gone

Tags

grief

my beautiful baby boy

That’s Galahad.  I rescued him as a kitten when Rob and I first moved in together.  He was my constant companion until Rob and I split in 2008.  He moved with Rob to Kansas.  I got a text this morning that he finally passed away.  Even though I haven’t lived with him in over 4 years I still miss him terribly.  He was my special baby boy.

ayup

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, kids, knitting, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness

Here I am, alone.  He and the brat are upstairs watching cartoons.  I don’t like the cartoon shows they have on tv, so I’m not taking part in that.  I tried to go to the grocery store but I’ve been informed that I need to wait until the brat is gone.  I have no idea why, but I’m supposed to wait.  What the fuck?

I started a new shrug for myself this morning.  I hope it turns out good.  It’s a really pretty teal mohair and I’m going to incorporate beads into the sleeves.  Mohair is kind of a pain in the ass to work with, but so far I’m enjoying it.  I decided it really was time to get back to making things for myself.  Besides, that lousy bastard doesn’t deserve another mitten.

I’m still grumpy cuz he’s still being a bastard.  He thinks he’s getting sex this afternoon.  WRONG.  I want nothing to do with him.

And really, he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with anyone else.  We haven’t done anything since the brat has been here besides watch tv.  Last night it was a movie, today it’s cartoons.  We haven’t done any craft projects or really anything.  And he’s content with this.  Truly a terrible father.

I guess I’ll hide down here and knit all day.  God knows I’ve got plenty of other things I should be doing, but if he’s doing nothing, then so am I.

The mood is shit, pure and utter shit.  I’m feeling a borderline episode coming on and there he sits, glued to the tv and his fucking Nook doing NOTHING.  Why in the name of all that is holy am I still with that piece of shit???

I really don’t want to get any alcohol for tonight.  I can’t even begin to imagine what tonight holds in store.  He hasn’t really gotten drunk in awhile now and I’ve pretty well gotten used to having him sober.  But I know if I tell him that he can’t drink tonight that he’ll just go behind my back and do it anyway.  Better to have it out in the open and know what’s going on than to have him sneak off in the middle of the night.

Maybe I should just make my stand and go to the store anyway.

again

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, love, mental health, mental illness, sleep

I woke up shortly after 5am, alone.  I wasn’t sure where he was.  After a few minutes he came back to our room, reeking of smoke.  He told me he’d had to use the bathroom and went to smoke.  I asked why he didn’t wake me up, he said he didn’t think I’d want to be awake this early.  Uh huh…

No kisses, no “i love yous,” really nothing so far.  I’ve been waiting for 2 years for him to wake up before me so that he could wake me up in the sweet way that I always wake him up.  Nope, ain’t gonna happen.

I’ve got a fuck load of things to do today.  I only have today and tomorrow and then on Wednesday I have to go back to work.  I’m not exactly looking forward to it.

I did finish my pair of socks last night…

Make Believe Socks

I think they look lovely.  Now I really need to finish the other mitten for Josh and get started on some more socks for Mom.  One of the things I need to do today is order some yarn for more socks.  I have to do it today so that I don’t blow my plan of not buying yarn in 2013.

The moods had been holding fairly steady.  This morning has changed that though.  I’m grumpy and I don’t really want anything to do with anyone.  And I’m really not looking forward to him getting drunk tonight.

i’m sorry, what?

Tags

christmas, kids

We have the brat today.  This is the first time we’ve seen her since before christmas.  She gave me a present – purple rose earrings and a necklace.  They’d be appropriate for someone her age, but not someone my age.  I gave her a hug and thanked her and promptly put them away.  I’ll never wear them.  She gave Josh nothing.  How incredibly fucked up is that?

spunk, I haz it

Tags

alcohol, life, love

I feel pretty, oh so pretty…

What you can’t see in this shot is how pretty my hair turned out – simply lovely.  Josh cleaned up real nice tonight and we had a really good time. Two cocktails each, which I thought was plenty.  He’s a good boy sometimes.

crazy day

Tags

bipolar disorder, crochet, friends, life, love, mental health, mental illness, normal

Today is my boss’s son’s wedding.  Josh, Mom and I are all going.  At 9am Mom and I are going for manicures and pedicures.  At 11:30 we’re having our hair done.  At 4:15 we’ll have to leave for the wedding since it’s clear across town and I’m not entirely sure where we’re parking.  This will be a crazy busy day.

Yesterday I got to spend some time with Gemma.  We crocheted and talked for a bit and then I took her out to get her nose pierced.  This is something I’ve always considered having done, but I’m kind of too chicken shit and I’m afraid it would look totally wrong on me.  Gemma took it like a trooper and it looks perfect on her.  After that we went and had lunch at Perkin’s – complete with pie – and then went to Hallmark to get a wedding card.  It was a very enjoyable day.

