Josh was kind enough to point out yesterday that we have these same fights over and over again. Every time I get sick, or my meds change, or I have my period – same exact fights. I told him he was free to leave at any time, but he won’t go. I tried talking to him about this at lunch again – pointed out that he does the bare minimum to shut me up and then goes back to his old tricks. I told him I’ve got a solution – I’m just going to start treating him exactly the same way he treats me. His reply? “It’s just never good enough for you.”
No, sub-standard affection is not good enough for me. I give him my heart and my soul every fucking day and it’s just not enough. He claims it is right now, but he always fucking wants more. I’m going to give him more alright – more of what he always gives to me. Terse answers to text messages, stilted conversations on the phone, random anecdotes in the middle of serious conversations, tiny bits of affection that don’t suffice… Yes, I’m going to give him MORE.
Every day I have to suffer through this bullshit I feel like I’m that much closer to getting rid of him. Every slight, every missed opportunity to touch me or kiss me, every harsh tone in his voice, every roll of his eyes, every icy silence when I try to talk to him – it all adds up and leads me to the inevitable conclusion that this whole fiasco is just about to be OVER.
I’m tired of carrying the burden of the finances, I’m tired of carrying the burden of the household chores, I’m tired of carrying the burden of taking care of the brat when she comes over, I’m tired of carrying the burden of arranging all of the medical stuff, I’m tired of carrying the burden of making this sham of a marriage work… I’M FUCKING TIRED!!!
I’ve come to the conclusion that not only does he not love me, but he doesn’t have the first clue what love even is. You don’t treat someone you love like this, you just fucking don’t.