bye bye beautiful

Tags

life, love, mental illness

So the goodness has left me. Josh and I started going back and forth before lunch and it hasn’t improved much. I’m so fucking tired of all this. I can’t even seem to keep my shit together for an entire week. This is bullshit.

I’m working in the lab right now which means sitting by myself in a quiet room with just my iPad and phone for company. Except Josh is working somewhere that he can’t talk right now so I’m well and truly alone. Even when he is able to talk he probably won’t.

I don’t want to ruin a good day and I really don’t want to ruin my run of good days.  But what do I do now?  I’ve already snapped at him and things are not looking promising for when I go home.  And the longer he lets me sit here the worse it gets.

So much for my good mood…

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Tags

bipolar disorder, christmas, friends, knitting, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, sleep, work

Evil Socks, fait accompli

The socks are DONE!!!  I finished the knitting last night and then wove the ends in this morning.  I can honestly say I have never been more pleased to see the end of a project.

*****

So, the changes…  I heard from a few folks and most of them said that sleep is the number one thing they would change.  Gemma wants to change her med regime, and I can’t say as I blame her.  She’s been dealing with all kinds of ick side effects lately.  I had some side effects at the beginning of my treatment, but they seemed to mostly go away when I switched docs and shrinky-poo overhauled my meds.  I do still have issues with the notorious lithium tremors now and again, but mostly only when I’m really good and frustrated with something.

Sleep, the always important and often elusive sleep.  We seem to get either too much or too little, rarely landing in that “normal” middle zone.  We don’t fall asleep easily, we don’t stay asleep, and when we do sleep it’s often plagued with nasty dreams that leave us feeling as though we haven’t slept at all.  Oh yes, been there, done that.

I actually had a hell of a time getting to sleep last night.  And I thought I’d been smart about my evening.  Josh and I were getting along splendidly, I didn’t have a smoke after dinner, drank a milkshake (which often helps put me out) and took my Clonidine fairly early.  And still I was awake at midnight wondering what in the hell had happened.  I finally drifted off and then woke to Josh’s alarm at 4:30.  I went upstairs and used the bathroom and then flopped down on the futon in the sun room.  I passed out for almost 45 minutes.  I woke again, had a smoke, and then woke Josh.  I feel alright now, but I’m betting I go down early tonight.

The only thing I can think of that might have been causing me trouble was caffeine.  I was drinking sweet tea and my milkshake was chocolate peanut butter.  But caffeine doesn’t usually seem to upset me, so I don’t know.  At any rate, I think tonight I’ll stick to lemon water just to be safe.

But seriously, what does it take to get a good night’s sleep?  I try avoiding the stimulants that I know bother me, I don’t lay down right after eating, I try to avoid stimulating television, I get everything that needs to be done accomplished so I’m not worrying about leaving things unfinished, I keep the room very cool, and I run a fan for white noise.  What the fuck else should I be doing?  If anyone has any other tips or tricks that help, please, share them.

*****

Things in Mama’s world seem to be running pretty smoothly right now.  Josh and I had a very minor upset yesterday afternoon that we resolved quickly and efficiently.  The evening was grand.  I got all of the chores done, we had a lovely meal together, I finished the socks, and I just plain felt GOOD.  I’m back to working on the washcloths for Christmas and trying to figure out what to do for the other folks on my list.

I think I have my morning routine all figured out now.  I get up either when Josh does or just a little before him, use the bathroom, smoke and drink my mocha.  If it’s still way before he needs to get up I knit for a few minutes.  I then put his lunch together, send him on his way, make the bed and tidy the basement, and knit again.  When he gets to work we talk for a few minutes and then I start getting myself ready.  Since I’ve been doing this I’ve been able to accomplish everything in the morning and get myself to work with at least a few minutes to spare.  It works well and I really do like it.

This morning I’m waiting for the financial aid office at the community college Josh is enrolled in to open.  I neglected to read all of their directions for applying for aid and now I have to fax them a release form.  Except I can’t find the fucking fax number anywhere.  Seriously, if they’re going to tell us we can fax something to them they ought to make it easy to find the damn number.

Josh is already telling me we’re going to have a good weekend.  I’m actually looking forward to the weekend for a change.  It’ll be just the two of us and I think I’m really going to enjoy that.  Not sure yet what all we’re going to do, but we’ve got plenty of things we should be able to do.  I’d really like to finally get working on that cedar chest now that the weather is more reasonable.

