tuesday troubles

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, motivation, sick, sleep, stress, work

I went and had my blood drawn this morning.  It went much better than the attempt on Saturday.  This time I got a certified phlebotomist and she hit the first vein on the first try.  Her name is Brittany and I’ll be asking for her, by name, from now on.  She works during the week.

I wasn’t feeling very good this morning, and I’m still not.  I slept like shit last night – totally couldn’t get comfortable.  The weather has finally warmed up, for a few days anyway, and it’s messing with me.  When I had to get up I really just wanted to stay in bed.  But I got up and went for the blood draw and then spoiled myself with a little McDonald’s breakfast.  And that’s when the hurting really started.  I seem to ache all over, just like Josh did yesterday.  Mostly it’s in my hands and feet.  I haven’t really done anything with either to cause this.  I’ve got on my best, most comfortable pair of sandals and I haven’t hardly typed at all today.  I suspect it’s a virus.

I’ve got a few things to wrap up and then I think I’m going to head for home.  There’s no sense in tormenting myself by being miserable here.  I’ve already talked to my boss about it and she said to just take care of myself.  I’ve got a whole week’s worth of crap going on next week and there’s no sense in making it so I can’t be here for all of it.  Besides, I really need to practice what I preach to Josh – rest and give your body a chance to heal itself.

I really wish I could figure out the sleep thing.  I thought it would be good to try to go to bed early last night, so I took my Depakote and Melatonin at like 7:15.  Now I’m thinking that was too early.  I just don’t know what else to do.  I walked for 30 minutes last night, which should have helped.  And I don’t think I had a whole lot more caffeine than I normally do.  Mostly I drink Kool Aid anymore, made with Splenda.

I’m sure part of it is stress.  The money situation is not so stellar again and I really need to get back on top of that.  Things with Josh are mostly ok right now, I’m just still pretty pissed at him about what happened over the weekend.  And I don’t feel like I’m back up to my “wonder woman” abilities again yet, which is frustrating as hell.  Gotta learn how to be a little more patient with myself.

barely staying upright

Tags

sick, sleep, stress, work

It hasn’t really been a bad day, per se, just kind of a long day.  And I’m a lot more tired than I previously thought.  Not good.

Josh is still not feeling well.  It sounds to me like he’s got the whole body cold thing that I had a while back.  He’s coughing pretty good, blowing his nose a lot, and he aches all over.  I suggested to him that it’s bad enough we’re going to miss one day on his paycheck, perhaps he should stay home tonight and rest so that he doesn’t miss 2 days.  We really just can’t afford that.

So I’ve gotten to talk to him a little today and I’ll get to see him a little extra tonight.  I plan on putting both of us to bed early.  I’ve got to get a solid 8 hours of sleep or I’m going to go nutz.  I don’t have anything on my calendar yet tomorrow, but there is some work I really need to get done.  And it’s just not going to happen this afternoon.  If I could find a comfortable place to lay down and rest right now I totally would.

weekend update

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, sleep, stress, work

Well that sucked.

I saw shrinky-poo Friday afternoon and that went alright.  She wants me to have some blood work done to see where my levels are.  Josh and I had a pretty quite evening and I thought everything was fine.

Got up early Saturday morning to go to the lab.  Only they couldn’t find a vein, at all.  They stuck me 3 times with no luck.  I have to go back tomorrow to try again.  I hate having blood drawn because of this.  My veins are really tiny and even if they can find one, half the time the damn thing won’t bleed.  I’ve got a huge bruise on my arm because of it.

Saturday at the grocery store Josh was bitching about getting beer, so I caved and let him.  We ended up running errands late in the afternoon with Mom and all headed out for Mexican food for dinner.  Josh and I each got a margarita.  I was fine with that.  He got home and drank his 4 beers and then took his Ambien.  He was up wandering the house all night long so I didn’t get any sleep at all.

Sunday we got up and I told him this is the very last time he pulls this shit, I won’t put up with it any more.  It’s too hard on me.  I ended up laying down to rest a good portion of the day because I was so exhausted.

Sometime in the middle of the night last night he got hot and got up to turn the ceiling fan on.  This morning when I tried to wake him up he was bitching again about not feeling good.  He’s at home doing god only knows what right now.  I’m stuck at work all day.  But he’s going to school tonight.

I just don’t know what to make of this anymore.  He says he’s stressed out and needed a way to unwind.  I pointed out to him that his “coping” skill left me almost completely unable to do anything.  He never stops to think about how his actions are going to affect other people.

The moods have been pretty dicey because of this.  I’ve been beyond the point of exhaustion, I’ve been miserable, and I don’t really know what to do.  He claims he’s learned his lesson, I just don’t know if I believe him or not.

need your input

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mental girl

almost there

Tags

life, love, meds, mental health, stress, work

Local time is just now 1pm.  I’m off work at 2:45 to go see shrinky-poo.  After that it’s home to move laundry and see if I can’t squeeze my walk in before Josh arrives.  So far so good.

The presentation at noon didn’t happen.  I kind of suspected it might not, so I’m really not at all upset.  We advertised the session in every available campus outlet, so there’s no doubt that folks knew about it.  But it’s sunny today and mostly warm and just phenomenal outside.  If I had my way I wouldn’t be anywhere near this place.  My boss and 2 other colleagues came over and had lunch and we chatted for a bit, which was a nice way to break up the day.

