of meds

Tags

bipolar disorder, knitting, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, when good meds go bad

Thanks to those of you who did the poll.  Looks like we’re split evenly – half of you sometimes miss a dose on accident and half of you routinely purposely skip doses.  Fair enough.

I myself fall into the “might accidentally miss them once in a while” category.  I have only once purposely gone off my meds and it was a total disaster.  Never again.

But why do some of us purposely skip them?

I can only speak for myself here, kids.  When I went off them I wanted to see what would happen.  Things had been going fairly well for awhile and I wanted to see if I could manage without them.  Nope.  So right back on I went.  I know precisely what happens now and I’d rather never have to deal with that again.

I got several comments from folks and it seems like others will skip doses because if they routinely take their meds they can’t function as they would like to.  My only suggestion for that is to try being 100% honest with your psych doc and tell her how the meds are making you feel.  Maybe there’s a different cocktail you can take that will make you feel better.  If you aren’t honest with your doc she really can’t help you.  Try it – it just might work.

I’m not quite as scared this morning as I was Friday afternoon.  If I’m to be perfectly honest, I’ve known this was coming.  It’s a rare thing indeed for someone with bipolar to stay on the same cocktail indefinitely.  Our body chemistry changes, situations change, the practice of psychiatry changes – and all of those changes necessitate changes in our meds.  So I’m trying to roll with it.

It’s been a very productive weekend so far.  I’ve got all of the errands run, the chores are just about finished, I’ve spent some time with the sweater, and I’ve spent a ton of time in the kitchen.  I made my sausage, energy bites, chicken salad dip, a raspberry cheesecake, and I tried a recipe for energy bars.  Still working the kinks out of that one but the first batch was tasty.  This morning before we head out I’m going to try to make banana chips.  I’m trying to get Josh and I to start eating healthier and making my own food is one of the best ways I know of to do that.  I’m not putting us on a diet, but I know that we both need to be getting more fruits, veggies, and whole grains in our diets.  The better we eat the better we’ll feel.

The mood is respectable right now.  I’m starting to sleep a little less since I’m on less Geodon, but it isn’t bothering me yet.  Right now I feel pretty good.  I’m just hoping things go well at Josh’s dad’s house today and that I don’t come home feeling all strung out.  I’m seriously thinking about taking the sweater with me so that I can work on it while everyone is talking.

Have a lovely day kids.

petrified

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, meds, mental health, mental illness, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad

I just got back from my visit with shrinky-poo.  It did not go as well as I’d hoped it would.

She had me sit still for a minute and watched my face and then asked me what all was going on.  I described everything in as much detail as I could and then admitted that it’s actually been getting worse lately.  She’s insisting that I taper off the Geodon, starting tonight.  She says this will only progressively get worse and then it really will become permanent.  And by worse she meant debilitating.

And she had no answers.  At this moment she has no idea what else might work.  The entire class of drugs that Geodon is a part of is now off limits.  That includes Seroquel, Zyprexa, Abilify, and Risperdal.  I can’t take any of those.  She said over the next two weeks she’ll comb through the last five years worth of my charts and note every single med I’ve been on and why I’m no longer on it.  Then she’ll do research to find alternatives.

I’ve already talked to Mom and I’ve asked her to go with for this appointment.  She’s been with me through this entire ordeal and literally knows me better than anyone.  I want her to be a part of this decision.

I’m utterly terrified right now.  I can’t lose the parts of me I’ve just regained, I can’t.  And how fucking frightening is it for your doctor to admit that she has no idea how to treat your disease?

quick recipe post

Tags

recipes

Thanks to everyone who is taking time to do the poll.  I’m finding the results really interesting.  I promise I’ll devote an entire post to it sometime real soon.  Right now I’m trying to make the most of my time before the girls get here.  I ran a load of laundry last night and got it put away already, started another load, queued up the next load, took all the dirty dishes out of our room and put them in the dishwasher, cleaned the cat boxes and added fresh litter, and totally picked up down here.  I’m getting ready to go start a little fun in the kitchen – I’m going to mix up a batch of summer sausage and another batch of energy bites.  Here’s the recipe for the sausage…

