I told Josh I’m leaving him.
I don’t really think he believes me as all he’s saying is “stop.” Not quite sure what that means, but I’m done. We had a thoroughly nasty fight over lunch and I’m just tired of all this. He says I’m treating him like shit and that it’s all my fault. Seriously? Yeah, it’s my fault he can’t get an erection and that this upsets me. Totally my fault.
I know I’m probably not behaving the best right now, but come on – I’m sort of sick and I’ve got the whole not sleeping thing going on, plus I’ve got the hormones to deal with, and he hasn’t exactly been nice to me lately. I think maybe I’m at least a tiny bit justified in being bitchy. Maybe?
Anyway, I have no idea what’s going to happen now. I really am ready for this all to be over. At lunch he just kept telling me that tonight everything will be fine – his junk will work, we’ll have good sex, it’ll be a good night. But he can’t give any kind of guarantees for any of that and so I want no part of it.
I’m tired of feeling like a goddamn yo-yo, with all the up and then down and then up and then down bullshit. It’s fucking exhausting. I need to be concentrating on my job and my health right now, neither of which I really can concentrate on because of all the fucking drama with him.
I’ve got a call in to the doc’s office to find out just how to taper off the prednisone faster. I need this shit out of my system as soon as possible. I’ve reached the conclusion that there is NO WAY IN HELL I can survive 12 days of this shit.
I’ve been trying to do some things around the office to keep myself busy. This morning I’ve gone through the last year’s worth of a training trade magazine and marked articles that I want to scan and share with my colleagues. There’s also one that I think might be good to share with the faculty. It was kind of mindless but still semi-productive, so I figured it was a worthwhile thing to do. Not sure how I’ll spend the afternoon yet.
The secretary for my therapist is totally worth her weight in gold – she called this morning to let me know that T-bone had an opening on Wednesday after work that she thought I might want. Absolutely! I had one scheduled for next week already, just nothing this week so far. I might feel like it would be ok to cancel the one next week, just not sure yet. I told her to leave both on the books for now.