Now I just need to get through until 2:45 and see what happens.

I doubt anything major will come of the visit with shrinky-poo.  This should just be a very routine med check since we did the change up last week.  I am going to remember to ask her about the other pills to have on hand just in case.

The more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I’ve realized that a good deal of the unpleasantness this week is just the whole getting used to a new routine business.  Josh and I go through this every time his school schedule changes.  I need some time to adjust to the changes and I’m not necessarily pleasant while it’s happening.  But he has been doing a pretty good job of trying to take care of me, and I need to start giving him more credit for that.  I actually find myself looking forward to seeing him this evening.

One hour, 40 minutes to go.  I can do this.

needing a giggle

Tags

humor

I think every person should have one joke that they can pull out of their pocket when they need to cheer someone up.  This one is my favorite because it can easily be cleaned up a bit and told to a small person.  Poop humor is always good.

A bear and a bunny are in the woods taking a shit.  The bear turns to the bunny and asks, “do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?”  The bunny replies, “why, no.”  So the bear picks up the bunny and wipes his ass with him.

ps

Tags

random shit that falls out of my brain

Over in the side bar is links to the Mental Girl Guides I’m doing for merbear.  Today’s episode is about tattoos.

finally friday

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, love, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, sex, stress, work

If I can get through the next 8 hours, I should be golden.  Getting there will be the struggle though.  I’ve got a presentation to give at noon and an appointment with shrinky-poo at 3:15.  And then of course Josh thinks he needs some attention.  All I’d really like to do is go home, walk, and drop.  Not gonna happen.

I’ve been trying to stay on top of the laundry again this week.  I found last week that that really helped.  I ran one load on Wednesday and got it put away last night, ran the towels yesterday morning, and threw the sheets and whites in this morning before we left.  Not having to babysit the washer all weekend really does seem to help.

I’m not sure what all else is on tap for the weekend.  Josh keeps talking about wanting to do things together.  He finally got his financial aid money yesterday so I’m thinking we’ll probably end up out shopping for more welding supplies.  I just need to check around and see if there’s a shop open on the weekend.  I’m not sure what else he needs besides tools and supplies.  I replenished most of his work wardrobe a few weeks ago, so he should be good on clothes and shoes.

He keeps telling me that being in school 4 nights a week is just as hard on him as it is on me.  And that may be true.  But at least he doesn’t have to do any chores.  He’s claiming again that he’ll help this weekend, I just have a hard time believing that.  All he’s talked about for the last few days is having sex.  I had wanted sex on Sunday and didn’t get it, so I don’t really see why I’m obligated to give it to him just because he wants it.  Probably easiest to just put up with the 2 minutes it’ll take and get it over with.

The moods are still cycling.  I need to talk to shrinky-poo about that today.  The walking still really helps with the anxiety, but I can’t really just go off and take a walk when I get stressed out at work.  I think I’ll ask her for the other pill for during the day to see if it helps.  Right now I’m trying to plan my attack for the day.  There’s a few things I need to do to finish getting ready for the presentation – like setting up the room – and my boss emailed me about a few other things she’d like me to take care of.  Like I said, if I can just get through the next 8 hours unscathed I should be alright.

just for giggles

Tags

random shit that falls out of my brain

Erin was born and raised in the hinterlands of  NE.  She has a dual diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder II and Borderline Personality Disorder and has been in treatment for the last 8 years.  Erin has a BS in Library Science and an MA in Teaching and Learning with Technology.  She is currently working on a second MA in English.  When she’s not busy with school, she’s either blogging about her mental health or knitting.

Ok, so I tweaked it a tiny bit, but really, that’s what I wrote.  It sucks.

I’ll take sheer exhaustion for $1000 alex

Tags

life, love, mental health, sleep, work

I was in bed by 7pm last night.

SEVEN.

Put a fork in me, I’m obviously done.  Things with Josh went alright after work.  We talked a bit and sort of worked more things out.  When he left we were happy with each other and kissing again.  Always good.  I started a load of laundry and then whined at Mom enough that she took pity on me and picked up Chinese food for dinner.  Tonight we’re having one of my favorites – goulash.  She made the sauce last night, all I have to do is boil the noodles.  My kind of cooking.

Anyway, I’m still kind of tired.  I’m having a rough time getting with the program today.  Part of it is that I’ve been balls deep in bullshit since I got here.  Things have just finally settled down.  Now I get to spend the rest of the afternoon in the other building all by myself.  I’m thinking this is an excellent thing for this afternoon.  Just a little time to hang and catch up on things.

I finally wrote my bio for the radio gig thing and sent them a picture.  I hate doing that shit.  What do I say about myself?  I cobbled something together, hopefully it’s good enough.  I had hoped that this was something anyone could listen in on, but I saw something on the flyer about it being limited to the first 50 people to sign up.  I’ll still share all of the info when I get it, just in case.

I’m hoping tonight is a little better.  I borrowed “Magic Mike” from one of my girlfriends at work since Mom and I are getting tired of the evening television offerings.  Should be good.  I hope.  At least it’ll remind me what a really nice looking, mostly naked man looks like.  Can’t beat that with a stick.