I’m having a serious debate with myself over the merits of continuing my Facebook account.  Most of my “friends” don’t post personal things anymore.  They repost political articles or religious pictures.  This is fine, but I don’t share their views so I don’t necessarily enjoy seeing these things.  And I kind of feel like only a very few of them are actually paying attention to the things I’m sharing.  Josh suggested downloading all of my photos from there to make sure I don’t lose anything and then letting it sit for a few weeks.  If, after that time, I haven’t missed it at all then I should deactivate it.  I think this sounds like a very reasonable plan.  While I’m working the lab on Friday I’ll take care of the pictures.  I’m just really not sure Facebook is something I want to spend any more time on, ya know?

The mood lately has been LOVELY.  I’ve felt very in control of my emotions, which is a pleasure.  The minor upset yesterday was handled quite well I think.  I’m looking forward to another good day and then an awesome weekend.

 

let’s play a game

Tags

mental illness, random shit that falls out of my brain

Well, maybe not a game, per se, but let’s see if we can’t get a conversation started….

I’ve been thinking about the myriad ways that living with a mental illness has changed my life.  And that got me to wondering, if there was just ONE THING about this whole mental deal that I could change, what would that be?  Med regime, sleep, eating, concentration, creativity, energy…

So I’m wondering, for those of you reading who are also living with mental illness, what would you change?  Please leave me a comment and then tomorrow morning I’ll talk about my thing I’d like to change.

Hope to hear from y’all soon!

nothing but blue skies do I see

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, sleep, work

Peach Bread Pudding

3 large eggs
1 1/4 C sugar
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
24 oz jar of peaches, drained
1 tsp ground nutmeg
1 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 C butter, melted
2 C milk
4 large croissants, torn into bite sized chunks

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.  Spray a 9×13 inch pan lightly with cooking spray.  In the blender beat the eggs until they’re frothy – about 4 minutes.  Add all other ingredients except croissants and blend well.  Pour this mixture over the croissant pieces in the greased pan.  Bake for 55 minutes or until golden brown and set.

*****

This week is just turning out AWESOME so far!  Josh and I have been getting along really well, work is going pretty smooth, I’m getting good sleep, and I’ve got an interview Friday afternoon for a part time job.  YEA!!!

The job is at a craft store, which is perfect for me.  I’m going to tell the guy on Friday that I absolutely can’t work more than 20 hours a week and I’d really prefer to only work the nights Josh is at school.  We’ll see how it goes.  I’m just really excited that I got the interview.  That makes me feel awesome!!!

The visit with shrinky-poo yesterday went really well.  I told her about the Clonidine giving me weird dreams, and that puzzled her, but she said as long as I’m sleeping good I should keep taking it.  She actually didn’t change anything – she said since I’ve been doing so well we really shouldn’t mess with anything yet.  I go back at the end of September to see how things are going then.  Unless I have a problem before that appointment, in which case I’ll call.

The sock is coming along nicely.  I measured it against the other one this morning and I think I only have about 1.5″ left to go.  Might even be able to get that done at lunch today.  That would make me very happy indeed.

The mood seems to be holding fairly steady.  I woke up in a really good mood this morning and had a nice little chat with Josh before he left for work.  I’m hoping that things hold this way through the rest of the week.  Yesterday when I got home he had gotten me a blue rose and made my mocha for me.  Some days that boy is entirely too sweet.

Ah yes, life is GOOD…

shrinky-poo

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, knitting, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, recipes, sleep

I have an appointment with my shrinky-poo today.  It’s a follow up from my last visit.  I’m hoping it goes well and that she doesn’t feel the need to further fuck with my medications.  I’m still not necessarily sleeping that great, but it’s better than it was.

I love my shrink.  I think she’s the best psych doc that money can buy.  She listens to me, asks questions that a therapist might, wants to know about anything going on in my life that might be affecting my mental well being, and she doesn’t pull any punches.  When I’m fucking up, she tells me I’m fucking up.  I really and truly love this woman.

My first shrink after being diagnosed was an asshat.  All he wanted to do was keep me so medicated that I couldn’t possibly think about suicide.  Keep in mind that when I was seeing him I hadn’t even attempted yet – I’d only talked about it.  He had me on mega doses of Seroquel and I was barely able to function.  I just sort of assumed that this was the way my life would be from then on.  I had no idea that someone living with a mental health diagnosis was allowed to have any quality of life.

