Ok, so maybe not manic, but I do feel better. Sort of.
Josh and I finally had a real honest to god talk last night when he got home. He talked, I talked, I cried, we hugged, we connected. I told him about how I’ve been looking for signs and then ignoring them. He told me if he had really been ready to be done with me that he’d have taken his school money and left. I told him that now I think I’ll just wait until my heart tells me it’s time and stop listening to everyone else who tells me how terrible he is.
I know he’s terrible. I married him knowing full well that he’s terrible. I just can’t seem to help that I love him in spite of that.
We had a pretty decent evening. After dinner we spent some quality time together and had the best sex we’ve had in ages. I think because of that I slept better last night that I’ve slept in a really long time. I feel pretty good about where we left things when I went to bed and I feel pretty good about today so far.
I have managed to finally finish that load of laundry and get it put away, I made the bed, tidied the bedroom and office area, took the trash out, and checked my email. I also brewed myself some tea for later today and got out my clothes. In a bit I’ll need to get in the shower and then head off to see T-bone. After that I’m off to Gemma’s.
I’m sitting here with my sun lamp on, writing to you, enjoying the smell of a burning candle, and listening to the quiet sound of a purring cat. This is precisely what I needed this morning.
The moods have done truly bizarre things lately. Friday had seemed fairly good until I couldn’t get Josh to stop drinking. Parts of Saturday were nice – pedicure time with Mom is always good. There were a few moments with the brat on Sunday that were tolerable. Last night was good. I just really seem to be super rapid cycling lately and it’s exhausting. And I have no frame of reference for whether or not a non-mental woman going through a similar situation would have the same kind of extreme mood swings. I’m sure it’s probably not uncommon to be both happy and sad during the same day, but is it normal to be maniacally happy one minute and ready to shoot yourself in the head 5 minutes later? I’m guessing not.
I suppose if I had to limit myself to a single descriptor right now it would have to be discontented. I’m not satisfied with much of anything anymore, and that seems to be in spite of the things I’m attempting to do to change my situation. Things may be alright for a span of minutes or sometimes hours, but then inevitably something happens – one of us says something or doesn’t say something or does/doesn’t do something – and all hell breaks loose and we’re right back to wanting to tear out each others throats.
I guess it’s good that we do still fight. I’ve told Josh that when he’ll need to worry is when I don’t bother pushing buttons to get his attention anymore. When I just walk off and get quiet, that’s when it gets dangerous for the relationship.
If I’m to be perfectly honest, I’m probably just about there.
We’ll see how this week goes. I’ve told him that I really need some time to relax and do my own thing. I need him to be good to me. I need him to show me, without spending any money, that he loves me. I need to know he’s really trying to do his part.
I’ll know when it’s time. The clock is ticking.