undeniably true

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friends, life, love, random shit that falls out of my brain

If you’re reading this blog, right here, right now, this applies to you…

freaks of the world unite

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bipolar disorder, freaks, friends, life, mental health, mental illness, normal, school

I was struck by a whole lot of randomness this morning on the drive to work.  It’s about a 20 minute ride, so that’s plenty of time for my brain to have a field day.  And I’ve been driving this exact same route for so long now that I really don’t have to think so much about the driving, I just do it.  Anyway, I digress.

In class Wednesday night we talked about the fluidity of culture and had an interesting discussion about that.  Things change, rapidly these days, and most everyone else was pointing out examples of this.  I piped in with the notion that while there is always change, we still have cultural roots – things that don’t change that much.  We still wear clothing in public, we still share meals together, we still observe the sacrament of marriage – things like that.  Granted, the details surrounding many of these things have changed over time, but a lot of this is rooted in the basis of all human culture.  The prof gave me a look that said she had never even considered that side of it.

Freak – 1, Normies – 0

Then we talked about how “signs” are comprised of both an image/sound/word that is the Signifier and a meaning with is the Signified and the combination of these two makes a Sign.  She asked for examples.  The usual things were bandied about and then I piped up with my squirrels.  I told them how my work team uses the word “squirrel” to signify that we’ve gotten off topic.  Because we’re mental.  Yeah, that went over like a lead balloon.

Freak – 1, Normies – baffled

But anyway, this came back to me this morning on the drive.  And, while I’m not entirely sure why, I’m willing to take a trip down the rabbit hole and see if I can figure it out.

It starts with this…

my freaky bald husband

Josh asked me to cut his hair last night.  His hair wasn’t terribly long – I’ve seen it longer when we were first dating and he wasn’t willing to spend much money on regular hair cuts – but it was a little shaggy compared to how he’s been wearing it these last few years.  And it’s about to get hot in this part of the country so he decided it was time.  I know one hair cut – scalped ape – so that’s what I did.  It’s not bad if I do say so myself.  I actually used to do this to Rob on a regular basis so I’m pretty fucking good at it.  Anyway, Josh has a nice shaped head for this.  To tell the truth, I think it’s a little sexy.

This morning he came upstairs and had on grey athletic shorts and a white t-shirt and that beautiful bald head.  It was all I could do to not molest him in the kitchen.  And this part I think is my dad’s fault – there is just something about a plain white t-shirt that screams masculinity to me because my dad wore a white t-shirt under his dress shirts every fucking day of his life.  Hotter than hot in a way I really can’t find words for.

So we get through our showering and getting ready process appropriately and with what felt like just the right about of flirting.  I stopped at my big mirror in our room to make sure my outfit looked alright and I was struck with a vision that did not seem to come from my eyes – I looked slender, I looked polished, I looked – OMG – just a little sexy.  You need to  understand that those are not normally words I would use when describing myself.  I think – maybe – I saw myself as Josh often sees me, for just a moment.  Wow…

Where the hell was I going with this anyway?  Oh yes, freaks.

So anyway, I had this epiphany I guess you’d call it and then I head for work and I start thinking about how I just don’t see those things about me.  I see the weird curly hair that gets all afroesque in the Midwestern humidity, I see the very odd assortment of random freckles, I see the 13 tattoos, I see the skin that in places doesn’t even look human anymore.

And then I thought to myself – why can’t we be good and decent people who also think we’re worth something?

Most of the time – in my experience anyway – when you meet someone who “knows” they’re worth something, they’re entirely full of themselves and absolutely not worth being around.  Narcissistic, no sense of humility at all, no concern for other people.  Granted – this is not true of all people who know they’re worth something.  My mom knows she’s literally worth her own weight in gold and she really ought to be up for sainthood.  In the same vein, my sister will go on non-stop about how much she’s worth and yet I go out of my way to avoid her company.

So really, is it just that we’re mental that we can’t seem to find that good balance between realizing we’re worth something to the world and still being good enough people that others want to take appropriate advantage of our worth?  I’m a little disadvantaged here because most of the people I spend time with are mental in some form or fashion.  My posse of normies is pretty well non-existent.

Are you a freak?  Do you embrace your freakness?  What about you makes you a freak?

rant

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life, limits, love, moods, rant, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

When you’ve known you needed something for TWO MONTHS it’s entirely not cool to tell me about it 3 days in advance.  Particularly not during the summer when I am balls to the motherfucking wall.  I’m trying to put together the pieces for two classes, one of them brand new, handle a regular support load, and do a hard core graduate class.

Poor planning on your part does NOT constitute emergency on my part, bitches.

I could probably crank this mess out in about an hour, but that would just encourage them to pull this shit again.  I told her I’m really busy trying to get these new classes out (totally true) and that I’ll try to have it done in time for Monday morning.  Her original email said that’s when she needed it and then when she dropped the full shit load of details on me she said she wanted it this afternoon.  No means no.