My mom finally went to an appointment with me and ripped him a new one.  She said all the things to him that I had been afraid to and demanded that something change.  He told her that this was as good as I’d ever be.  She refused to believe that and we started looking for a new doc.

My therapist at the time gave me the recommendation.  Even on my first appointment I knew that this was a better kind of treatment.  I never looked back.

If there’s a lesson to be taken from all this it’s that you really don’t have to settle when it comes to your mental health care.  If something doesn’t seem right about your doc, look for another one, even if only to get a second opinion.  Your psych doc literally holds your life in their hands so you need to be able to trust that person completely.  You need to know if your heart of hearts that s/he has your very best interests in their heart.

Trust me, in psych docs as in shoes, it’s worth it to shop around for the very best fit.

*****

This week is kind of unusual at home.  My sister is traveling for her job again so my mom is staying at their house to help take care of the kids.  On Saturday they leave for Florida for a week.  This means Josh and I essentially have the house to ourselves for 2 whole weeks.  I’m a little scared if I’m to be honest with y’all.  It’s been a good many years since I’ve had responsibility for this much of a household.  There’s all kinds of little things that my mom does that I’m afraid I take for granted.  I’m sure we’ll be ok, it’s just a little nerve wracking.

Josh and I seem to be getting along fairly well.  No fights yesterday and so far this morning has started off smooth.  I got up with almost no problem this morning when he did and so I had time to do my usual morning stuff.  It just seems to make me feel better to leave the house in the morning knowing that everything is cleaned up and that I won’t be coming home to any messes.  Josh even kind of picked some of his stuff up this morning.  I made a point of telling him last week that it’s easier for me to do these things when I have some kind of physical sign from him that he’s helping and he appreciates what I’m doing.  It appears he listened and is starting to do his part.  This makes me very happy.

I wasn’t really in the mood to work on the sock last night, but I did take some time yesterday afternoon at work to get in a few rounds.  I’m guessing it shouldn’t be a problem to have it all done by Friday.  I’ve got nothing on my calendar at work today so I’ll be taking my regular lunch and that means 30 – 60 minutes of knitting time, depending on when I get hungry.  I think after this I’ll get back to working on Christmas presents.  I need to figure out just how many of those washcloths I need to make and then I know I’ll be doing some hats.  Not sure what to do for the kids this year, but I’m sure I’ll figure something out.

I do have another recipe I’m working on to share with y’all.  It’s Peach Bread Pudding and I think it’s my favorite bread pudding recipe ever.  I got the idea from a recipe Mom clipped from the newspaper, but I’ve modified the hell out of it.  One night this week I’ll try to type it up and get it shared.

hope

Tags

bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, fight the good fight, hope, life, love, mental illness

This might ramble a little, bear with me kids…

I write about most of the aspects of my life.  I write about the difficult things, the mental things, the fun things, the personal things, the crafty things, and – as often as possible – the normal things.  This blog is a snap shot of my life as I’m living it.  Some days I have really boring things to write about and some days I have drama, but in all honesty, doesn’t everyone?

I probably write way more bad things about my husband than I do good things.  Let’s be real for a minute – it’s more necessary to get the bad stuff off my chest.  I do try to tell you about the funny, sweet, wonderful things he does – but sometimes it seems like there are more bad things than good.  But he’s a good man at heart, and I know, deep down, that he really does love me.

I’ve got problems.  I bet you’ve got problems, too.  And it’s good for us to talk about those problems.  You reading about my difficulties may make you feel just a little bit better about your own, and that’s good – that’s what I’m sort of here for.  I want you all to know that you’re not alone.

I try to write about so many different things because my life is varied.  No two days are ever the same.  Some of the same problems keep coming up – like how to get Josh to better control his drinking or how I can get better sleep – but really, my life is all about the change that happens around me.  And I love that.

My goal, if I’m to be perfectly honest with y’all, is that someone reads what I write and is able to think to themself, “wow, she’s got all of these challenges and yet she gets up and fights for herself every single day.  Maybe I can do that, too.”

