Ever catch yourself in the middle of a situation you know you’re not handling effectively and find that you’re powerless to alter the course of events?
Welcome to Tuesday.
I love that Josh is in school and yet, at the very same time, I hate it with a passion. I think it’s essential for him to get this education – he’ll need it if he ever expects to get a decent paying job. However, it takes him away from me and I hate that.
It was worse last quarter – he was gone Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. So far this quarter he’s only gone on Tuesday, which is better, but in some ways worse. It makes me hate Tuesdays and we pretty well always fight. And it’s always my fault.
I started the day thinking it would be different – today I would stay in control of my shit and not start the fight. And then I got horny. No real explanation for it, just kind of out of the blue – “gee, wouldn’t it be nice to have sex today.” Except there’s no time. I don’t generally get off work until 4, Josh has to leave for school at 5 and doesn’t get home until after 9. On a good day I get to see him for maybe 20 minutes before he leaves.
Today I’m getting off at 3 so I can go get the Jeep. I’ll probably still be home around the same time I normally would be. I had thought he was going to pick me up today, but apparently not. He’s got homework to do; homework I suggested he do last night. But no, what the fuck do I know.
So now I’m really good and pissed off. I realize I started this mess, but now I’d like to end it. In a very permanent way.
It strikes me that whenever he wants something, I’m supposed to jump to give it to him. When I need something? Yeah, get up off your dead ass and fucking do it yourself.
This is not a marriage, it’s indentured servitude and I am the slave.
I keep trying to tell myself that by having him gone tonight I’ll have several hours of uninterrupted knitting time. That’s a very good thing. Knitting time = relaxation = good. The problem is that I have to get to the knitting time and it appears it’s going to be an uphill battle the entire way.
So as it stands right now, he’s going to go home, get his books, and leave right away. I won’t see him until tomorrow morning. By which point I should be a raging bitch. Tomorrow will be a fairly close cousin to today in terms of my mood, which means all hell will break loose. I’m so looking forward to this.