I got Rob’s first hat done and the second almost done.  I”m going to work on it some more here in a few minutes.  I need to have them both complete by Wednesday when I go back to work so I can put them in the mail.  It feels good to be making progress.  The other day I had Josh and my mom pick out more sock yarn from Knit Picks.  I’m getting all kinds of stuff lined up to do next year.

The moods still seem to be decent.  I got a little crabby with Josh yesterday but we managed to get everything sorted out.  I’m hoping we have a good time at this wedding tonight.  What I’m really hoping is that he dances with me, just a slow song.  He and I have never danced together in public and I think I’d really like that.

way overdue

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award

Back in November, merbear264 of Knocked Over By a Feather nominated me for the Liebster award.  I’ve been meaning to get this posted, but you know how life gets in the way sometimes.  So anyway, here’s my stab at it.  And thanks merbear, it really does mean a lot to me.

There are 4 steps to receiving this award..

1. List 11 things about yourself.
2. Answer your nominator’s 11 questions.
3. Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers and ask them your own questions.
4. Inform your nominees of their award nominations.

Eleven things about me…

1. I have 13 tattoos.
2. I’m about to start working on my second graduate degree.
3. I’ve been with the same employer for almost 12 years.
4. I married Josh after knowing him for less than a year.
5. None of my last names have been more than 5 letters long.
6. I have a large collection of squirrel figurines at work.
7. My favorite flowers are roses and Star Gazer Lilies.
8. I have smoked off and on since I was 12 years old.
9. I can type somewhere in the neighborhood of 80 words per minute.
10. I can’t stand plain coffee, but I love a good mocha.
11. I’ve been writing in some form or fashion since I learned to write.

Here’s the questions from her…

1. Fact or fiction?  I love a good story regardless of whether or not it’s true.

2.What is your favorite animal and why?  I’ve always been partial to cats.  They’re cute and sneaky at the same time.

3. Do you think being rich would make you happy?  Nope, I really don’t.  Being broke doesn’t scare me one bit.

4. Are you bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning, or grumpasauras rex?  It really depends on the morning.  When I wake up I’m usually wide awake and up for the day.  The mood depends on how happy I was when I fell asleep, whether or not I had nightmares, and whether or not Josh wakes up happy with me.

5. What is your favorite dessert?  Tiramisu

6. What is your favorite thing about blogging?  Blogging is therapy for me.  And if anything I have to say makes someone else feel better about their situation or gives them a laugh, I’ve done my job.

7. Do you like reality TV shows?  Absolutely NOT.

8. If you could have lunch with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?  My favorite author – Robert A. Heinlein.

9. What is your favorite breakfast cereal?  I’m not much of a breakfast person.

10. Do you believe that love is all we need?  Yes, absolutely.

11. Chocolate or vanilla? Possibly strawberry?  Chocolate, all the way.

Here’s my problem – I follow lots of blogs and I don’t feel like it would be fair to pick just 11 of them to nominate for this.  (that’s almost entirely why I haven’t done this yet)  So if you’re reading this, chances are I’m following you – consider yourself nominated.  Here’s some random questions from me:

1. How did you get started blogging?
2. What’s your favorite genre to read?
3. Do you express yourself creatively in any way besides writing?
4. What’s the one food combination you love but everyone else thinks is ick?
5. What’s the oddest thing you’ve done while mental?
6. If you could take a single pill and be cured of your disease(s), would you?
7. What has been your favorite gift?
8. Do you have a theme song?  If so, what is it?
9. What’s one thing about you that a stranger would never guess just by looking at you?
10. How did you pick the name of your blog?
11. What do you love more than anything else in this world?

goals for 2013

Tags

goals

Why wait until tomorrow…

These are the goals I set for myself for 2013.

1. Be able to put $25 into savings every month and leave it there.  I put money in my savings account now, but I always steal it right back out.  I need to be able to put it there and leave it there.
2. Get enrolled in the Technical Communication graduate certificate program.  Just waiting on my pay check to get the process started.
3. Work exclusively from my yarn stash.  I have enough yarn to keep myself busy for awhile.  Having said that, I plan to cheat by going out to Michael’s today and getting some yarn with a gift card my boss gave me for christmas.
4. Work on my book at least 2x per month.  This one might be hard, but I’m going to try.  I don’t necessarily need to write a lot, I just need to get back to it.
5. Take better care of myself by taking my vitamins more regularly and exercising more often.  The vitamins are only a problem when I get pills together.  Exercising will be the trick.  We have a treadmill, I just need to get off my dead ass and use it.
6. Start working on christmas presents earlier in the year.  I’m thinking like maybe in July.  I don’t want to find myself in the position I was in this year with scrambling at the end to get things done in time.  No, definitely don’t want that again.

ugh

Tags

bipolar disorder, christmas, goals, kids, life, love, mental health, mental illness, normal, seasonal affective disorder, sleep

The holiday decorations are all put away and the house is basically put back together.  My back is not so good because of this.  I’ve taken some Tylenol to try and help.

