not doing so well

Tags

kids, knitting, life, love, sex, sick, work

The cold continues to get worse.  I spent most of the night coughing and sweating.  I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t hardly breathe…  It was just terrible.  I’m home again today because of it.  I was supposed to teach this morning but my colleague I normally do this class with said she could cover my part.  I’ve got another class scheduled for tomorrow morning that I’m really hoping I can make it to.  Right now I can’t really talk for more than a minute without hacking.

Things with Josh seem to be going alright.  We actually had sex yesterday when he got home from work and I enjoyed it, which was nice.  He’s been taking care of me, which is also nice.  I just hope I start feeling better soon.

Turns out we won’t get the brat this weekend after all.  Praise ceiling cat!  If we got her this weekend our next weekend would be when she’s having her birthday party and we’d have to rearrange again.  I told the ex that we’ll just wait until next weekend and that should put us back on the right schedule.  So YAY for small miracles!

I’m guessing I’ll probably spend a good portion of my day camped out on the sofa with the sweater.  Josh has already reminded me that I really need to rest today, so I won’t be doing any laundry or other chores, I’ll just take it easy.  But y’all know me, that is so much easier said than done.

sick

Tags

crochet, knitting, sick

I started running a fever so bad this morning at work that my boss sent me home.  I was also sounding like the next time I coughed a lung was going to come up.  I’ve taken some cough syrup and spent my day on the sofa knitting and crocheting.  The shrug for the brat is almost done and I got good sweater progress made.

For Pen…

not on top of my game

Tags

bipolar disorder, kids, knitting, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep

Things with Josh appear to be level again.  We talked for a bit before he left for school and mostly got things sorted out.  After he left I did all of the chores and then sat down with the sweater until Mom got home.  She and I ate dinner and watched some tv until Josh got home at 8.  Last night was his last class so they got done early.

We spent some more time talking and snuggling.  I guess everything is alright now.  Except I still feel like shit.  I didn’t sleep well again last night and it’s starting to catch up with me.  I’m just hoping I can keep my shit together today well enough that we don’t fight.

The sweater is coming along nicely.  I still haven’t taken another pic, maybe tonight.  I just realized I forgot to bring it with me today.  I wasn’t really feeling well this morning at all.  It was so bad I actually got back into bed after I had my first smoke.  Fortunately neither of us was late for work, but it put me off my routines this morning so I forgot.  Oh well, it’s not like I would have been able to finish it over lunch anyway.

I think we’re getting the brat this weekend and I am so not looking forward to that.  I need some time with my husband to reconnect and make sure that things are good before next week, but I’m sure I won’t get it.  I haven’t heard from the ex yet but she might have emailed Josh instead of me this time, it’s hard to say.  I think Josh mentioned something about doing a leather project with her.  I don’t really care what they do as long as they stay the hell out of my way.

The mood is still not super.  I feel pretty drained from the fighting and from not feeling well.  I’m hoping today really does turn out to be a better day.  Here’s hoping.

the waiting game

Tags

divorce, life, limits, love, stress

“Everything will be fine when we get home.”

Right, because an entire day’s worth of bullshit can be resolved with a single kiss.  Tell me another of your glorious lies.  Go ahead and tell me how much you love me again, I never tire of hearing about that bit of utter shit.  Tell me how everything is really just fine.  Tell me how you’re going to call me names first thing in the morning.  Tell me how I can go fuck myself.  Tell me how this is all my fault for being such a bitch all the time.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

So I wait.  I wait for alleged quality time together.  I wait for alleged kisses and snuggles that won’t materialize until after I need them.  I wait for sex that never comes on the days I want it.  I wait.

What I’m really waiting for is the proverbial straw to break this camel’s back.  I can feel it coming, soon.  All of the nasty words, the broken promises, the outright lies – they’re adding up.

