I’ve realized that I can either sit here and stew on this feeling all anxious and sorry for myself or I can get off my fat ass and do something constructive. You really just can’t keep me down long.
I need to sleep regularly to function. My meds aren’t going to be enough on their own to get me all the way to dream time right now, so it’s time to supplement. I stopped drinking tea yesterday around 3pm and after Josh left for school I spent 25 minutes on the treadmill walking at a reasonable pace. I also stayed away from spicy foods and excess quantities of chocolate last night. I took my Melatonin (5mg) at 8:15 and slept quite well. I was able to get up this morning at 4:15 and worked 10 rows on the sweater before getting Josh up. I feel pretty good.
However, I also feel pretty shitty. I realize I don’t cry for help or attention often, so I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised that I got none. And I really very rarely write this shit purely for your entertainment, it’s more of a journal for myself that I’ve opened up to the world in hopes that my struggles might help someone else. But I feel pretty fucking alone right now and it absolutely sucks. I goddamn near deleted this blog this morning and I’m not so sure I won’t do it before the day is over. You really do find out who cares about you when the chips are down.
Please don’t think I’m whining, I’m not. I know how life works and I know I’m not interesting enough to really pay attention to. I’m the fat kid that gets made fun of behind her back, the one people only talk to in order to see how shitty things are going. I’m used to it. But I am really fucking tired of it.
Mama…you’re not a whiner. You are a strong woman struggling to find balance and you have never, once, struck me as someone who complains for attention. You vent any time you need to here…it’s YOUR blog. *hugs* I’m sorry you feel so alone today.
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Thanks Grainne. Just feeling a little low right now and rather alone. We’re all struggling, I know this. Thanks for being there for me.
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I hear you. Feel this way often, even when surrounded.
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I am your friend for reals Erin. It says so on my Facebook and I am always around if you need me. xx {Hugs} P.S. I don’t bullshit so if you ever need someone, I mean it.
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Oh honey, you may live to regret having said that. 🙂 Thanks for being my friend.
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We are both riders on the crazy train chickie!! 🙂
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I’m still here and I love reading your blog, it helps me feel normal and I really enjoy your point of view. I haven’t been on WordPress much lately but when I do visit I am always getting caught up on your posts. Still chrocheting and loving it and it was you who inspired me. I’ve been following you since I started mine. I hope you are able to shake this feeling and get ur thoughts back on track. I know it can feel so consuming and hopeless.
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Thanks for hanging with me. It’s all going to come back together eventually, I just need some time to sort some stuff.
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