My work life has been good today – I’ve gotten a project started and damn near finished. My love life is in the shitter – I’ve told Josh to leave me alone forever. My knitting project is going well – I got the back completely finished and the sleeve is well under way.
I guess 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.
Josh insisted on calling at lunch. When I didn’t answer he just called again. And again. I finally picked up just to shut him up. I barely talked to him though. I had told him earlier that I didn’t have anything to say and I meant it. I answered when he asked me questions and I grunted at the appropriate places, but that was about it.
Usually when I get in a mood like this he goes for the big guns and starts talking about having sex. For some reason he thinks that’s the answer to everything – fuck her and she’ll be fine. But not today. All he’s said about it is that we don’t have to today and it’s totally up to me. Seriously, if it’s really up to me it won’t ever happen again.
So I guess I stay in this mood for awhile. Fine by me. I plan to go home and put on jammies and knit all evening. He can go fuck himself if he really wants to. I want nothing to do with him anymore.
He’s not texting anymore. That could mean I managed to hurt the feelings he doesn’t really have, or it could mean he’s busy, or – maybe – it could mean that he actually read what I said and is going to leave me alone. Do you really think I could get that lucky? No, me either.
His break is coming up in about 10 minutes. I’m guessing I’ll hear from him then.
I really don’t see this as being the Bipolar though. This feels like a normal shitty mood that will pass when something good happens. I’m just guessing that today the “something good” will have to come from me and not him. I’m thinking if I’m able to make good progress this evening on the shrug and hopefully get some good sleep that tomorrow will be a better day. Really, it has to be a better day.
Every now and then I still get twinges that feel like the Borderline trying to act up, but I’m fairly well able to control it. Much as it pains me to admit it some days, the DBT really did save me. Without the skills and coping strategies I learned from that I’d be lost right now. If anyone reading this has been given a Borderline diagnosis and hasn’t tried DBT, I strongly encourage you to look into it. It’s the only proven treatment for learning to manage this bullshit.
I am kind of puzzled by something that’s been happening for awhile now. My appetite is damn near gone. Most days the only meal I really eat is dinner. If I get hungry during the day I eat something, but I don’t eat like I used to. And I’m not losing weight. As best I can tell I haven’t fluctuated more than about 10 pounds since this started last fall. I don’t know for sure because I don’t ever weigh myself, but my clothes pretty well all fit the same. I meant to ask shrinky-poo about it at my last visit, but it slipped my mind. I’m not trying to lose weight, it just seems like with as few calories as I generally take in that something should be happening. Probably just something else fucked up about my body chemistry.
I’m really kind of pissed – when I saw that dermatologist in the fall she recommended a lotion to use for my dry skin. It wasn’t expensive but I had to ask for it at the pharmacy. I broke down and used it the other day after I realized I was allergic to the good stuff I got from the Body Shop. Apparently I’m allergic to the stuff she told me to get as well – as soon as I put it on I started to itch. So last night I tried something my mom uses on her feet – Aquaphor. It seemed to work, but man is it nasty. It’s basically Vaseline with some other stuff in it. I couldn’t hardly get it to wash off my hands. I might have to run out this weekend and get a tub of it.