He only ever responds to the nasty text messages.  It’s frustrating, oh my god is it frustrating.  If I say something decent it just sits there.  The very minute I let loose with something nasty he’s right on it.  I’m done with this game.  I refuse to play anymore.  I’m a bitch because he’s making me a bitch.

So it’s time to get quiet.  It’s time to stop talking and saying things that just invite the hurt.  It’s time to put all of the raw emotion back in the bottle and not let it out.  It’s time.

welcome to tuesday

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, projects, sleep, work

I feel like dirt, my brain refuses to work properly, and Josh and I are still fighting.  How delightful can things really be.

I’m tired again.  I slept like shit last night.  I couldn’t get comfortable and I kept coughing.  It wasn’t as bad as it was a few weeks ago, but it still wasn’t really enough to make me feel rested.  It appears I just can’t win.

The mood is utter shit.  I’m mad at Josh because he’s not really talking to me at all – even when we were at home last night he hardly talked.  This morning he told me how awesome it is that tonight is his last class for awhile.  Yeah, if a whole week counts as “awhile.”  When the next term starts he’ll be in class 2 nights a week to start and then 4 after the first 5 weeks.  This should be delightful.

I guess the upside is that I’ll have plenty of free time to knit.  I’ve got a million projects I want to get done, so I guess I’ll have time to do them.  And I guess this is a really good thing seeing as I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him right now.

He also told me this morning that he’s going to make sure this week is great.  When I asked him how he planned on pulling that off he said he’ll give me extra kisses and snuggles.  Seriously.  Yeah, cuz that’s going to totally placate me.

I need to get myself into a project here at work like now.  I need to give my brain something to chew on that doesn’t involve testicles.  I’m happiest when I’m busy, and lord knows I’ve got plenty of things I could be keeping busy with.  I just need to figure out where to start and then get on it.

just put me out of my misery

Tags

borderline personality disorder, life, love, moods, tardive dyskinesia, work

So apparently Josh is completely unable to talk except when he’s on break.  Regardless of what nasty thing I’ve said, he won’t get back to me.  Ok, fine.

I’ve been having a borderline episode most of the day because of this.  I said some truly nasty things to him in the process.  Now I’m waiting to see if we’ll even be able to make this right.  Cuz I’m waiting.  Again.

I’m finally coming down with the cold that’s been going around and I’m feeling like dirt.  I keep chewing on the inside of my face because of the TD.  Literally all I have done today is eat, bite myself, and surf.  I’ve been turned on to the time-suck that is Pinterest.  Fortunately there is work related stuff to be found out there – that’s about the only thing that’s saved me today.

I’m going to go home and pretend that today never happened.  None of the nasty things got said, none of the crying happened, none of the hurt feelings.  It just didn’t fucking happen.

oh joy

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad

Let the games begin…

Josh apparently gets 2 10 minute breaks – 9:30am and 2pm.  He gets a 30 minute lunch at 11:30.  He called at lunch and while we were on the phone for close to 20 minutes he probably only spoke for about 5.  All he really said is that he wants to have sex tonight, but not until after we hang out for awhile.  Whatever dude, I am so not in the mood for that shit.

I talked to shrinky-poo this morning and she confirmed that I do indeed have tardive dyskinesia.  She wants me to back the Geodon down to 100mg a night for a week and then check back in with her.  She says I might have to keep backing it down lower until the symptoms of this start to go away.  I’m a little concerned that she’ll have to take me off the Geodon entirely.  I’m sure there’s probably something else I can take, it’s just that the thought of having to switch meds again kind of scares me.

I’m just in a right foul mood and it seems there’s nothing to be done for it right now.  I tried knitting on my sweater before Josh called but that was frustrating as well.  Seems like everything is frustrating today.  I’ve sent some truly nasty text messages to Josh to see if I’d get a response, but so far there’s been nothing.  That’s fine, he’ll get nothing when I get home.

