midday update

Tags

anxiety, life, limits, love

The only way to describe today is strained.  We barely spoke on his first break and said nothing of consequence on his lunch.  About the only thing he said at lunch is that he’s going to wait to get my a gift until later.

I got quiet.  Very fucking quiet.

I finally told him he should probably get me something so that he doesn’t look like an asshole in front of our friends.  How terrible is that – he’s motivated to get me something only because he doesn’t want to look bad.  Just let that sink in for a moment.

So really, nothing has changed.  And that leads me to believe that nothing really will change.  This morning he promised me that we’ll have a good weekend.  Yes kids, yet another empty promise.  So looking forward to this.

And now I’m not even sure if he’ll say anything on his last break.  When he got off the phone he was very wishy washy about it.  So we’ll see I guess.

I’m just really tired of this.  The tears are sitting right beneath the surface right now and I’m pretty sure it won’t take much of anything to bring them out.  This would be 5 days in a row.

I spent some time after lunch chatting with my best friend.  She doesn’t think he’ll change either.  And she said he shouldn’t worry about what our friends think seeing as they all already know what a fizzy douche he is.

I have absolutely no qualms about calling him out in front of everyone tonight.  Hell, I have no qualms about kicking him out when everyone is there.

I really shouldn’t have believed him last night when he said everything would get better.  I should have just told him to pack his shit and leave right then and there.  I deserve better than this but I’ll never get it from him.

Why in the name of all that is holy did I believe him???  Nothing ever really changes.  I get mad and threaten to kick him out, he apologizes and promises that everything will get better, I believe him, nothing changes and the cycle starts all over again.  But I always believe his empty promises and sweet words.  And that’s all they are – words.  He can say anything he wants, I know the truth now.  He can’t even be decent to me for an entire day.  I can’t fucking do this anymore.

Part of me really wants to cancel the party tonight.  I’m not exactly in a party kind of mood.  And if things really don’t go well the rest of this afternoon it’s going to be really good and strained tonight.  Like I said, I’d have no problem kicking him out when our friends are there.  But part of me says I’ve been looking forward to this for awhile now I should just go ahead and do it and to hell with Josh.  If things aren’t good by then I can just always tell him to go away for the evening.

30 minutes left until break

I’m ready for a smoke already but it’s only been 30 minutes and I only have a few left.  He didn’t bother to stop and get any yesterday on his way home and has already told me I need to get them today.  I’m really very tempted to get my own and just forget to get his.  If this last break doesn’t go well that’s precisely what I’ll do.

Fuck it, I’m going…

The last text I sent him I asked him to promise me that tonight will be awesome.  That he’ll get me a nice gift and that he’ll help.  Now I wait and see what he says.  I won’t believe his promises – I never do anymore – but I want him to say it so that when he doesn’t follow through I can rub his nose in it as I kick his ass out the door.

10 minutes left until break

I’m trying really hard not to be all twisted about this.  I knew this was going to happen.  I knew it last night as the words were coming out of his mouth that things would change and get better.  I knew it was all lies then but I wanted so desperately to believe them again.  Truth be told, I still want to believe.  Even as his actions prove to be completely contrary to what he told me last night I want to believe.

I guess this means I really do still love him?  I just don’t know anymore.  Maybe if I didn’t love him all of this shit wouldn’t bother me like it does.  Maybe I really wouldn’t care what he said and did.  Maybe all of this wouldn’t be twisting in my heart like a knife.

5 minutes left until break

I hate this whole waiting bullshit, it just fucking kills me.  I wish Josh had a similar job to what I do so that when I needed to talk to him during the day I could.  But I don’t ever see him having this kind of job – too many responsibilities.

***

He promises.  At least I’m assuming that’s what “yup” means.  I guess I go back to believing the bullshit for a little while longer.  He says he wants to get me something to show me he loves me, not to impress anyone.  It still really feels like bullshit to me, but I guess at least he’s giving lip service still.  Maybe that counts for something.

I will say this – I’m really looking forward to seeing what he gets me.  One of the few things that boy does well is get gifts.  When he remembers that is.  I did give a tiny bit of guidance – I want something more than flowers, something I can keep a long time.  I told he can get me flowers as well, but they’re not essential.  Now I’m all excited to see what he gets.

***

For the record, I’m a raving fucking lunatic.  That is all.

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back on track?

Tags

bipolar disorder, building a life worth living, friends, knitting, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, sex

When Josh got home yesterday we talked, really talked.  I told him all the things I’d been feeling and he actually told me how he’d been feeling.  We got the misunderstandings sorted out and agreed that we both need to make some changes to make this work again.  I had him take care of most of the chores last night and I made dinner.  I told him we both need to do these things as we have time and not just push it off on the other person constantly because that’s just not fair.  He agreed to start helping more.  I also told him he can tell me he loves me as much as he wants, but if he doesn’t ever do anything to show me that he loves me he might as well stop talking.

The rest of the evening was a little tense, but mostly pleasant.  He got rather insistent about having sex so I agreed and I think it actually helped this time.  I felt more relaxed afterwards and I slept pretty well last night.  So far this morning is off to a reasonable start, though that’s due in part to me just learning to keep my big fucking mouth shut.

But I am going to start taking better care of myself by doing things I want to do.  I’ve decided that Saturday is going to be my day.  I’m going out to breakfast with my mom and then I’m picking up my best friend for lunch and yarn shopping.  I told Josh I’ll be home sometime late in the afternoon and that I encourage him to go do something he wants to do while I’m gone.  We need to start spending some quality time away from each other or we’re totally going to drive each other crazy.  He agreed.

Right now I’m just hoping to get through this day and evening unscathed.  I’ve got one meeting to take care of today and that’s it.  Since it’s Friday I’m off at 3pm.  I need to stop and get some smokes for myself and then run home and start cooking.  I need to make my cheesecake and get started on the shepherd’s pie.  My guests should start arriving around 6.  I’ve asked my best friend to bring the Cards Against Humanity card game for us to play.  If you’ve never played it, you’re missing out on a wonderful experience.

The mood is fairly neutral right now.  I’m not really holding my breath that today will go well.  Like I said, I’m pretty much just planning to keep my mouth shut and say as little as possible.  I figure the less I say the better off I’ll be.  I do need to call shrinky-poo when her office opens and get a refill of my Geodon.  I realized this morning that I’ve only got 1 dose left, there’s no refills left on the Rx, and even if there were it’s too soon to fill it again as written.

The sweater is coming along really well.  I got the body almost finished this morning – I just need to bind off the bottom and then I can start the sleeves.  As long as nothing unpleasant happens this weekend I should be on track to finish by my birthday.  I think I’ll swing by a fabric store tomorrow to look for buttons while we’re out shopping.  When I go to the yarn shop I’m going to get yarn for my next sweater.  I’m thinking it’ll be another top-down raglan with the kfb increases, but I’ll do this one with symmetrical fronts, work it in stockinette stitch, and use a self-striping yarn like Noro Silk Garden.  I want an easy knit that looks way more difficult than it was.  The Silk Garden is not necessarily my first choice as it’s not a very nice feeling yarn, but I want something with those kinds of color changes.