If left to stew in my own juices long enough I will generally come around to the realization that I have indeed blown something way out of reasonable proportion and that I need to make amends.
It’s a cycle really. I get pissed off so I lash out. Josh makes a half-hearted apology. I lash out some more. He attempts to defend himself. I lash again. He goes quiet. I stew. I realize I might be partly to blame. I assign all blame to myself. I attempt to make amends.
So today is not entirely my fault, but mostly. I also kind of figured I probably didn’t have the entire story about the shower situation. When he called at lunch we talked, rationally, and got it all sorted out. Apparently the real story was not just that he was cold, he was concerned that he hadn’t gotten up early enough and that he was going to be late for work. This is utterly ridiculous, but it is what it is. I woke him up in plenty of time and he was 20 minutes early.
But I blew things out of proportion because he changed a routine first thing in the morning. I generally wake wide up when I get up, and I’d been up since 4:30, but morning is not a time to fuck around with “the usual” in my book. I want everything done in a very specific sequence and I don’t want anything to cause a deviation. Getting used to having him around in the morning took a little work and it still doesn’t entirely feel right yet. Throw another change into the mix and I freaked. Hard core freaked.
So we both apologized for our parts in the unpleasantness and decided how we’ll make up properly at home and now things feel better. I’m still a little shaky, but I haven’t eaten much today so that might be part of it. When I’m upset I don’t eat.
Anyway, life is not entirely grand yet, but it’s back on the path to getting there. Having him call and actually talk this out with me really helped, as I hoped it would. Being able to write about what was going on also helped. What may have helped most of all were the comments from Shaun and Grainne. Y’all are amazing.