I’m not really in the mood – for ANYTHING. I had to talk to Josh at lunch, even though I didn’t want to, and that just made me grumpier. He hardly talked at all, and I sure as hell wasn’t saying anything. When he had to let me go he said that he was sorry he hadn’t had much to say but he had really wanted to keep me company. He also assured me that tonight will be good. And he told me that he loves me, twice, to which I did not respond.
Now he’s busy working somewhere he can’t talk and I’m just ready to give up. It’s not worth putting in any kind of effort towards making tonight good as I’m pretty sure tomorrow will end up a repeat of today. When he does talk to me he pretty well only bitches about his job. Really pretty sick and tired of hearing about it.
He claims that tonight we’ll do our “usual” thing after work and then after dinner he’ll look for a new job. Whatever. I’m tempted to go home and eat a piece of cheese, take my pills, and then barricade myself in our bedroom. I’M TIRED!!! All I really want to do is go home and sleep. But I won’t. There’s something going on preventing me from sleeping right now and I don’t know what it is. I’d like to call my shrink, but her office is closed right now for an all staff meeting. And by the time they open again I’ll have to go to meet my next client and then after that I’ll probably forget. Except that I’ve written here that I want to call, so maybe I’ll remember today.
Why is sleep so fucking hard for me? My body is physically exhausted, why in the fuck can’t my brain get with the program and just turn itself off for awhile??? SERIOUSLY. I’m tired of constantly being so fucking tired. I could not tell you the last night I got any kind of sleep that didn’t involve chemicals. And now even the normal pills aren’t working. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???