I got nothin

Tags

knitting, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, work

My brain just isn’t having any part of this whole “monday” business.  My routines are all off and I’m not sure what I need to do to adapt.

Josh and I got up and moving this morning at a reasonable time.  I got up at 5 and went and smoked.  He came up right after I came in and smoked one of his own.  I went downstairs and made the bed and proceeded to knit for awhile.  At 5:50 we got in the shower.  At 6:20 we left.  But I forgot to put on perfume and I damn near forgot my pills.  And he just annoyed the hell out of me in the shower.  Not sure I’m going to be able to deal with this every day.

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty decent day.  I made my lotion, got some more laundry done, and got good progress made on the sweater.  I’ve separated the sleeves already.  I think it’s looking really nice.  My hope is to have it done by my birthday.  I’ll try to get another pic taken soon to show y’all.

I have no idea what today holds in store.  I don’t have any meetings scheduled, which is good.  I need to go help someone with their website later today, but I’m going to do that this afternoon sometime.  Otherwise it’ll probably just be cleanup from last week.

The mood is not too bad right now.  I’m a little tired, but I know that’ll pass soon.  I just need to find something to get myself involved in.  I’m excited that Josh started his new job, I really am.  It’s just going to take some getting used to having him home in the mornings with me.

I’m sure I’ll be back later with something slightly more interesting…

a recipe of a different sort

Tags

DIY, projects, skin conditions

As y’all undoubtedly know by now, I have terrible skin.  It’s dry on my legs to the point of cracking and bleeding.  My finger tips split.  It’s terrible.  And I’m allergic to parabens – a very common preservative found in damn near all lotions.  So this morning I was on Pinterest and came across a recipe for really good handmade lotion.  Well, sort of handmade.  Anyway, I decided to use that as a spring board and make my own version.

ingredients

I used 15 oz of baby lotion (paraben free), 2.5 oz vitamin E oil, and 13 oz lavendar and chamomile petroleum jelly.  I combined all of these in the mixer and ran it full speed for a minute.  I ended up with this.

voila!

It’s thick, creamy, smells nice, and makes your skin super soft.

So yay me!  I found a way to turn what had the potential to be a suck ass day into something productive.  I think now maybe I’ll go knit.

 

sunday morning stuff

Tags

bipolar disorder, friends, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, projects, sleep

jewelry

My best friend came over last night with her husband for dinner.  Us girls sat at the table and made jewelry for a few hours.  That pic is what I managed to get done.  She made several pairs of earrings and a necklace.  Everything turned out wonderful.

While we were sitting at the table she asked me about my face.  I haven’t mentioned this yet because it scares me.  She thinks maybe I have tardive dyskinesia.  It’s a neurological thing where your face starts making random pointless movements without you telling it to.  There are many things that can cause this, but in my case it’s almost certainly the increased dose of Geodon.

It’s not noticeable when I’m talking – my face is too busy then to make these random movements.  But when I’m not talking, and in particular when I’m sitting still and thinking, my face goes into hyperdrive.  Mostly it’s my mouth – it moves of it’s own accord.  It’s getting really frustrating.  I know I probably look like a monkey, but until I can back off the dose there really isn’t anything I can do about it.

So tonight I’m doing something about it.  I slept nearly 11 hours last night.  I think that’s close enough to count.  And I’m feeling pretty slow and depressed this morning.  Tonight I’ll take only 120mg of Geodon and see if I’m still able to sleep.  If I am, I’ll do that for a week and then back myself down to the original 100mg dose.

I’m really hoping this works.  I would hate like hell to think that this has become a permanent part of who I am.  I definitely do not relish the thought of being twitchy the rest of my life.

But we had a good time last night, so that was good.  I’m hoping to maybe be able to get together with them again around my birthday.  We all agreed that we shouldn’t wait so long between visits.

The mood has been quite lovely lately.  This morning it feels like it’s about to go downhill though.  Things are not starting so well and I’m a little afraid that the whole day will be like this.