Just when I think the dust has settled and the smoke has cleared…
Rob updated his profile pic on Facebook this morning. He looks good. No, GOOD. I think he’s wearing one of the hats I made him for christmas. He looks fit and happy and, well, like the man I used to love. Only, heaven help me, I think I still do.
I can’t have this right now, I simply can’t. He’s happy with the life he has and I’m sure he doesn’t need me fucking around with it. I’m finally getting to the point where I feel like I can be happy again and I really don’t need me fucking with that.
I just keep remembering how good he was to me and the awesome times we had together and I really want that again. Will I ever get that with Josh? I just don’t know. I guess I really just need to keep trying.
After the visit with shrinky-poo yesterday I have some things to work on.
- Keep track of the sleep. If I have 2 bad nights in a row I need to call her and we’ll adjust my meds.
- Keep track of the brain speed. If I slow down too much I need to lower the dose. I go from 160mg to 120mg and then finally back to 100mg. My body will tell me when it’s ready for this.
- I need to spend as much time with the sun lamp as my eyes can tolerate. This will help with the sleep.
- Keep track of the mood. Feeling depressed is a bad sign – lower the dose and call her. Feeling manic is bad – up the dose and call her.
- Keep track of the body. Lack of appetite, excess acheyness, difficulty concentrating, excess thirst – all bad, must call.
- No alcohol until I’ve worked back down to 100mg.
- Watch the caffeine. I don’t think caffeine affects me, but she was concerned when I told her how much I typically drink in a day.
I feel like I’m getting back to a pretty decent place. The faster I catch these things the easier it is to bounce back from them. I’d like to hope that eventually I’ll get to the place where this doesn’t happen nearly as often. On the bright side, I haven’t been admitted to the hospital since 2010. That’s got to count for something.
Things with Josh are actually going fairly well right now. Yesterday was good between us, which was nice. All of the drama I had to deal with came from my family and there’s really nothing I can do about that except deal with it.
Josh has an interview this afternoon with a staffing company. This company does direct placements, not day laborer jobs. Hopefully something comes of this soon. This is the second interview he’s been on since last week, which I find encouraging. At least he’s making a real effort this time. I just hope something comes of it. He’s utterly miserable where he is.
My job is going really well. I’ve been able to concentrate and get loads of stuff done. I’m probably still going a little fast, but I’m making it work. I’ve got another project to dive into this morning and I’ve already been thinking about how to attack it. I’m hoping to make some real progress today.
The sleep is still not perfect, but it’s been getting better. I was asleep before Josh got home last night and didn’t really wake up when he got there. I did wake up at 11:30 to use the bathroom, but I fell right back asleep. I got up around 5 this morning and got my stuff done.
Mom’s sock is at the bind off stage. I actually started that this morning but didn’t have enough time to finish. It should only take another 20 minutes or so tonight. I’m thinking I might dive into another pair of socks, I just haven’t decided if they’ll be for me or Josh. What I should probably do is make him another pair of slippers – he’s worn holes in the bottoms of the others. Now that we know where to get leather I’m thinking I’ll have him make soles for these. That should make them last longer.
I really need to make another list of the things I want to get done and start attacking it. I know I posted a list awhile back, maybe I should go see if I can find that and see what else needs to be done. I’m still waiting to hear from Wendy about her color preference so I can’t start on her gift. And I’m still completely clueless as to what to make for Gemma. Maybe Gemma needs socks as well…
I mailed WeeGee’s package yesterday. I can’t wait until she gets it. I really hope the socks fit properly and that she likes the other bits I tossed in. I really like making gifts for people.
The mood is pretty decent right now. I’m a little confused in the heart about seeing the pic of Rob this morning, but I know I can’t go back down that road. Josh is just finally starting to become the man I want and it wouldn’t be fair to just up and leave him for someone else who most likely doesn’t want me anymore anyway.