We’re all fighting.  Some of us fight mental illnesses, some fight addictions, some fight bad habits – but we all fight.  Some days we gain ground, some days we lose ground, but the important thing is this…

WE MUST NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.

welcome back

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, family, kids, knitting, life, love, mental illness, work

The semester started here today.  That means all of the full time staff is back and ALL of the students are back.  It’s a fucking zoo out there.

The weekend was not what I had hoped for, but in some ways was better than I expected.  Josh and I ended up having a terrible fight Friday afternoon because he got beer for Saturday.  We yelled at each other for about an hour before things finally settled down.  The rest of the evening was good.

Saturday he actually got up with me and we took a shower before I went and got a pedicure with my mom.  After that we went and got the brat and had lunch.  I hadn’t had time last week to do any of the chores so that’s how I spent most of my day.  The kid worked on making herself a baby doll blanket.  Josh started drinking his beer after dinner and things seemed to be alright.  He was a pain in the ass to get up Sunday morning, but that’s pretty typical.  We all had breakfast and then it was time to take the brat to the ice rink.

On the way home Josh saw a sign for a car show at the high school by our house.  I told him I’d be happy to go with him after we had some lunch.  The weather was awesome and I knew it would make him happy, so I figured why not.  We walked around for almost an hour taking pictures and admiring the cars.  It was actually a really nice time.  When we got home I uploaded all of the photos for him and then we spent some quiet time together.

I didn’t manage to finish the sock, but I’m only about 5″ from being done.  I’m trying to have it finished by Friday so that I can have my mom take it to Florida next week when she goes on vacation with my sister and her family.

Today at work has been weird, and I think it’s going to get weirder.  We have this girl who is the worst control freak I’ve ever met, and she’s going crazy.  We’re supposed to be doing this welcome week event today and she told my boss on Friday that she’s doing everything wrong.  So my boss flipped on her and told her she can just do it herself.  I usually do about half the work for this – not this year.  My boss is actually leaving today before the event starts.  I told her I’ll do the bare minimum I have to, but nothing extra.  If this little girl thinks she can put on the big girl pants and run, let her.

finally friday

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, kids, knitting, life, love, mental illness, motivation, sleep, work

I have one more presentation to give this afternoon.  If I can survive until 3pm, I’ll be fine.

Josh has been being super good to me lately and I am LOVING IT.  Again last night he had done all of the chores by the time I got home.  And he didn’t say anything about the fact that I had fallen asleep so early the night before, or when I did it again last night.  His comment this morning was that he had hoped I’d gotten the sleep I needed.  And I did.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning when his alarm went off.  I had started waking up before then because he was sleeping essentially on my side of the bed.  I knew he’d been drinking so I wasn’t surprised.  My sister had brought over beer to go with the pizza we had for dinner, so he decided to finish off the left overs from last Saturday.  I figured he’d do that so I wasn’t upset.

So I got up and did my morning thing – had a smoke, drank my mocha, and started knitting.  I didn’t make the mistake of getting back in bed with him today.  Instead, when his alarm started going off again when I came back downstairs I gave him a kiss on the cheek.  He rolled over a bit and gave me kisses back and then continued to snooze for awhile.  I kept knitting and got the sock to the point where I need to turn the heel.  Should be able to do that at lunch today.

I went back upstairs for another smoke and waited for him to come up.  He gave me a hug and some kisses and told me he’s really looking forward to seeing me this afternoon.  That was really sweet.  I headed back downstairs to tidy up.  I got the dressers picked up and the bed made and got out my clothes for today.  When he got to work and checked in we had a nice little conversation.  By that point I was knitting again.  I’d gotten a washcloth almost done the other day and decided I had enough time to finish it before I had to start getting ready.  So I knit and chatted and then did a few things for my mom.  I managed to do my entire morning routine and still get to work a few minutes early.

So far this day is starting out AMAZING.

Josh isn’t doing his normal job today so he’s not able to talk between breaks, but that’s alright.  He had just enough time to let me know so that I wouldn’t think he was ignoring me.  I don’t have a whole lot to talk about right now anyway, so I don’t see it as an issue at all.

I’m really hoping that the whole day can stay good and that the weekend turns out decent as well.  I’m really not looking forward to the visit with the brat, but I think I have a way to get around it.  If I can get the heel of the sock turned at lunch today that means very easy knitting for the rest of it that I should be able to finish this weekend.  I can just tell Josh that this is what I want to do and hopefully he and the brat can find something to do to entertain themselves.

