Tags
alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, kids, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, sleep, work
I was able to talk to shrinky-poo last night, but it wasn’t really worth the effort. She told me to stop taking the Clonidine and get myself some Melatonin. I asked her about taking one of Josh’s Ambien and she very adamantly said NO, it’s too habit forming. Yes, I’d like the habit of sleeping on a regular basis. What the fuck?
And of course I’m broke right now which means I can’t even go to the pharmacy and get any of these Melatonin pills until Friday. So I have another entire week of shitty sleep to look forward to. Yay!
Last night was a tiny bit better without the Clonidine. I didn’t have as much trouble getting comfortable but it was still a battle royale to get myself to fall asleep. I managed to get up when Josh did this morning but I didn’t have any kind of energy (still don’t) so I wasn’t able to get the chores done. I did make it to work on time. Small victories I guess.
We did end up fighting some yesterday between the time he got off work and the time I got home. I just really wasn’t in a mood for him so I was definitely less than nice, which means he was less than nice back to me. I realize that it’s really hard to be good to someone when they’re being terrible to you, but some days I just wish he’d try a little harder. Which really isn’t fair, I know. But it’s partially his fault I’m not sleeping.
I just don’t trust him at night anymore. Since he’s told me that he has no problem sneaking the booze I’m always waiting to wake up and find him off somewhere drinking. And he told me this weekend that he near constantly is having a battle within himself about the drinking. He says it’s like have a drunk angel on his shoulder just constantly goading him to drink. I can’t imagine what that’s like, having never been addicted to anything but cigarettes before. I’m sure it’s terrible. But hearing that just kind of makes me trust him even less.
I told him yesterday when I got home that I really don’t even want a husband. I want a puppy and an endless supply of batteries. He looked hurt. I told him I just want someone to be all excited when I come home, that will let me pet them and take care of them, and then when I’m tired of them will just go curl up in a corner and sleep. Sad, but entirely true. Yes kids, I am indeed the Worst Wife Ever.
So, I had this prediction that today will suck as bad as yesterday… Looking like I’ll be right. Yay! Josh is working in another part of the shop today where he’s out in the open and can’t text, so our communication will be limited to breaks. Really seriously thinking about just not communicating. I really do have things I should be working on, so I’m kind of feeling justified in thinking about ignoring him. I sent a text when I got here letting him know I’d made it and that I’d talk to him at lunch. I just doubt he’ll even bother to read the message before he sends me something. He did that to me pretty well all day yesterday – the few times we talked he just kept ignoring my messages and taking the conversation precisely where he wanted it to go.
I’m tired, and I’m cranky, and I don’t see things getting any better for awhile. I may well be at the start of an unpleasant downward spiral. I’m going to try to stay on top of things and keep this from getting too utterly ridiculous but there’s no telling what may happen.
Josh and I are supposed to have a 4 day weekend together. It would be lovely except we get the brat right in the middle of it. At least I’m assuming we’re getting her, I still haven’t heard from the ex. I’m just hoping that even though it’s a holiday weekend that we only get our normal time with her. I don’t want or need any extra time, god no. I’m having a hard enough time figuring out what we’ll do with her for the time we have to have her.
