really?

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, life, love, mental health, mental illness, sleep, work

I figured out what started the issues yesterday, and I’m really embarrassed about it.  A contributing factor was my lack of sleep – that always sets me up for trouble.  But then on his first break Josh started talking about the weather.  For some reason I thought we should be talking about something of more substance since he wasn’t able to talk between breaks.  That’s what set me off and I ended up being snotty the whole fucking day because of it.

I yelled at him a little and then felt better, so the evening wasn’t a write off.  We talked and snuggled and made up.  If I’d actually managed to sleep last night I would have called it a win.  But I didn’t, and so I’m kind of crabby again.  Fuck my life.

I don’t know what the deal was last night either.  Maybe I should have stayed up knitting longer instead of getting into bed with Josh right away.  He just kept wanting to show me things and since he was on the other side of the room it was hard.  And I just don’t like sitting up in bed to knit for some reason.  Gotta figure out a better solution to this.

Part of the problem last night was that I just could not get comfortable.  I was too hot under the covers, but too cold without them.  I tried taking off my pjs and getting under the covers but that didn’t seem to work either.  I slept in fits and spurts all night.  When Josh got up this morning I sort of woke, but I didn’t get out of bed until my alarm went off.  Fortunately I’ve got it set early enough that I still had time to do everything this morning, but I had to kind of speed my way through everything.  Nothing like hitting the ground running.

I’m in my own office for a short bit this morning and then I’ll be over in the lab the rest of the day.  Well, the rest of my short day.  I’m leaving at 3, as per the arrangement with my boss.  My job interview is at 3:45.  I’ll try to get up before Josh tomorrow morning and post about it.  Maybe that contributed to the poor sleep last night?  Being nervous about the interview?  Not sure.

I did manage to run the load of towels through the washer/dryer last night, so that was good.  I might try to do some stuff tonight when I get home, but I’m guessing I’ll do the majority of it tomorrow.  There’s quite a bit I can get done while Josh is sleeping.  Though he did tell me he’ll try to get up at 8 both mornings, so we’ll just have to see.

One of the things that really staved off the fighting last night was him helping around the house.  By the time I got home he had made my mocha, cleaned all 3 cat boxes, emptied the dishwasher, started his coffee, and gotten pills out for dinner.  I thanked him profusely and told him how much it means to me when he helps.

I’m sure you’ll find this hard to believe, but I don’t have a to do list for this weekend.  I realized that it’s pretty much always the same things on the list, and I can manage that in my head.  The only different thing this weekend is that I’d really like to work on the cedar chest.  I’m just hoping the weather cooperates.  Josh says we need to work on this in the driveway since the fumes from the stripper solution will be so bad and it’s supposed to rain on Saturday.  Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

The mood is doing better this morning, even though I am pretty tired.  I’m hoping to get the sleep mess sorted out this weekend.  Though since Josh will be drinking I’ll feel compelled to stay up with him to make sure he doesn’t get himself into any trouble.  Not sure what will happen with that.  Anyway, I’m hoping that maybe my body will finally be exhausted enough to just drop tonight.