Summer Sausage
2 lbs ground meat (I’ve used both beef and deer)
1 C water
1 1/2 Tbsp liquid smoke
2 Tbsp Morton Tender Quick
1/8 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp onion powder
salt & pepper to suit your mood

Mix all ingredients well.  Form into 2 logs approximately 1 1/2″ diameter.  Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate at least 24 hours.  Remove wrap and place on boiler rack in a 300 degree oven.  (I always put water and a little extra liquid smoke in the bottom of the pan.)  Turn every half hour, cooking a total of 2 hours or until the internal temperature gets to 160 degrees.

i haz the curiosity

Tags

meds, mental health, mental illness

Humor me, I’m old and I’m curious.  Just how good are you at taking your pills every day just like you’re supposed to?

let’s get ready to rock and roll

Tags

equality, life, love, marriage, mental health, random shit that falls out of my brain, sleep, work

Welcome to Thursday kids, get ready to rock…

Yesterday was an unmitigated success.  Josh and I got along the *entire* day, I got a fuckload of stuff done, I got my shot and got enrolled in my summer class, and I got really good sleep.  PRAISE THE ALMIGHTY AND FLUFFY CEILING CAT!!!

So yes, I’m ready to take on the world.  Bring it on bitches, I’ll take it.

So far the morning is off to a good start.  I got up at 5, worked 2 rows on the sweater, had a lovely shower with Josh, and I’m feeling fat and sassy.  I’m in the other office today since I’ll be gone tomorrow, but I’m still hoping to be able to get some stuff done.  I feel really good about how things are going.  I just need to get through today and then I have a 3 day weekend coming.  Tomorrow I’ll have my play date with the girls and then go see shrinky-poo.  Saturday we’ll run errands and do chores.  Sunday is easter with Josh’s family and the brat.  Hopefully it’s all good.

Now, I feel a rant coming on…

There’s been a shit-ton of talk lately about marriage equality for homosexuals.  What the fuck is the big deal?  They’re PEOPLE and PEOPLE get married.  Does it really make a difference how they choose to express their love for their partner in the bedroom?  NO, it doesn’t.  Love comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, and flavors.  Embrace the diversity.  If they want to form a legal union with the person they love, fucking LET THEM.  Being homosexual doesn’t hurt anyone else any more than being diabetic hurts anyone else.  It’s just who they are and they deserve to be happy just as much as everyone else.  Why is this even a fucking issue???  Legalize it already and be done with it.  It’s hard enough to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, why make it any harder than it needs to be?  Marriage is supposed to be about love – so let’s let the love flow for our homosexual brothers and sisters.

holy flying squirrels

Tags

life, love

Wow, just fucking WOW.  I didn’t realize just how desperately I needed that.

Today has been phenomenal.  I’ve gotten close to 3 days worth of stuff done, and it was good stuff.  Josh and I have gotten along the entire fucking day.  And I am finally going to make time to go get that shot so they’ll remove my enrollment hold.

WOW.

I had really sort of figured that this morning would be good and then the rest of the day would sort of dwindle back to normal.  But no, it started pretty good and it’s gotten better.  Josh has taken damn near every available opportunity to flirt.  I’ve felt productive and cheerful and just kind of on top of the world.

Hello World, this is Erin in a good mood.  Look out.

just another trip round the emotional roller coaster

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sex, stress, work

*****Trigger Warning – I’m maybe going to talk a little more openly about what happened in the bedroom last night.  I’ll try not to go into utterly disgusting detail, but you may feel a little attack of TFMI.  Mom – don’t read this one.*****

I got home and did the chores as usual.  I actually ended up leaving work a few minutes after I posted because I was done testing and entirely burnt.  I wanted a little time before I had to face Josh.  So I went and did my stuff and then sat down to read for a little while.  I don’t often read, but it definitely relaxes me and that’s what I really needed right then.

