I’ve realized that I can either sit here and stew on this feeling all anxious and sorry for myself or I can get off my fat ass and do something constructive. You really just can’t keep me down long.
I need to sleep regularly to function. My meds aren’t going to be enough on their own to get me all the way to dream time right now, so it’s time to supplement. I stopped drinking tea yesterday around 3pm and after Josh left for school I spent 25 minutes on the treadmill walking at a reasonable pace. I also stayed away from spicy foods and excess quantities of chocolate last night. I took my Melatonin (5mg) at 8:15 and slept quite well. I was able to get up this morning at 4:15 and worked 10 rows on the sweater before getting Josh up. I feel pretty good.
However, I also feel pretty shitty. I realize I don’t cry for help or attention often, so I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised that I got none. And I really very rarely write this shit purely for your entertainment, it’s more of a journal for myself that I’ve opened up to the world in hopes that my struggles might help someone else. But I feel pretty fucking alone right now and it absolutely sucks. I goddamn near deleted this blog this morning and I’m not so sure I won’t do it before the day is over. You really do find out who cares about you when the chips are down.
Please don’t think I’m whining, I’m not. I know how life works and I know I’m not interesting enough to really pay attention to. I’m the fat kid that gets made fun of behind her back, the one people only talk to in order to see how shitty things are going. I’m used to it. But I am really fucking tired of it.