The mood is actually really good right now.  The only thing on my calendar today is that one short presentation this afternoon.  I’m guessing that my boss will come up with lots of things she wants me to do to get ready for next week, so I’m not going to even try to get involved in any of my own stuff.  It’s just less frustrating that way.

But really, I feel rested, I feel motivated, I feel loved…  In general I’d say I just feel GOOD and that’s a beautiful thing.  I might pop in again this afternoon with an update, perhaps a pic of the sock, just depends on how things go.  If I don’t, I hope y’all have a good weekend.

meh

Tags

life, love, work

Ok, so maybe I was being a tad bit fatalistic this morning.  The day, so far, hasn’t sucked quite as bad as I had feared it would.  Yippee?

I did end up talking to Josh this morning, briefly.  He apologized again for pushing me away.  Evidently I had tickled him and that’s the default “I’m half asleep and something just tickled me” move.  The important thing is that he apologized.  And he apologized for being hard to get up.  Notice the apologizing?  Yeah, me too.

So he’s been keeping me company off and on all day, which has truly been lovely.

I’m just starting to get tired, really fucking tired.  My shift at the lab this morning involved helping only one person.  The rest of the time I sat there in a very quiet room with nothing but my laptop and phone for company.  Being inactive like that seems to wear me out faster than being super busy for some reason.

Today is my mom’s birthday and I just found out that my sister and her clan will be joining us for dinner and cake.  Just what I want after an 11 hour day at work – quality time with toddlers.  Can someone just shoot me now?

confused

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, love, mental illness, sleep, work

Yesterday ended up turning out really well.  Like amazingly well.  Both at work and at home.

Josh started saying really nice things to me after lunch.  Like sweet, flirty things.  I thanked him and told him how much that means to me.  Then when he got home he did all of the chores for me – ALL of them.  So I came home to a clean house and a hot meal and there was nothing for me to do but relax.  It was well and truly amazing.  I went to bed early because I was exhausted from working 11 hours.

I woke up this morning at 4am and felt great.  I was rested, my body felt good, my brain felt terrific.  I got up and drank my mocha and had a cigarette and started working on the sock.  When Josh’s alarm went off I got back into bed to snuggle with him for a few minutes.  That was great until I tried to kiss his neck.  He jumped back and pushed me away.  I got hurt.  So I got up and started knitting again.

His alarm kept going off and he was having no part of it.  I tried gently to wake him and again he pushed me away.  I gave up.  I decided that if he was going to be grumpy to me I was just going to leave him alone.

When the time finally came that he really needed to get up he did.  He got dressed and then tried to give me a kiss.  I wanted nothing to do with him.  He yelled at me and stomped off upstairs.  Like an idiot I followed him.  I told him about pushing me away and he gave me the snotty apology again.

When he got to work he apologized for being difficult to wake up.  I told him that all I had wanted was to give him kisses, but that it was ok because I’m sure someone out there wants my kisses.  He claims that he does.  I told him not to worry, go have a good day, I’ll talk to you when I get home.  He insists that he’ll talk to me on break.

I don’t want to talk to him.  I told him I’m not arguing with him today, and I’m not.  I just can’t do this.  One day you’re super good to me and the next you’re shoving me away?  I don’t think so.

I was polite enough to let him know that I’d made it to work, but I’m sure he’s going to punish me by not saying anything until his break time.  But come break time, I won’t be talking.

I know I’ve mentioned that this is our busiest time of year.  The next several days are actually the busiest.  This morning I have to go over to our new lab and handle drop in training for 4 hours.  That 4 hour span covers both of his first breaks.  I had every intention of telling him about this last night, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk and I was so tired I could barely form a complete thought.  And of course now he’s ignoring me.

Two can play that game.

The mood yesterday afternoon was awesome.  I felt really good about how things were going, I felt loved, I felt virtually on top of the world.  Now I feel miserable.

And starting next week we’ll be having to staff this new lab, which means a rotating schedule.  I won’t be in my regular office, I won’t have my normal tools, and my regular daily routines will be fucked.  Fortunately I picked a schedule that should (hopefully) minimize the disruptions.  I’ll be working there Thursday afternoons from 2 – 4 and then Friday from 9 – 3.  What I’m really hoping is that this means I’ll get to start leaving work at 3 on Fridays.  It’s still going to suck, but I’m hoping leaving early helps make it suck a little less.