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I am so fucking over this bullshit.  Josh did some really nice things for me this afternoon – he started his coffee, made us both sandwiches, emptied the dishwasher, and got pills.  All lovely things.  He’s not usually prone to doing lovely things so I got suspicious.  I asked him about it and started a bit of a row – nothing major, just some upset-ness.  We got that taken care of and things seemed to be alright.  I told him I’d like to go out to dinner Friday night after his ultrasound appointment but only if we could go somewhere that he wouldn’t be too tempted to drink.  He got all defensive and asked me if he wasn’t ever to drink again.

HELLO ASSHOLE, THAT’S WHAT GET SOBER OR GET OUT MEANS!!!

And of course since we were right in the thick of it, he had to leave to go to school.  I sent him a text and told him to decide – it’s either me or the booze.  He claims that he’s chosen me.  I do not buy that for one single second.

I’ve got a splitting fucking headache now.  And I’ve no idea when he’ll be coming home.  If he gets into the class then it’s possible that he won’t be home until after 11pm – the class is scheduled until 10:50.  Neither of the classes he had last term ever ran the full length, but these are actual welding classes so this time they might.  Not entirely sure I can deal with this, particularly not tonight.  So while I”m all for him continuing his education and all that, I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t do this class this term.

I hate that he can get me so fucking twisted.

Am I being unfair?  Is it really unreasonable to expect an alcoholic to never drink again?  Am I doing the wrong thing by trying to keep his disease in mind when I plan our activities?

No, I really don’t think so.

But now I don’t know what to do.  If he doesn’t get home at a reasonable hour this will drag into tomorrow.  My work schedule tomorrow is terrible, I’m in meetings and appointments damn near all day.  And then I have therapy right after work and a hair appointment after that.  Are you fucking kidding me?

Hmm, perhaps it’s not quite as bad as I had thought.  He just made it to campus and sent his usual “i’m here, I love you” message.  I think perhaps he’s just balking still.  He doesn’t like the idea of anyone telling him what to do – he never has – and this has cost him some relationships and some jobs.  What can I say, he’s an Aries and he’s got the full measure of stubborn that comes along with that.

I’m still not terribly pleased with him.  He stomped off without telling me he loved me and only a cursory kiss.  I suppose I can forgive him this once.  I just wish he could see this from my eyes – how I see him dying every time he drinks.  How I worry about the damage he’s already done to his body with all of the years of constant alcohol abuse. How I see a man with so much untapped potential just drinking his future away.  How I see a little girl growing up never knowing her father.

Did I mention that I have the MOTHER OF ALL FUCKING HEADACHES?!?!

I guess I’ll go take a Fioricet, smoke one last cigarette, and scrounge some dinner.  I might not be back in the morning, depends on how things go.  I’ll catch back up with y’all when I can.