Josh is out on the floor and can’t talk. This shouldn’t be a big deal. However, he spent the bulk of his break bitching about his job, which always puts me on edge. And then I got dismissed. I just love that. So now I’m good and crabby and I’ve had to take a Klonipin. Not working so far.
I’m pretty sure he has his phone turned off, which is always lovely. What’s going to be really lovely today is that if he hasn’t texted me before going on break, I’m going to turn mine off, too. Two can play this game and I have every intention of winning it today. I also have no intention of making his sandwich or coffee or making any of the other things I said I would for Christmas, for him or the brat. Fuck the both of them. I knit for the people I LOVE, not for them.
I’m just really very frustrated. I had hoped that this morning would be good since things were fine when I left home. He even went so far as to tell me this morning that we’d have a good day. Yeah, that’s what I get for listening to him. More empty promises.
I think if I can just get to lunch and get some knitting done that I’ll feel better. Being productive will do that for me. So now I’m trying to figure out if there are small things I can do for work that will help get me some of that productive feeling again. I’m fairly certain I’m not ready to jump back into the class. That requires some hardcore focus which I just don’t have right now. However, I bet I can get that this weekend. So I am seriously considering coming in on Saturday and doing this work then. I know my boss doesn’t care when it gets done as long as it does. And that would give me an excuse to get away from the two of them for at least several hours. I’m really kind of digging that idea.
It’s not like he ever does anything to help make sure that I have a good day at work. All he wants to do is bitch about his job and the people he works with. Or he bitches about school.
Last night when he got home I had this whole romantic thing going – the room was dark except for a bunch of candles. I was waiting for him in bed, just ready to snuggle etc. All he wanted to do was talk about how his class had gone. Seriously? I’m ready and waiting and you want to rehash your math class? Fuck that. What that tells me is that he really doesn’t appreciate the things I do to try to make life run more smoothly for us, so why should I try? Nope, won’t be doing that again. As far as I’m concerned at this point, we just flat out won’t be having sex anymore. See how he feels about that.
I just don’t feel like I really care about him anymore. Like if he lives or dies makes no difference to me right now. I keep thinking I really would be happier without him in my life. I know I’d be happier without that fucking brat in my life and since they’re sort of a package deal I have to get rid of him first. Might just have to work on that tonight.
The really frustrating thing right now is that I’m having a borderline episode and there is damn near nothing I can do about it. I took the Klonipin and I’ve been taking my regular smoke breaks and trying to focus a little on my breathing while listening to some relaxing music, but that’s about it. I’m at work so my whole arsenal of “distract” skills is virtually useless. Right now I’m just counting the minutes until I take another smoke break. And then it’ll be almost time for his lunch. And then I guess we really see what happens.