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I never should have answered the phone when he called at lunch.  WHEN WILL I LEARN????

He’s wanting sex again, as soon as I come home from work.  He says he “owes” it to me since he couldn’t get it up Monday night.  No, you don’t owe me anything and I’d just as soon take a pass, thanks anyway.  But no, I’m supposed to come home horny and get right to it.

Nevermind that I didn’t get enough sleep last night and am grumpy.  Nevermind that he’s barely talked to me today.  Nevermind that I just don’t get horny anymore.  Nevermind that I have absolutely no interest in even seeing him naked let alone in touching him.  No, nevermind all of that and let’s just fuck.

I don’t get it.  He knows I’m not that into sex anymore.  He knows I don’t get horny like I used to – hell, I don’t get horny at all.  He knows I’m not having a very good day.  But what he thinks he knows is that sex will cheer me up faster than any drug out there.  And he’s right – if he can badger me into doing it the sex will bring me out of this funk.

What if I like this funk?  What if I’d prefer to let my moods run their course without external alterations?  What if I’m tired of him constantly thinking he has to fix this shit?

I don’t want to run the risk of another spectacular failure.  It just fucking kills me when that happens.  I feel utterly undesirable and worthless and fat and disgusting and like I have no sex appeal at all.  It isn’t usually my fault and I know this in hindsight, but when it happens I just *know* that it’s all because of me and if I was more of a woman it wouldn’t happen.  If I was skinny and pretty and sexy it wouldn’t happen.

I quite literally dread sex anymore.  Even with the fucking Androgel it’s still a crap shoot as to whether or not he’ll be able to get an erection.  Even if he does get the erection he doesn’t always get an orgasm.  And then I feel like a total failure.  I don’t need that right now.  But there are no guarantees in this life and so if I do it I take a chance of having it fail.  I’d rather just not take the chance anymore.

And the fact that he’s barely talked to me today is just killing me.  He’s working on the floor and can’t text between breaks at all.  I get like 5 minutes of his time when he has a break and that’s it.  He generally uses that time to bitch about his job or the weather.  Lunch was more of the same.  The only thing different there was me making the mistake of asking what he wants to do tonight and thus starting the whole unpleasant sex discussion.  Which of course went nowhere.

I don’t even want to go home, and that’s happening more and more often these days.  I just don’t want to deal with it.  And if I don’t want to have sex he makes me feel guilty about it so it’s like it’s just easier to pretend and go along with it than try to tell him no.  But I don’t enjoy it anymore, not at all.  It’s a chore.  I try to get it done and over with as quickly as possible.  But then he pulls this “you gotta have one before I do” bullshit so I end up having to fake an orgasm just to get him to finish and leave me alone.  And then I have to pretend that it was really good and that I’m in this super good mood because of it.

Sex used to be just about the only thing I ever thought about.  Josh and I had sex damn near every day, right after work.  But then I had my hysterectomy and we had to go an entire 6 weeks without sex and I kind of lost my taste for it.  I guess I got him trained to want it every day back before the surgery.  I don’t know.  All I know is that I’m not anywhere near as into it as I once was and he doesn’t seem to understand that.

I really wish he hadn’t talked me into getting him the Androgel.  I know that’s part of what’s making him horny all the time.  In some ways he feels like a teenager again and wants to be able to fuck like one.  Only his dick doesn’t always work and that just fucking kills me.

I don’t know what to do.  He’s off work in 10 minutes and will likely start texting me.  The last thing I told him was to be naked when I got home so that we could hurry up and get this over.  I guess we’ll see how it goes.

Any advice on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.