Things with Josh are square again, thank ceiling cat.  He’s still basically a putz, but he always has been.  I suppose it was a case of just needing to vent some frustration so I didn’t explode.  It’s all good.  I told him that just like I am certain he’ll fall off the wagon and get drunk again, he can be sure that I’ll turn into a raving bitch for a few hours again.  It’s just who we are and how we roll.

In other news, I’ve printed the 4 readings I for sure have to write papers on and I found an older binder to put them in.  Nothing quite like misappropriating office supplies with the help of the boss.

at it again

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, divorce, kids, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, motivation, school, sex, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Class last night went well.  It’s going to be even more work than I expected, but I think I’m going to enjoy it.  We ended up having to leave early because the instructor got scared about the weather (it’s tornado season here right now and she’s not a native), but that was actually kind of nice.  I went home and had a bite to eat with Josh and Mom and went to bed at 9.

This morning I was quiet again and Josh said something about it.  I told him I was tired.  The truth is that I’m stressed, to the extreme.  I’ve got a ton of homework, the usual chores to get done this weekend, the slumber party with the kids to get through, and then I still have to figure out how to get this tax mess taken care of.  It’s kind of a lot to ask of one mental girl and I’m a little concerned I won’t be able to handle it all.  As such, I was a little snippy with him this morning and then things got kind of ugly.  He made a really snide comment about how glad he is I’m back in school.  I told him I was glad to see that he can’t handle that I’m finally doing something positive for myself instead of wasting all my time taking care of him.

Yes, ugly.

I finally decided I was bored with having this conversation – it’s a variation of the same one we always have when he feels like he’s been neglected – and I apologized.  I don’t mean it, not one bit.  But it shut him up.  Good enough.

This morning he told me he expects me to come home and have sex with him.  I was right about last night – he didn’t look for a job and he didn’t stop by the bank to get the direct deposit form he needs.  Why in hell should I do anything nice for him?

The moods are actually still pretty decent, I think anyway.  I am feeling the stress a little more right now, but I still haven’t gotten into the pills and I’m coping alright.  I am sort of maintaining a low level of pissed off just because of whole “Josh just dropped $20k worth of tax debt at my feet” situation.  But I think anyone would be.  I’m still getting things done, being nice to the people who are nice to me, I engaged in the discussion in class last night, and I’m trying to not worry about the things I have no control over.  In other words, I’m doing the best I can and being ok with it.  Can’t ask much more than that of anyone, let alone someone who is mental.

good/bad

Tags

anxiety, family, kids, life, money, stress, work

So I think I’ve mentioned that money is not good in our house right now, like really not good.  Josh just texted and told me he’s working Saturday 7 – 2.  In a normal week, this would be awesome – close to 7 hours of overtime.  However, since no one is paying him for Monday, it’s straight time.  So he’s pissed.  I’m not – it helps offset the loss of Monday’s pay.  I’m right on the verge of telling him to fucking suck it up.

This weekend is to be the big sleepover with the brat and my two nieces.  If the brat wins her hockey game Friday night she’ll play again Saturday at noon.  If she wins that game, she plays again at 2.  I had previously been hoping she wouldn’t win anything so that we could pick her up at her house as usual at 11.  Now…  Now I really hope she wins everything and we don’t pick her up until around 4.  Of course since that’s what I want, she won’t win a fucking thing.

And my poor mom – all my oldest niece keeps talking about is the sleepover.  How many days until it happens, what are we gonna do, are you sure (the brat) will be there, what are we gonna eat…  She’s 5, this is like her entire world right now.  And how terrible if even part of it gets postponed because of the brat’s fucking hockey bullshit?

I don’t really care if I don’t see Josh so much this weekend.  With him being in school so much lately and now all of this financial mess I just don’t mind so much that I’m not going to get a lot of time with him.  I’m actually trying to figure out how I could be gone or busy when he is around.  I’ll probably try to do some homework tomorrow night, which would help.  Not sure what all else I can pull off.

frustrated

Tags

bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, money, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

It’s really starting to feel like every time I turn around there’s someone in front of me with a hand out expecting me to pay some bill that Josh racked up before we met.  I’m really pretty sick and fucking tired of it.  Damn near all of my money goes to paying for things that I didn’t even get to enjoy.  How fucking fair is that?

I’m trying not to be upset, but I just don’t feel like I have it in me to be good to him today.  All he really did last night was pout about the tax thing and then bitch about his job.  I told him that his number one priority right now is to find a better job, but he did nothing to that end last night.  He’ll have the entire evening to himself today – he will again do NOTHING.

I’m getting tired of being the one to take on all of the responsibility.  Now that I’m starting school I can’t possibly get a second job.  And really, there’s no reason I should have to even think about that – these are HIS debts and as such are HIS responsibilities.  I’ve got 2 mental illnesses for fuck’s sake – MAN UP AND GET A BETTER JOB ALREADY!!!