Josh came home and we started in at each other, as per usual.  We fought for a few minutes and then I kind of let loose on him.  I told him in gory detail all of the shit that’s been going on at work and how frustrated I am that he doesn’t seem to really be interested in taking care of my needs.  I also told him I didn’t appreciate how he had been so utterly awesome in the morning and then a complete shit in the afternoon.  He just listened and finally said he was sorry.

Then he got up and undressed me.  This is maybe the 3rd time he’s ever done that and the very first where he’s done it without being asked.  He didn’t do a rush job either – he took his time and gave little kisses on the skin he’d just exposed.  Then we stood there kind of hugging kind of touching kind of kissing for a few minutes.  Very little was said, it all just kind of happened.  We did one of the things we generally do to get us both in the mood – touching each other intimately while trying to give me an orgasm.  After I had one he took over and proceeded to give me several more, kind of forcefully – appropriately forceful.  He’s never been an aggressive lover and I’ve often wished he was just a little more so.  Yesterday it was raw and passionate and incredibly intense.

After probably another 5 minutes of that we finally made love.  HOLY FUCKING FLYING SQUIRRELS – words just can’t even describe it.  He pulled out moves I haven’t seen in well over a year.  I made noises I didn’t think could come out of a human mouth.  I felt things I haven’t felt probably ever.  It was literally the very best sex of my entire life.

The rest of the evening was lovely and quiet.  We cooked dinner together, I made milk shakes, we watched a little NCIS with Mom, and then we went to lay down.  We talked a little more, snuggled a little, and I finally fell asleep around 10.  I just didn’t want it to end.

This morning I was really having no part of waking up.  Mom finally had to come down and get me at 5:30.  We both got up, made him a cup of coffee, and smoked.  When we went up to the shower…  Wow.  He started touching me again, very gently and very lovingly.  I absolutely love being hugged from behind, particularly while naked.  The entire morning experience has been wonderful.  He flirted some more when he got to work even.  *sigh*

So now, hopefully, I’m primed to have a super productive day.  I need to clear out my inbox, finish organizing my notes from yesterday, and get to work on the presentation for 4/19.  I really want to have that wrapped up before I leave for the day tomorrow.  I’ve already arranged with my boss to have Friday off so that I can have another play date with my nieces.  I also have an appointment with shrinky-poo Friday afternoon which I’m hoping goes well.

praise jesus and pass the ammunition

Tags

life, love, work

Testing is DONE.  I just put the last notes in my spreadsheets.  Now tomorrow morning I can move on to the next thing, whatever I decide the next thing gets to be.

The afternoon with Josh hasn’t improved.  He wasted most of his last break telling me about the weather – the weather I was standing outside in enjoying.  About the only thing of note he said was that he’s looking forward to sexy time.  Yeah, can’t wait for that shit.

and then again…

Tags

anxiety, life, limits, love, stress, work

I knew that shit was too good to be true.

I’m stressed at work right now.  Because of all the shit that’s been going on with Josh lately I’m behind, like approaching 2 weeks behind.  I’ve got deadlines staring me in the face.  One of them is Thursday morning.  We’re getting ready to upgrade service packs on our course management system and so we’ve been testing everything.  As the primary support person for the system I need to be able to give my recommendation for go/no go at our weekly meeting.  This means going through the *entire* system as both a teacher and a student testing as many features as possible.  It’s time consuming and a little bit nerve wracking.

This morning I was working on a piece that’s been particularly troublesome.  The feature doesn’t work properly on our current service pack and it’s caused huge headaches for some of our profs.  It was allegedly fixed in the service pack we’re planning on upgrading to.  However, it’s acting weird.  I spent the better part of 2 hours this morning trying to track down that weirdness and find what specific set of circumstances made it work/not work.  And of course Josh’s first break took place smack ass in the middle of that.

