Just because I’m broken doesn’t mean I need you to fix me. Sometimes it’s enough for you to stand back and admire the patterns in the cracks with me.
The class this morning went really well. I had just enough headphones for everyone who showed up and there weren’t any technical glitches I wasn’t expecting. The evaluations all said that they enjoyed it and there were some nice comments about how good a teacher I am. Yay!
I didn’t want Josh to call at lunch but like usual he did anyway. It was a pretty stilted conversation. I told him I’m not looking forward to my evening and he said he’d fix that. By having sex with me. Oh yippee, just what I always wanted.
It’s gotten to the point where sex feels like a chore to me – just one more thing to get done before I’m allowed to have my relaxation time. I don’t ever look forward to it anymore and I rarely enjoy it. The orgasm, when I have one, does always put me in a better mood, but it doesn’t seem worth the effort anymore.
It really feels like all I am to him is a sex doll that also cooks and cleans. He rarely spends any time just talking to me. Or I guess I should say, except when we’re fighting, he almost never listens to me. He’s happy to spend an hour bitching about his job or school, but he damn near never wants to hear about what’s going on with me.
That’s fine. He’s not interested, I’m not interested.
I told him yesterday that I won’t fight with him anymore and I won’t. He wants to have sex, fine, we’ll have sex. If I have to paste on a fake smile and pretend to be interested in his advances – such as they are – I guess that’s what I’ll do. I know how to fake this shit, trust me – I’ve gotten real damn good at it lately.
But really, I shouldn’t have to. Having sex with my husband is something I should look forward to, not dread. But how to do that when every fucking day it’s the only thing he wants?
I’m really sorry I took him to get on the testosterone replacement therapy. That shit is making him horny like a teenager and I don’t care for it one bit. If I don’t give him sex, he pouts. Nothing worse than a 40 year old man pouting.
And tonight… Tonight of all nights I have absolutely NO interest in this whatsoever. We have to go deal with his ex wife and her idiot husband and I am just so looking forward to that. The less I have to deal with them and that fucking kid the better off I am. But no, force me into the “step mom” role that I despise so much and expect me to do fucking cartwheels at the prospect of having to have sex before dealing with all that mess.
And I’m a bad wife if I try to put him off. I’m a bad wife if I’m not 100% into it. I’m a bad wife if I don’t come home from a long day at work just creaming myself at the prospect of lukewarm sex.
Ok fine, I guess I’m a bad wife. Leave me alone for 10 minutes.
I guess I’m just really glad that’s over. I don’t think I could handle another day like that any time soon. Hiding is not really my thing, but it felt like the only thing to do given the circumstances.
Things are improved today. Josh and I are getting along as well as can be expected. I got one of the old phones activated for him last night so that he can perhaps talk to me today. The money is back in my bank account. And that bastard faculty member is nowhere to be found. If I can just get through the next 2 days everything should be ok.
I’m teaching this morning, one of my favorite classes. It’s called “Voice Over PowerPoint” and in it I teach people how to put their own recorded voice over the top of a PowerPoint presentation. It’s by far the easiest class I teach and quite possibly the most fun. I always start by telling my students how easy it is and encourage them to call me a liar if it isn’t. They’re always amazed at how easy it really is and how much of an impact it can make.
I love being in front of a classroom, it’s where I shine. I teach more classes than my other 2 colleagues combined. My boss suggested one day that I give up some of my classes in favor of doing other things and I refused. I’d rather be in the classroom or creating new classes than doing any of the other duties my job requires. I’ve always known I wanted to be a teacher.
I’m still a little wore out from all the drama yesterday and I’m not looking forward to having to go to this teacher conference tonight. I don’t really give a shit how the brat is doing in school. Why should I? She’s not my kid or my responsibility. And it’s not as if she spends enough time with us that we could make any kind of difference in how she’s doing in school. Just seems like a colossal waste of time and gas to me. Because of course she lives on the other side of the river, a good 45 minute drive from us. I’ll have to take my pills and a snack with me so that I can take them on time. Total pain in the ass.
The mood is kind of iffy this morning. I’m tired, I don’t really feel that well, and I’ve got 2 more days to suffer through. This morning it almost feels like I’m having my period, which is utterly ridiculous considering I don’t have those parts anymore. But it hurts when I cough or sneeze and I just have this general feeling of discomfort. Perhaps it’s just leftovers from being so stressed out yesterday, who knows.
There are days when I know I handle my shit really well in spite of my illnesses and there are other days when I feel like an utter failure for not being able to handle a little stress. Josh will sometimes tell me that I’m his Wonder Woman, and that’s sweet, but it just puts more pressure on me. I really feel like I should be able to handle absolutely anything that life throws my way, and when I can’t, it sucks worse than just about anything else I can imagine. I know I’m just human and humans have limitations, but I always feel like I have to overcompensate because I am different than most other folks. I really truly feel like I should be able to do absolutely anything and everything, all at the same time, and perfectly.