After lunch yesterday I spent the entire rest of the day kissing Josh’s ass. I lied to him about everything I could think of and said every sickeningly sweet thing I could come up with. When I got home he told me what a great day we’d had together and how good it was to “have his wife back.”
All of my beautiful sarcasm was completely wasted. But that’s ok. I’m lulling him into that false sense of security just like I told you I want to. He started kissing my ass last night, even going so far as to stop at the campus bookstore and buy me a card last night. Really, a card? Ever heard of “too little, too late?” That’s alright, let him think he’s winning me back. It’ll make my leaving him that much sweeter.
I even went so far as to tell him that the reason I’m still going to go to therapy is so that I can learn to be a better wife. Do you believe that shit? Apparently he did.
So after doing all of that yesterday, and having a fairly pleasant day for a change, I learned some important things about this relationship.
- He will never be the one to make an effort first. If I make an effort, he’ll follow. He’ll never lead.
- He EXPECTS this kind of treatment, all the time. He thought we had a great day and that it was because of him.
- Making him happy takes a colossal effort, one I am not willing to put forth on a regular basis.
- I really and truly do not find ANYTHING about him attractive anymore, including his blue eyes.
- I don’t trust a single fucking thing that comes out of his mouth.
I’m done. I looked at the calendar again and realized that we don’t have the brat Thanksgiving weekend, it would be the weekend before. So I’m trying to figure out how to make myself scarce that weekend and then kick him out over Thanksgiving. Seems like the perfect time. I just have to be patient and wait to get there.
There is a part of me, a really tiny part, that thinks maybe he really would be able to keep up with taking better care of me and maybe he deserves yet another chance. I keep trying to remind that part about all of the times he’s lied and the times he’s hit me. I’m all about second chances, but this is getting ridiculous. I don’t know. I guess I kind of feel like in some way I owe him one more shot since he’s probably given me way more chances than I deserve. But really, at what point do you draw the line and say enough is well and truly enough?
And THIS is why I’m going to therapy. I need help sorting all of this shit out. One minute I hate him and want to hurt him, the next minute I think he’s the best thing since sliced bread and I’m the luckiest woman alive to have him. It’s like the very worst case of not being able to make up your fucking mind ever. I tell myself that he has NO REDEEMING QUALITIES and then the brain kicks in with “yeah, but what about the time…” Seriously, it’s killing me.
I’m still not smoking and I’ve taken I think 1 Klonipin this week. It’s hard, but I’m doing it. I’m really kind of glad that I quit smoking when I did – I think if I hadn’t I may well be up to 2 packs a day by now. And the smoking really is a crutch. He doesn’t see it that way I don’t think, but it is.
I am starting to feel stronger, like I really could go this on my own. My mom and I talk about it in the evenings while he’s at school. She’s told me that *I* am welcome to keep living there with her as long as I like. If I intend to keep Josh, we’ll need to move out as soon as we’re able to afford it. I really do enjoy her company and could see living there with her for awhile, particularly while I’m working on my degree. I’m sure eventually I’d want to get my own apartment or house, just because I’m fairly sure eventually I’d want to get a boyfriend again.
I really do think if I do get rid of Josh, WHEN I get rid of Josh, that I should stay single for awhile. As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve never really been single. There’s always been some guy that I’ve been involved with that’s had a hand in shaping who I was at the time. I need to figure out who I am on my own and what the real Erin looks like. Who knows, maybe under all of these layers of protection I’ll find I’m a skinny blonde who likes to jog. I’ll never know if I don’t try.
The mood is so fucking weird lately that I don’t know if I could even put any kind of labels on it. I’m confused, I’m hurt a lot of the time, I’m mentally exhausted, I don’t really feel like my emotions could possibly be my own, and even though I am often literally surrounded by people who love me and want to help me I have never felt more alone in my entire life. No one can make up my mind for me, and right now that’s really what I need – to simply make up my fucking mind. But this is big, life altering stuff. How do you simply make up your mind on a decision that will impact the rest of your life?
My first divorce was easy – it was his idea. All I had to do was sign some papers and it was done. My second divorce was a mutual decision – we both came to the realization that we weren’t really good for each other anymore and it was time to move on. No hard feelings what so ever. This? I just don’t know.
Josh keeps insisting that things will be better soon. What if he’s right? Does he even deserve a chance to be right? After all of the bullshit he’s pulled and the terrible things he’s done to me over the last few years, do he deserve an opportunity to win this war?
I just don’t know anymore.