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I honestly don’t remember the last time I was this sad, it’s terrible.  The entire morning has been nothing but one big fight.  Now Josh’s phone has either finally died or he’s ignoring me.  I don’t so much care which.  All I really want is for this day to be over.  No, all I really want is for this marriage to be over.

He constantly claims he loves me, yet his actions say otherwise.  He’s always hurting me, constantly.  His words, his actions, the carelessness and thoughlessness – it’s just too much.  I can’t do it anymore.

I’m having a serious debate with myself about whether or not to answer the phone IF he calls at lunch.  He said something this morning about the phone acting up and that he might not even be able to.  Do I really even have anything left to say to him?

He’s not worth killing myself over, I know this.  And these feelings will pass, I know this too.  I just don’t know how much longer I can go on suffering like this.  At best, it’s 40 minutes until he tries to call.  At worst, it’ll be close to 5:30 before I get home tonight.  And then what?  More bandaids on broken arms, that’s what.

I just want this to be OVER, one way or the other.  OVER.  I can’t do this anymore.  I’m damn near in tears sitting in my office.  I’ve got things that really need to get done today and here I sit, an emotional fucking wreck because he changed the routine on me this morning.  He changed the fucking routine and I can’t fucking cope.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???

This should be NOTHING and yet right now it’s EVERYTHING.  I’m sweating, I’m shaking, I can’t fucking think straight – I’m an absolute fucking wreck because he changed a routine.  A routine.  One fucking thing he changes and I go all batshit crazy.

I can’t wait for his lunch break.  I’ll be completely crazy by then.  Shrinky-poo hasn’t called me back yet either and that’s just adding fuel to my sicko fire.  I want to go home and just lie down in a quite room but I can’t.  I’ve got to stay here like a big girl and fucking deal with this shit.

I CAN’T DO THIS TODAY!!!

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