I’m really thinking what it might come down to is me getting nasty with him, and I really don’t want to do that.  I know he’s on the edge right now and it won’t take much to push him to drink again.  I could see it written all over his face last night.  I told him last time that happened that I wouldn’t put up with it again – whether or not he believes me is a whole other story.

I’m just tired, and stressed, and he’s not exactly been doing much to help since yesterday.  I’m actually really glad I won’t see him tonight until I get home from class.  It feels like some time away from him would be a really good thing right now.  He always goes on about how much he misses me, I think he needs to know what it’s like to miss me for once instead of just saying the words.

so here’s what I know

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, motivation, school, sleep, stress, work

• The IRS does do payment plans.  I called and talked to a very nice woman yesterday who told me that if we file Josh’s return for 2010 that will knock $400 off the debt right away thanks to something called a Schedule M.  They were thoughtful enough to provide me with all of the numbers we need to do this.  We actually have more time than indicated in the letter – this was just a scare tactic, and since I called yesterday, they’ve made note that we contacted them once.  This is good for us.  Hopefully I can get all of this stuff taken care of the next weekend we don’t have kids in the house.  I’ve decided there is absolutely no point in getting Josh involved in anything dealing with money anymore – it’s just not his thing.
• Josh getting hired full time is not as awesome as I’d thought it would be.  No one has told him yet if it involves a raise, but we suspect not.  The biggest change is that he’ll start earning time off, but not until after 90 days.  He’ll get paid for July 4th, but since he wasn’t technically employed anywhere on Memorial Day, no pay for that.  And he’ll be going to only getting paid every 2 weeks now instead of every week.  That’s how it was at his last job, but of course now we’ve gotten used to every week.  Sucks.
• I’m tired, as usual anymore.  I had really kind of disturbing dreams about Josh last night and because of that I woke up a little off.  I think I was noticeably off this morning but he didn’t say anything.  Not sure if he’s trying not to rock the boat or just didn’t notice.  I’m thinking it’s not worth caring about.
• My class starts tonight.  I feel as prepared as I can be.  I have all of my supplies with me, I’ve done the reading, and I’ve written the paper.  Now to see if I can stay awake the entire time.  It starts at 5pm and is scheduled to end at 9pm.  I’m usually asleep at 9.  This should be interesting.  I won’t take any of my pills until I get home, which I’m hoping will help, but I know I’ll still be tired.  I’m planning to remind my boss today about class tonight and tell her that I might be a few minutes late in the morning depending on how it goes.

because I need one more fucking thing to go wrong right now

Tags

divorce, life, money, the world is full of fucking idiots

Got home from work early – good.  Checked the mail – bad.

There’s a letter for Josh from the IRS.  THE IRS.  They finally caught up with him about the taxes he neglected to file before we met.  They want their money.  $9600.  By June 27.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I really literally don’t know what to do.  I talked a little to my boss and she said her dad had some IRS issues before he died and they are willing to work with you.  There’s a number on this letter.  I’m going to call and see what I can do.  This really isn’t my responsibility.  I can’t keep cleaning up his messes.

and now it’s ok – being a good kid just paid off, again

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work

My boss finally got in touch with me and thanked me.  We had a nice little chat.  She told me to go ahead and leave an hour early today to make up for having to cover an extra shift.  I expressed a little frustration with T and told her it’s getting mighty tempting to put a size 11 foot up his ass.  She told me that might be difficult seeing as her size 10 foot would be there first.

Moral of the story – always try to be the good kid, you’ll get something good out of the deal.

now I’m mad

Tags

stress, work

I’ve mentioned before that we have one guy on our team and he’s having issues with his mom being sick.  Over the course of the last few months his work performance has fallen off, dramatically.  He doesn’t help, he doesn’t prepare his materials appropriately, he doesn’t dress the part of a professional.  And my boss has done NOTHING to correct any of this.

I love my boss, I really do, but she’s got no business managing people.  She hates conflict and she can’t really get herself to say anything to him yet.  I’m at the end of my rope with this bullshit.

This week K, the other woman, is on vacation.  Before she left she sent out a message to get coverage for her shifts in the other office.  I agreed to take tomorrow afternoon.  T, the guy, didn’t say anything.  So this morning my boss didn’t get in until almost 9 – when the morning shift was to start.  I asked her if we needed someone to cover or not, seeing as no one had volunteered.  She told ME to go talk to T and see if he’d do it.  Of course not, he’s too busy.  So I had to come over here.  I was in the middle of one of my own projects, but I guess that just doesn’t matter.

What’s really pissing me off about all of this is that the more she coddles him and puts up with this behavior, the more I get shit on.  I come in on time, do my work, do it well, and yet this is how I get rewarded.  When raises come out next month, he and I will get exactly the same.  It’s bullshit.

When Mom and I were out shopping Saturday I happened to strike up a conversation with a stranger who looked like someone I’ve worked with here on campus before.  Turns out she’s a tech recruiter.  Seriously thinking I might have to send her an email…