I wouldn’t say it’s really getting any easier, but I’m hanging in there. I figure if I can stick with this for a whole 7 days I should be in the clear. Here’s hoping.
Things last night were interesting. He had already started dinner by the time I got home, which was kind of nice. Before he left we had a few tense words though. He claims that he’s still just on the defensive after this weekend and that’s what’s wrong. I don’t buy it. I finally told him that I’d spent all day yesterday thinking about divorcing him. He didn’t seem surprised. He asked me if I still felt that way and I said that I wasn’t sure. And really, I’m not. When he’s not around I want to make sure he’s never around again. When he is around I’m terrified of losing him. I am well and truly confused.
We didn’t end up having sex last night and I’m really glad. We talked instead and I think that was better. I told him that we can try tonight when he gets home from school, but that he really needs to flirt with me today. He claims that he was trying yesterday and I just wasn’t paying attention to it. I really doubt that, but whatever. His idea of flirting must be really different than mine.
I did make myself an appointment with the therapist. I’ve decided I don’t really care how much it costs, I really need to get some input from a third party who can be objective about all of this. My appointment is next Thursday afternoon. I’m not telling Josh I’m going. I told him over the weekend that I was going to be doing it, that’s good enough.
I didn’t knit much last night. I worked on the sock for about an hour and then decided I was just too fucking wore out. I laid in bed and watched tv until Josh got home. Then we talked and snuggled a bit and I agreed to take a shower with him. It was kind of a late night since he didn’t get home from class until after 8, but I feel fairly well rested today.
The stress from all of the shit with Josh is really making me question the decision to quit smoking NOW. I know I need to quit, I already feel better physically, but the stress is just about enough to kill me. I know that the cigarettes are just a crutch and that I need to develop better coping skills. HOLY FUCKING HELL THIS IS HARD. And Josh STILL isn’t asking me about it. I asked him yesterday at dinner why he doesn’t ever ask about it and he said he doesn’t want to harass me. I told him that by not asking he’s making me think it’s not important and that he just doesn’t give a shit. One of the text messages he sent me last night before class said that he’s proud of me, but that’s been it. I really doubt he’ll say anything today.
The mood is still pretty terrible. I’m sad most of the time and tired. Even knitting doesn’t seem to cheer me up. I think part of it is that I’m dreading the coming weekend. I have no idea what to expect and so I’m feeling very guarded. I want it to be good, I really NEED it to be good, but I’m just afraid it will be terrible again. And I’m fairly sure if it is, that will be the end.