He started texting me, being all sweet again.  I was very curt because I was literally on the edge of enlightenment.  Needless to say, things did not go well with him and they proceeded to go from unpleasant to downright shitty over the course of the next hour.  He finally called at lunch and that was an exercise in futility.  I explained I had been busy but wasn’t sure how to tell him I needed some time and space without pissing him off.  He apologized and proceeded to tell me all about his pals at work.  He said next to nothing about our date tonight except that he’s still really looking forward to it.  I told him I’d get myself horny again.  He said to wait and he’ll do it at home.  Nothing further was said about being sweet, just a promise that everything will magically be better as soon as he gets home and fucks me.

So, here I am all strung out again, praying like hell that I can wrap up this testing this afternoon so that I can move on to the next looming deadline.  I’ve got a presentation to plan for 4/19 on social media in the classroom, another presentation about the upgrade to prepare for on 4/26, and 5 classes to revise because of the upgrade which are scheduled to run the week of 5/9.  Plus I’ve got a brand new class to prepare for late June, a ton of marketing materials to prepare and distribute, I still need to run to health services and get a shot so I can enroll in a summer class, and I’m sure there’s a bunch of other things I’m forgetting.

I’m stressed just about to my limit again and he’s doing NOTHING to help ease the burden.  Yet again tonight I will have to do all of the chores and then pretend to be interested in luke warm sex as soon as he gets home from work.  Then I’ll get to cook dinner, clean up, and babysit him while he does his homework.  Sounds like a delightful evening to me.

welcome to tuesday

Tags

life, limits, love, sex

WOW.  Just…  WOW.

I asked Josh what he put in his coffee this morning because it was like I woke up to a whole new man.  Let me go back to the beginning…

Last night I got home from work and took care of the chores.  When Josh got there he had brought me a bottle of tea.  We talked, grumbled at each other for a few minutes, and then essentially got things straight.  I told him I would like a little more romance in my life – and then I pointed out some of the wonderful little things he sometimes does that I see as romantic.  He didn’t realize those things were romantic.  I also told him that every time he’s really good to me he raises the bar for himself – I like what I’ve gotten and then I’d like a little more.  I then reminded him that sometimes all it takes is a few sweet words to straighten me out.

He agreed that he’d keep working on this and I agreed that I’ll keep doing things for him.  He told me he was going to try to get done with class early so that he could be home in time to put me to bed.  We parted peacefully and I went about my evening.  My evening ended up consisting of cooking dinner for Mom and I and then parking on the sofa to watch a marathon of Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives.  Love that Guy Fieri.

At 8 something he sent a text saying he was done and on the way home.  I went and finished the last few bits that needed to be done and got into bed.  He came home and we talked for a few minutes, he showed me a weird shaped chunk of metal he’d cut out using some kind of machine, and he tucked me in.  Pleasant and peaceful.

This morning I was having no part of getting up.  I finally made it around 5.  I smoked and worked 2 rows on the sweater before I started waking him up.  He actually got up really easy today.  We had time for him to make a cup of coffee and smoke with me before our shower.  The shower was nice, nicer than usual I’d say.  When we were getting done I asked him if we should have a sexy date tonight and he said yes.  Nothing else was said, but that’s normal.  We got dressed and headed out.  He complimented me on my shirt and earrings.

When he got to work and started texting me the most amazing thing happened – he was FLIRTING.  He said many truly sexy and lovely things to me that just amazed me.  Seriously, who are you and why are you using my husband’s phone?  It was wonderful.

So, as of right now, I’m really looking forward to talking to him on breaks today and rushing home to see him.  I’m horny, can you believe it?  Less than 15 minutes worth of sweet and naughty texts and I’m ready to go.

I KNEW HE COULD DO IT!!!

All of the bullshit I’ve been putting up with is FINALLY starting to pay off.  The days of crying, the mornings of frustration, the weekends spent wishing I was anywhere but with him – all hopefully distant memories now.  If he can keep this up on any kind of semi-regular basis my life will be much improved.

This is the first time in I can’t even remember how long that I’m actually 100% looking forward to getting naked with him.  And if he flirts like this all day I will be hard pressed not to attack him the very minute he walks through the door.  Oh sweet ceiling cat, say it will be worth the wait…