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I don’t talk too overly much about my life before Josh.  There’s plenty to tell, and some if it is over on the book site, but some of it hasn’t been dredged up in awhile.  I’ve got a little to share today.

As y’all know by now, I’ve been married 3 times.  My first marriage is not really worth talking about.  I was way too young and did it for the wrong reasons.  For all I know Mike is dead and buried somewhere and the thought of that doesn’t trouble me one bit.  However, I was with Rob for more than 10 years and I do still think about him.  I actually talked to him today.  That’s why I’m writing this.

I met Rob when I was 21.  I was drinking and partying as often as possible while still trying to maintain good grades in college.  We had a whirlwind love affair and married less than a year later.  I was in the throes of my diseases and no one knew.  He was as good to me as anyone could be, indulging my every whim and covering for me when I royally fucked up.  He took me to the hospital when I was first diagnosed and visited every day, every time I went in while we were together.

After I finally got my shit together, we separated.  I’d done terrible things to him and he wasn’t interested in taking care of me any longer.  We parted as friends.  My world devolved and I ended up back in the hospital with several suicide attempts.  I made a series of terrible life choices.  I finally filed for divorce nearly 2 years after we separated.  We continued to talk off an on.

I met Josh the day before I went to court for the divorce.  Once Josh was in the picture, Rob was out.  I’d have random sporadic contact with him, but nothing like before.  After awhile I stopped trying because it only seemed to frustrate me.

Earlier this year Rob got sick, like deathly sick.  He spent 2 weeks in the hospital and then another 4 months at home recovering.  I didn’t find out any of this until a random post on Facebook from a mutual friend asking how he was doing.  I finally caught up with him today.

Heaven help me, I still love him.

I’ve always known this, but talking to him just proved it.  He was polite and pleasant and had lovely things to say.  I asked him if there was anything I could do for him.  He asked for a new hat.  Rob has always been bald; he shaves what little hair he has.  His head was always cold when we were together so I made him a collection of crocheted beanies.  He’s down to his last one.  So now I have at least 1 more Christmas gift to make.  But it’s the least I can do.