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None of the things I tried to help me sleep worked.  I was awake almost all night and I feel like shit.  And on top of everything else, it appears I’m having my monthly hormone cycle.  Kill me now.

I’d actually gotten myself to the point where I was looking forward to having sex.  Josh did flirt a little when he got home and we took a shower together.  And then he couldn’t keep an erection.  Seriously?  Isn’t that part of why I went through all the trouble to get him the testosterone?  I realize it takes awhile to work, but it had been a week since we’d had sex, so I guess I just figured it should work even better than usual.  Apparently not.

So now we’re fighting.  Just what I didn’t need on a Monday morning.

I kept crying yesterday, apparently because of the hormones.  I know I’m bitchier than usual, but I don’t really feel like I can control that.  Josh is being super nasty and that never helps.  I’m not sure what to do now.  I sent one last nasty text and now I bet I don’t hear anything the rest of the day.  That’s fine, I don’t really want to deal with that shit anyway.

I don’t seem to itch anymore, which is good.  I just wish I knew if it was because of the allergy pill or because of the steroids.  I’d really like to taper myself off the steroids, but I don’t want to run the risk of this getting worse again.  I just took today’s dose, hoping against hope that taking it earlier will make it a little easier tonight.  I’ve got a total of 12 days of this and I’m not entirely sure I can make it that long.

It seems like all I ever do is talk to Josh and try to explain to him how I feel and what’s going on, but he never really listens to me and he never talks back to me.  I have no idea how he feels or what’s going on his head.  He just doesn’t share those things.  About the only thing he’ll tell me is when I’m really annoying him.  That’s not good.

I’m back to the place where I feel like the best thing to do is remove him from the picture.  And that’s sad because this weekend I had been feeling like we were finally making some progress and getting our relationship back to a good place.  Now…  Now I just don’t know if it’s really worth the continued effort.  It felt like I was finally starting to see a return on the investment I’ve been making the last 3 years, but now I feel like it’s just all going to blow up in my face again.

The mood is terrible.  I kind of feel like I want to cry again, but since I’m at work I don’t really feel like that’s a good idea.  Not really sure what I should do.  I already smoked, and I’ll probably go do that again in just a bit, but I can’t keep hiding out on the dock.  There are things I should be doing, I just don’t really have any energy or motivation.  And I’m already dreading going home.  Tonight will likely be another waste of time for me.  More time spent trying to stuff my feelings and be a good girl when all I really want to do is cry and yell and hit things.

I’m getting really frustrated by ALL of this.  Just when I think things with Josh will get better, something happens with my health to throw us into a tail spin.  When my health gets better, something happens with the relationship.  When something happens with the relationship, my health deteriorates.  It’s a viscous cycle that never seems to end.  I can’t get to the place where I’m both healthy and happy at the same time anymore.

And he never seems to do the “right” thing for me.  Even when I was crying yesterday, he just looked at the tears running down my face and did NOTHING.  He barely touched me, hardly kissed me, and only when I said something did he try to hold me.  I know I’m not all that interested in sex most of the time anymore, but I’d been talking to him about it all day and had seriously gotten myself to the point where I was very much looking forward to it.  And then it failed, spectacularly.  I know I was rotten to him this morning, but I’m hurting.  He knows goddamn good and well that I’m hurting and yet he does NOTHING to make me feel better.

So here I sit, waiting and wondering.  Was the last message I sent harsh enough to finally push him away for good?  Will he even try to contact me again today?  Will I arrive home to an empty room?  Do I even really care anymore?