Me. I have become the consummate actress.
I tried telling Josh yesterday that I was numb. I told him all of the fighting and drama had completely burned me out. He was not the least bit phased. He pushed and insisted that I must be feeling something. I told him no, I had no feelings left. When he left to go to school he told me again that he loved me and I refused to say it back. I told him I wasn’t going to say something I wasn’t feeling. Rather than try to talk to me about this he just stormed off.
So now I’ve been telling him everything he wants to hear and nothing else. There will be no more problems between us because I refuse to voice my hurt. Everything will always be fine. I will speak only when spoken to, only say nice things to him, tell him repeatedly how much I love him, and what a truly wonderful husband he is. It’s a switch – I flip it on when I have to deal with him and then off when I don’t. He’ll never get the real Erin ever again – all he’ll get from me is this act. It’s easier this way.
I’ll continue to do my own things when he’s not around, but when he is I’ll be at his beck and call. I’ll do everything he asks for with a smile on my face. I’ll say any old thing he’d like to hear. I will be the perfect wife on the surface. Underneath it all is a roiling raging bitch just waiting for the perfect moment to let loose.
In other, more interesting, news the sweater is progressing nicely. I got another 8 rows done this morning before I woke his highness up and I’m hoping to get another 8 done at lunch. I’ve pretty well figured out that most of my knitting time is going to have to come in the mornings and at lunch. When Josh is around I’ll need to be waiting on him to keep him happy. But the colors are looking wonderful and I think the pattern is going to work wonderfully. I combined bits from 2 patterns for this one which I think should work well. I’m hoping to have it done within a month like I did the last one. Actually, now that I’m getting up so early in the mornings, I might even get it done sooner. That would truly be awesome.
Tonight is the birthday celebration with my family. I wish I was looking forward to this more. I love my nieces, they’re just kind of a handful. This “party” is really for them, not me. And that’s quite alright. Any excuse to have a party is a good excuse. I’m just not all that excited about doing things on week nights. And Josh is expecting me to have sex with him after everyone leaves. I’m really not looking forward to that. Time to flip the switch and act again. The sad part about that is that having to pretend about the sex makes me hate it.
I’m honestly not sure how long I’ll be able to keep this act up. I know sometimes I can fake it til I make it, but I really don’t think that’s going to apply this time. I really have had enough of all this bullshit.