

When it was time for his last break he contacted me again.  I tried to behave, but told him how upset I’d been.  He brushed it off, as usual.  I asked him about having make up sex tonight and he said no.  Bring back the borderline episode.

Supposedly now everything is fine and we’ll have sex when I go home.  I just don’t want to go home.  He’s ignoring me again and I just can’t really cope with it today.

I can’t deal with this kind of stress, not at work and home at the same time.  He knows this.  I’ve told him how much it upsets me when we fight, especially if I have to teach that day.  He knows goddamn good and well how harsh his words are and how much they kill me.  He does it on purpose.  Well I’m done, I give up.

I haven’t entirely decided what I’m going to do when I get home, but something has got to happen.  I can’t live like this.  No one should have to.  This is emotional abuse and I won’t stand for it anymore.  I have got to start standing up for myself and defending my right to happiness.

I’ve been thinking about this all day and I’ve come to the realization that I hate him much more often than I love him.  That’s got to be a sign, right?

what a terrible fucking weekend

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, kids, life, limits, love, meds, mental illness, sleep, work

Most people look forward to the weekends.  Two days off work, some time to relax and unwind, perhaps visit friends.  Not me.  I dread them.  It means two whole days of non-stop fighting with Josh.

So I went to Gemma’s.  That part of the weekend was good.  We just hung out and talked, crafted a little, decompressed.  But on the way over to her house I lost my passenger side mirror because Josh had a temper tantrum in the morning and slammed the door so hard that it broke the clip that holds the mirror in place.  While I was there I asked him to promise not to drink Saturday night because I really needed some sleep.  He promised.  I went home and we watched a movie.  About 9:30 I went to bed.  I woke up about an hour later, alone, and found him and the brat on the back porch.  I thought nothing of it and went back to bed.  I woke up at 7 feeling pretty good.  I started tidying up and found empty beer bottles in the fridge.

I flipped.  I woke him up and the fighting started.  He said he made the promise so that I wouldn’t worry and so that I would actually sleep.  He’d gotten the beer on Friday and I apparently just didn’t see it in the fridge.  So he made the promise knowing full well that he was going to break it.

We spent the entire day fighting.

This morning I wanted nothing to do with him so I pretended to still be asleep until after he left.  When he got to work he sent me a text telling me that someone got into the Honda last night and stole his big flashlight and possibly the registration papers.  The dumb son of a bitch had left it unlocked.  I told him how fucking stupid he is.  There’s a garage door opener in that car that would let someone into the house.  Whoever went through the car could have come into the house and killed us in our sleep or stolen everything we have.

HOW CAN A HUMAN BEING BE SO FUCKING STUPID????

When I talked to Gemma on Saturday I told her that every time I think I’m ready to kick him out I change my mind.  She said that just means I’m not really ready.  But let me tell you kids, I really think I’m getting close.  This shit is ridiculous.

He can’t keep a promise, he can’t fucking tell me the truth, and he apparently doesn’t know how to fucking pick up after himself.  This morning when I left I did nothing in the basement.  I left his light on, all of his shit strung out all over the place, and I didn’t make the bed.  I’m not his fucking mother – there is absolutely no reason I should have to pick up after him every fucking morning.  I’M SICK OF IT!!!

I setup a password on my iPad yesterday so that the next time he decides he needs to look at porn he’ll have to do it on his Nook or on the laptop.  I don’t want that garbage on my devices.  I’m really tempted to put a password on the laptop as well.  It just fucking sickens me.

He’s supposed to be talking to me on his break in a few minutes.  I never did let him know I made it to work and he hasn’t bothered to check on me.  I’m tempted to just ignore him all day and see how he likes it.  I’m so fucking sick of his bullshit that it’s not funny.  I just took one of my 2 remaining Xanax to see if that will help calm me down.  I’m just so worked up right now I don’t know if it’ll help or not.  And of course I have to teach this morning, two classes back to back.  Not really in the mood for this, but I’ll soldier through it.

Right now, I hate him.  I hate him more than I think I’ve ever hated anyone.  He completely fucked up my weekend when I specifically told him I was going to need time to relax and unwind.  Even when I was at Gemma’s I couldn’t relax because I was stressing about having to drive home with no mirror.  And I had no idea what kind of mess I was going to go home to.  Sunday morning I had to clean the downstairs bathroom because the brat decided to draw pictures on the counter with hand soap.  She’s just so fucking annoying and I absolutely HATE having her over anymore.  She’s just a miniature version of him.  We took her to see the new Ice Age movie yesterday afternoon and she talked through the entire fucking thing.  ARGH!!!

I well and truly don’t know how much more of this I can tolerate.  I think I’m almost at my breaking point.  I guess I’ll decide what to do after he sends me that first text on break.  I’ll try to post this afternoon with an update.

Wish me luck…