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Hi kids, did you miss me?

Sorry I was gone a few days, I had some things I needed to sort in my broken little brain.  And really, the only thing I wanted to talk about was how I haven’t been sleeping and was really nervous about the appointment yesterday.  Quite frankly, I decided I was tired of hearing myself whine so I just shut up for a few days.  I’m back now.

The appointment with shrinky-poo went well.  Both Mom and Josh were able to be there for it, which was nice.  We’re going to try Depakote and see if that doesn’t do the trick.  She said it’s just about the last of the “regular” psych meds we can try.  It’s in the same class as Lithium and can be taken with it safely.  I’m starting at 1000mg a night for the first three nights and then I’ll go up to 1500mg.

I started last night and already I can feel a difference.  I slept better than I have in a few weeks and this morning I feel pretty calm.  Granted, the day has barely begun, but I’ve been waking up feeling anxious lately and I don’t have that today which is a blessed relief.  She said there is something we can add into the mix if the anxiety doesn’t start to get better, which was reassuring.

If the Depakote doesn’t work as she wants it to, then we have to get really creative.  She didn’t really elaborate on what exactly that meant, but it told me that she’s got a contingency plan and that made me feel better.

And really, not having a plan has been a huge part of my problem lately.  For the last few weeks I haven’t known what was going on with my situation.  I knew that I was doing everything I possibly could to help make things better, but it wasn’t working well enough.  I needed her help and guidance, but I had to give her time to get there.  Now that we have a plan I feel better.

My only real complaint about the Depakote so far is that the pills are HUGE and I’m taking 2 of them until Thursday and then I’ll start taking 3 of them.  I’m not that great about swallowing pills anyway because of all the overdoses I’ve had, but big pills are even more problematic.  And they’re extended release tablets, so it’s not as though I can break them in half to make them smaller.  Oh well, it’s a small price to pay for getting some sleep.

I asked her about the tardive dyskinesia and she said it shouldn’t get any worse, but it’ll take awhile yet to completely clear up.  She’s pretty confident that we caught it early enough that it didn’t become permanent, but I guess the Geodon lingers in your system for quite some time and continues to cause this.  Once my body is free of it, it should clear up on it’s own.  I’m doing a rapid taper on the Geodon right now – 2 more nights of 40mg and then 7 nights of 20mg and I’m done.  She wants me off it as fast, but as safe, as possible.

I’ve been keeping up with the walking.  I’ve upped it to at least 1.25 miles per day, which is roughly 30 minutes.  I’m going to see if I can push it a little further tonight since Josh will be at school again.  I’m making Portabello stuffed ravioli with a mushroom sauce for dinner, which shouldn’t take long, so I should be able to walk at least 45 minutes I’m thinking.  The walking really does seem to be the best thing for my anxiety lately.  If I can just make it to the treadmill I can get my head right again.

I’m also really working on the whole healthier eating thing.  I’ve started eating my dinner off a smaller plate, I’m drinking protein shakes every now and then, and I discovered that my beloved lemon tea has less caffeine in the entire 2 quarts I drink than in a single 8 oz serving of Josh’s coffee.  I think I can swing that.  It’s the little things that are going to add up to a big difference for me.

One little thing that’s about to become big – I think – is the smoking.  I’m starting to get signs from my body that it’s about ready to give up the habit.  I rarely smoke a full cigarette anymore, unless I’m in the car, I only smoke one on the rides to and from work, and the one I smoke on the way home from work is always the last anymore.  On average I’d say I’m probably only smoking 12 or 13 cigarettes a day, compared to the full pack plus I used to smoke.  This is big for me.  I’m not pushing it though.  This is my last crutch and I don’t really feel like mentally I’m in a place where I can safely take this away.

The moods have been interesting lately.  When I talked to shrinky-poo yesterday we came to the conclusion that I’m probably rapid cycling right now.  I got from one extreme to the other in the span of minutes sometimes.  That in and of itself is exhausting.  But Josh said I haven’t been any more difficult to live with lately than I ever am, which is good.  He’s also taken to calling me his Wonder Woman, which I think is very sweet.  And yesterday when we got home from fetching pills after my appointment, he made both lunches, his coffee, and my tea – without being asked.  I had planned to do all of that after my walk, but he just jumped right in and did it.  Awesome.