I mentioned yesterday that I wasn’t going to tell Josh anymore that I love him. It’s a total lie, so why should I? I did that to him again at last break and he freaked out on me, completely. I finally said it just to shut him the fuck up. Now I’ve decided that since it’s so easy for him to lie to me about the drinking, it’s going to be easy for me to lie to him about loving him. It’s cruel, which is probably why I like it.
Last night was interesting. He left before my mom and I had dinner because he wanted to talk to his math teacher about getting more help. Mom and I had dinner and did the evening chores and then she went to my sister’s house to watch my nieces while my sis went to something at church. I ran a load of laundry and got a sock started for myself. When Josh told me he was on his way home I got into bed and started reading.
As soon as he got there he started in on me about having sex. I told him I really wasn’t in the mood, particularly not after what had happened Sunday night. He insisted it would be better and that I just HAD to give him a chance. Whatever. To avoid another temper tantrum I gave in. And of course it wasn’t working yet again. He blamed me and told me I wasn’t into it enough. So we tried something else and it finally worked. I am so sick of him doing this to me though. Tonight there will be no sex. I find nothing about him attractive anymore. I have to either close my eyes or look somewhere else while we’re actually doing it. If I look at him I feel ill.
He’s got 2 weeks of school left, counting this week. I think he gets a short break the week of Thanksgiving. I’m starting to think that perhaps Thanksgiving weekend would be a good time to get rid of him. He’ll have gotten the rest of his financial aid money by then so I’ll have my money back, he asked for Friday off work so he’d have a 3 day weekend to get his shit out of my house, and my uncle will be in town so if I need an enforcer, I’ll have one. Yes, sounds like an awesome idea to me. Plus, that’s the next time we’d normally get the brat and really, the very last thing I want is to have to ever see that kid again.
Speaking of money, I knew about when he’d be going to the bank yesterday so I logged into his account and the very minute I saw that money get deposited, I yanked what he owed me for books out of there. I plan to pull the deductible money the same way when he deposits the next check.
He’s still kissing ass, and I’m still not believing that this is legitimate change. I told him on Sunday that while I appreciate the things he’s been doing, if he can’t keep up with doing things to help me then he might as well not even bother. I don’t want someone to kiss my ass every now and again, I want someone who’s willing to help me out on a regular basis and share the burden of running a marriage with me. I really don’t think he is.
I have my next therapy appointment tomorrow afternoon. I need to talk to T-bone about the best way to get Josh out. I’ve tried, kind of half assed, and it just isn’t working. I need to figure out the best strategy for this. Plus I need to figure out how to not bring another loser into my life. All of the guys I’ve been with since I left my second husband have been complete wastes of space. I need to figure out why I keep doing this to myself and start doing something different. And I need to learn to recognize the losers earlier, like before I decide to sleep with them.
I really do think I’ll enroll in my PhD program once I get Josh out of the picture. For one, I’ve been saying for awhile now that I want to do that before I turn 40. For another reason, it should help keep me busy enough that I don’t go looking for another loser. And finally, the best revenge you can get on an ex is to live your life just the way you want to and be happy doing it.
The mood is still really weird. I’m pretty well feeling like I’m over Josh. The annoying things he does don’t really bother me anymore. I’m betting he sees this as him winning the battle. What he doesn’t realize is that it means he’s completely lost the war. I just very literally don’t give a shit about him anymore. I’m being pleasant to him most of the time because it simply takes less energy, not because I want to be nice to him. And I’m not starting fights anymore not because I’m trying to keep the peace, but rather because I’ve finally learned that fighting with him does absolutely no good. He’s simply not worth the effort anymore.
He keeps thinking that everything will just magically be better when he gets done with these classes, and I’m still failing to see the logic of that. He’ll start another set of classes a week or so after that, which means a whole new set of issues to deal with. He claims that these classes won’t have as much homework, so he’ll have more time to spend with me. Whatever. I really am sorry I talked him into going to school. He obviously doesn’t have what it takes to do a whole certificate program, let alone a degree.
I really am going to try to go it solo for awhile. I need to figure out who I really am on my own and what I want to do with my life. I’ve been with some guy since I was 13 years old. I’ve never been truly on my own before. I need to give myself some time to grow into being my own person. Maybe I really don’t need a guy at all. I’ll never know if I don’t try.