I finally got Rob’s hat started properly, I just hope he likes it.  I used to do his hats with all single crochet, but I can’t for the life of me get that to come out right this time.  I’ve resorted to doing this one like I did the ones for the guys for christmas – all double crochet.  It’s looking much better.  I’m hoping to get it and the other one done soon.

Josh and I had kind of a rough time yesterday, and this morning hasn’t started great either.  He’s kind of moody because of the holidays and I don’t seem to have a whole lot of patience for it.  I’m hoping today ends up better.  I know part of this is me making a choice about how I’ll deal with him, I just don’t seem to be in the mood for it right now.  I’m sore and I didn’t sleep well and that’s just not a very good combination.

We have to get the brat again this weekend and I’m not looking forward to it.  We won’t pick her up until after she goes to church on Sunday since Josh and I are going to a wedding Saturday night.  We’ll get her Sunday and drop her off at her mom’s office Monday afternoon.  I have no idea yet what we’ll end up doing with her.  I’d really rather not have her at all.  Josh is a terrible father and I just really have no desire to be a mom.

I’m trying to spend more time with the sun lamp this morning, hoping it helps me sleep better tonight.  The moods still seem to be fairly normal, which is good.  I know I’m a little crabby because I don’t feel well, and I’m trying to compensate for that.  I just need a little time to decompress on my own I think.  I know if I can get some more stuff done that I’ll feel better.

I’ve been trying to think about setting some goals for next year.  I didn’t really achieve all of my goals for this year but I think I made fairly good progress.  This is what the current year looked like:

1. Get my finances back in order.  – Still working on this one, but it’s getting better.
2. Rip out all of the half started projects I have laying about and reclaim the yarn for something else.  DONE
3. Perform a “stuff” purge.  DONE
4. Read a book.  – I started a book, so this counts as DONE.
5. Get better at documenting my knitting/crocheting projects.  DONE
6. Organize my photos. DONE
7. Take more pictures with the camera, not just my phone. DONE

All told I think I did alright.  I’m not sure what next year’s goals should be, but I’m going to think on that for a day or two and see what I can come up with.

holiday happenings

Tags

alcohol, bipolar disorder, christmas, family, friends, kids, knitting, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, skin conditions, sleep

All things considered, it was an awesome holiday.

The really awesome part was that his friend Jeremy came over on Sunday and Josh didn’t drink with him.  Jeremy hadn’t planned on coming over so he didn’t bring any beer with him.  I told the boys if they wanted to make it a special occasion and get some they could, but both declined.  Another unexpected christmas gift.

Josh and I both drank at my sister’s house on christmas eve.  I had half a beer and Josh had 4.  Not bad for him really.  He wasn’t drunk and he didn’t get unpleasant at all.  The only real problem was that he took his Ambien when we got home and ended up sleeping until nearly 10:30 yesterday morning.

Yesterday we finished the last cooking bits and headed over to Josh’s dad’s house.  I took my sock with to work on so I wouldn’t be totally bored.  We had a pretty good time.  The food was about typical for one of their gatherings and the kids were obnoxious as ever.  The gifts were not that great either, but I didn’t expect much.  The boys seemed to like the hats I made them, so that was good.

Today I need to be productive and get some stuff done.  I need to run to the bank, put gas in the Honda, go to the grocery store for lunch supplies and pick up pills.  I’ve already made the bed and taken the trash out.  Josh is back at work for the next 3 days and I really need to do my best to get as much done while he’s gone as possible.

Friday I’m supposed to get together with Gemma again.  I’m really hoping I actually get paid on Friday and not Monday.  Monday is actually the last day of the month, but I’m not sure if they consider new year’s eve to be a holiday or not.  If it is, I get paid on Friday.  If it isn’t, I have to wait until Monday.  I’m hoping it’s Friday so that Gemma and I can go see a movie – Silver Linings Playbook.  It looks excellent.

I still need to make the hats for Rob and finish Josh’s other mitten.  I got the second Make Believe sock for me started the other day and it’s already to the point where I need to turn the heel.  Not sure what I’ll put my time today into.  It would be nice to get at least one of those things completely done before I go back to work next week.

The moods have held fairly stable.  I know I haven’t been spending enough time with my sun lamp lately and that that’s probably causing some problems.  I just don’t seem to be able to remember to turn it on when I’m sitting down here, and it’s not like I’ve been spending a whole lot of time down here anyway.  I have been remembering to take my pills like I’m supposed to.  I’ve got a rash again but I’m positive that this time it really is from that lotion I was using.  I would have thought it would have gone away by now, but it’s still lingering.  Last night I had to take a Melatonin and 2 Benadryl.  I can’t do that when I need to work though – it makes getting up in the morning nearly impossible.

I’m really kind of looking forward to today.  Josh is back at work and my mom just left to take my grandma shopping and then back home.  I’ll have the house to myself for the majority of the day.  Of course I’m going to have to run those errands pretty soon, but still, it’s nice to be on my own schedule for a change.