Borderline episodes, for me, are terrible. It’s kind of like a panic attack but it involves RAGE, hard core, beat the living hell out of someone, RAGE. When it happens my face gets burning hot, my hands go ice cold, and I have no care for anyone else’s feelings. I say terrible things and quite often I break things. If I’m in the car I drive very fast and erratically. I smoke way more than I should. All I want to do is hurt someone. It’s sort of the ultimate in losing control. I’ve been hurt, now I want to hurt you, worse.
I ended up leaving work shortly after I posted yesterday because of the episode. Fortunately there’s a flu bug going around our office and when I gave my boss a hug for her birthday she felt my face and assumed I was running a fever and sent me home. I told her I wasn’t feeling very well and she said to go home and rest so that I would feel well enough to teach again today.
I went home and waited for Josh. I didn’t have to wait long. By the time I got there I had calmed down. We talked, we apologized to each other, and things went back to what passes as normal for us. I told him that I’ll continue to take care of him if he shows me some kind of effort to take care of me. I explained why leaving the car unlocked is such a big deal and why the things he said upset me so much. I told him that I’ll try being better to him if he promises to try being better to me. To be perfectly honest I don’t believe his promise, but I guess it was good for him to say it. By the time we went to bed last night things appeared to be fine.
I’m trying to figure out what I need to do to make sure that today is not a repeat of yesterday. I slept fairly good last night so I’m not going to be fighting being tired all day, which should help some. I have to teach, 2 classes, and that usually helps put me in a pretty decent mood. As long as Josh is good to me when he finally decides to talk to me, I’m guessing things should be alright. Although it’s been over an hour since I heard anything, so who knows…
I was thinking about my diagnoses on the way in to work this morning. What would my life look like if I wasn’t mentally ill? I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t still be with my first husband. He was a real asshole and I don’t think that marriage every stood a chance. But maybe I’d still be with my second husband. It was my fault we split up and I still feel terrible about the things I did to him. But if I was still with him, I might not have gone back to school for my Master’s degree. Maybe if I wasn’t mentally ill I wouldn’t have some of the weird ambition I have. Maybe my drive comes from a need to prove to the world that “mentally ill” does not equate to “inferior.” Maybe this is why I’ve always felt the need to prove myself when someone tells me something is too hard for me. I just don’t know. I think there are a lot of things in life that would be easier, but then I have to wonder if easier is necessarily better. Perhaps the need to fight for every inch of ground makes me appreciate it that much more.
Perhaps I should stop navel gazing and go do some work.