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As yes, the power of the brain dump…

So I’ve been thinking since I posted earlier and I’ve come to realize some things which are probably important.

  1. I have zero control over Josh, his actions, and how he’s going to treat me.  What I can control is how I react to those things.
  2. I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in going on a week now.  Not enough sleep nearly always leads to hypomania for me.  Not good.  And the sleep situation – which is entirely being brought on by stress – isn’t going to get better any time soon.
  3. I need to take a little time to prioritize what’s going on right now and give attention to the important things and push off the not important things.  Josh is very quickly becoming a “not important” thing.
  4. Being in school and having homework is making me feel good about myself again in ways I had forgotten about.  Yes it’s contributing to the stress, but this strikes me as “good” stress.
  5. I really need to look at the total picture of my life and see if there are things I should be reaching out and asking for help with.

I tried telling Josh a bit ago that my problem right now is the lack of sleep.  I asked him what his problem is.  He says nothing.  Ok, it’s obviously all in my head.  Let’s move on; you’re really almost entirely not important anymore you fucking douche bag.

I’ve just put in a call to shrinky-poo to get her advice on a proper way to address the sleep issue.  I’m not thinking it’s going to involve a change to the prescription meds, but might involve more Melatonin or perhaps tossing in a Benadryl.  I don’t really have time to exercise on a regular basis anymore and I can’t really control when I get home from school.  I’ll see what all she has to say.

The thing that’s really frustrating me right now is that things between Josh and I had gotten to a very nice place and actually stayed there for awhile.  We were communicating, not just talking at each other.  We were enjoying time together.  He was helping without bitching and without being asked.  He was really pretty well behaving like a husband, or at least closer to what I would consider a husband than he ever really has.  And now, in the span of maybe 10 days, that’s all vanished.

In all fairness, I’m not behaving quite the same right now either.  There’s a lot of stress on both of us, but it feels to me like a greater portion of it falls on me.  I’m also not (allegedly) as well equipped to deal with this kind of “life stress” as he is given my mental health diagnoses.  All I can say is that I’m doing my best and I know I’m not providing the same level of “service” (if you will) to anyone right now, and that includes at my job.  No one is getting the “best” of Mama and that really does kind of kill me inside.

Why is it that I know in my heart of hearts that I could very competently deal with a single piece of this fucked up stress puzzle at a time, but when I have to have all of the pieces spread out in front of me it’s just 100% entirely too much to handle?

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